IN THE WAITING.

Santa Claus. Easter Bunny. If you were raised Catholic like me—someone died for your sins, and the only way to make your sinful life worthwhile is IF—and only IF—you obey these 10 commandments laid out on a stone. The indoctrination of pleasing, conforming, and shrinking is set in motion. Stories that are meant to keep you small, agreeable, in line, “good,” and digestible.

And how about these—

“If you try hard enough, everything is attainable.”
“Karma will rectify all the wrongs in the end.”
“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
“There’s room for everyone.”
“Your art has to be undeniable.”
“Having a child is the best love you’ll ever know.”
“Love conquers all.”
“Everyone has one soulmate.”

I could go on. And on.

All lies. All of it. A million tiny lies from the time we are born, disguised as hope, promise, purpose, and control. To keep you agreeable and locked into a system that—especially as a female—was never designed to work for you. These rules—every single one of them—do something far more sinister, though. They keep you waiting.

Waiting for the one. For the right time. For the chance. For a better face, body, circumstance, and situation. Scrambling for a finish line that just keeps moving. Keeping you on a hamster wheel in their system.

And if you’re a woman, it’s even worse. Getting married and having children is forced down your throat from the first babydoll and Easy-Bake Oven at Christmas. That’s what makes you a woman, after all—right?

Usually, the people selling you what it means to be a woman are corporations. Selling you a look, a product, a lifestyle—an identity that works for them.

And now—we are even stepping back in time. Not sure if you’ve seen the latest “beauty” product from everyone’s favorite family—The Kardashians—but now you can buy something that looks like their SKIMS tights and put it around your face TO SLEEP WITH so you too can wake up with Kim’s jawline. A jawline that was sculpted by the best plastic surgeon in the industry. Yet, she’s happy to sell to the peasants this wonderful contraption. Because you MUST keep your face up, tight, and sharp, ladies. Who needs sleep, rest, and peace? You must fight aging even while you sleep because God forbid—YOU AGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God forbid you’re human.

And you're buying into it. The lies, the machine, the system. And worse—the waiting.

It’s in that waiting that you miss the most precious fucking thing you have—and that they bank on you forgetting.

The NOW.

The NOW is where all your dreams are possible. Where YOU exist—FULLY. You’re not waiting for anything. You’re just existing. You’re not waiting for someone or something to happen to change a situation, right wrongs, or finally make it all okay for you to begin—

That job, that life, that project, that version of yourself that exists in some fantasy.

NONE of that is coming from ANY outside circumstance, situation, or person. I can assure you of that. If the state of the world at this present time has taught you anything, it’s that nothing—nothing—is guaranteed.

You thought you lived in a free, democratic country? Think again.

You have never been free. Not in a country that literally banks on your insecurity and then sells you the remedy.

I know this so deeply. I was constantly waiting.

As a kid I was waiting for summer, the weekend, to be older. When I was older I waited on an industry to see me, free me, “get” me, and give me a chance. Because THEN I could be the version of myself I knew in my dreams. Make the projects I knew I could. I was told from the very beginning: “Your work has to be undeniable.”

Well, after years and years of not being allowed to step out of the box I was placed in, and doing soulless job after soulless job, I remember being told by agents and managers, “You do one for you and one for them.” “Take a money job and THEN you do one for your soul.” “Make money, then you can go make your art.”

Guess what? That never happened!!!!!!!!!!!

I became stuck in the cycle. A cycle that everyone else felt much more comfortable with me being in AND making everyone a hefty profit at the same time. Leading you further and further away from what truly makes your heart sing. And yes, we all need to make a living.

But at what expense?

For me—it was the day before the end of the year and the start of a new one. I was miserable.

Because I never did the thing, took the risk, and stopped waiting, buying, and believing in someone else’s timeline. That’s when I set out to make my film, FRESH KILLS (Amazon Prime and Hulu). I say this in every class, lecture, and to anyone that asks me the question, “Would you do it again,” knowing how HARD (understatement) getting this film done was. My answer:

“ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.”

Making FRESH KILLS—forget that—betting on myself changed me on a cellular level. I cannot explain it better than that. I walk through the world differently than before. I walk through not guessing but KNOWING I showed up for that nagging voice that kept saying, “You can do more.”

I promise you—showing up for that voice will NEVER be a wrong decision. You just need to believe in it again. To do that, you must quiet the noise and ask yourself this question:

EXACTLY HOW MUCH OF WHAT I’VE BEEN TOLD IS ACTUALLY TRUE?

I’m going to warn you—it’s an onion. A big, dense, multi-layered onion that, with each unraveling layer, there are many tears. And please know, once you start peeling—you will never look at the world the same again.

I see now. The tricks. The lies. The establishments. The “rules.” All disguised as people, places, things, and then some.

A world built to keep you chasing the latest idea. One that you were NEVER meant to achieve.

So, you have two choices:
Keep waiting, or start Today.

Whatever IT is. Whatever you’re waiting on—Don’t.

Join me in my STILL HERE, SUNDAYS, a weekly community share to keep us accountable, one baby step at a time. See you there!

This space is to take some joy from your small rebellions, tiny progress and new beginnings. We will be accountable to one another—not with pressure or performance, but with the presence of what we are all currently existing through.

XX

Jen

-