your own self vs. crush

As humans , we tend to grow in both terms , physically and mentally. So obviously as I’m growing the understanding of romance is also growing in me . The feeling of having a crush was very alien to me cause never in life i liked someone but for the first time I liked a guy like a real guy , having a celebrity crush was normal for me but crush on a real guy was so new to me .

So I got to know about this guy through my friend, he doesn’t live in the same place as me so we talked online. One random day my friend mentioned his new bestfriend and told me good stuff about him. He also wanted to set us up . So through that I got introduced to this guy . He sent me a follow request on Instagram and we started talking. We clicked the moment we started talking and let’s not lie here , he was kinda my type too . So many things were common with us and that made the whole conversation interesting plus he was the one who started to show interest in me , it was not wild but subtle enough to come in notice.

After talking for a month or so , I started to feel something for him and my stomach was doing different types of twists and turns whenever I used to talk to him . Even his simple text made me giggle. I didn’t admit to anyone that I liked him because it was quite early and I didn’t want to rush things to scare him off . But one random day he reposted a girl’s story which made me curious about who she was? Obviously I felt bad seeing that story and I just couldn’t keep my thoughts to myself and blurted out to my friend who introduced me to him that I like him . And that friend was quite shocked because obviously I never had a crush so his reaction was quite reasonable. So through him I asked him about the reposted story of my crush cause I wanted to know who she was . And I got to know that the girl was a junior at their school who likes my crush . So at first I didn’t think much because my crush said he didn’t like anyone at the moment.

But one random day my friend texted me and said that my crush suddenly started to have feelings for that girl because she gave him efforts and that broke me like literally i started crying, yea cry for a guy legit . That was my first heartbreak ever . So being a stupid person I told my friend to tell my crush that I like him just so you know he knows about my feelings even if it’s not a proper confession. Which my friend obviously agreed and did . But my crush’s response was something unclear because he wasn’t even rejecting me and leaving me hanging. I couldn’t even process the whole situation because of how confusing and suspenseful it was.

It was quite stressful not gonna lie and the way I confessed my feelings through a 3rd person felt like the worst way to confess to someone so I thought that making a cute presentation for confession will be a great idea since he is not physically present with me . That’s exactly what I did , I made a cute presentation for him in which I conveyed my whole feelings and thoughts that I felt towards him . It took me 5 hours to make it . I was planning to give it to him after he returns from the hostel . Everything went as I planned but I knew it was pointless because he likes someone else but a part of me was not ready to accept it . After reading my presentation he was quite impressed but he told me he likes someone else and wished he knew about my feelings a little earlier and that made me wonder what if i confessed to him earlier? Maybe things would have been different by now . After getting indirectly rejected , I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because I was quite embarrassed about it but he said he didn’t want to break the bond between us so we kept talking.

Whenever he came from the hostel we talked and everything was quite well and maybe I thought that there is going to be something if I wait for him right because of the way he talks . I even showed my chats with him to my friends and they were saying how this guy is so confusing because of how he talked to me despite liking someone else. He used to ask me for my pics whenever I went out and also assured me whenever he didn’t text me back .One time he also mentioned how I make him nervous to which I thought maybe he is starting to finally feel something for me because he and that girl weren’t dating by that time . I thought they didn’t talk anymore but one day I found out that they were still talking and their feelings for each other are still mutual ,after hearing this I was left heartbroken once again but I composed myself by saying that I saw that coming. After finding all this I started to distance myself from him because I started to feel like a dumb clueless dog which was a topic of joke around them.

And one day I saw them match their Instagram profile and then I knew that was my cue to back down . I didn’t text him for a day and ghosted him to which he double texted me and even asked my friend if i went somewhere out . My mind was filled with confusion but I couldn’t handle it anymore and I knew that this is not what I imagined my person to be . Also after this the girl whom he likes sent me a friend request and that’s when I knew that she knows about me . I saw that coming too but not in this way . So after all this drama I forced myself to back down despite having so much feelings for that person. Our chats gradually became short and it was just me giving him dry replies but one day messages from his side also stopped coming and that’s when I got to know that the girl that he likes doesn’t like us texting. So yea i accepted my fate and backed off.

And I forgot to mention that I packed a box filled with handwritten letters and gifts for him along with the when I fly towards you keychain because he once mentioned how much he likes that drama . I sent it to my friend’s address and asked him to hand it over whenever he meets him in the school. But after all this my excitement died down so I thought of not giving it anymore and instead save it for someone who actually deserves all this.

But on new year he did wish me and tried to carry the conversation to which I didn’t much. At last I left him on react because I couldn’t bear losing my self respect more in front of that guy. The new year has already started, so is the new me . So for my own sake I stopped everything and left him in the year 2025. I couldn’t see myself as a girl being dumb anymore which was all drained in sorrow , a girl whose whole mood was dependent on how a guy treated her . This was it , I knew I had to put myself first instead of him so it was for the better to stop everything and focus on my own betterment. I started whatever I used to do before he came into my life and also picked up some new hobbies and skills . I rediscovered myself in the best way possible. This experience made me realise that we can do whatever we want if we are determined for it , we just have to believe and push ourselves to the right path. Life is too short to be disappointed over a guy who doesn’t even know your worth . At the end we have our own company. Before loving someone we have to learn ourselves first so that nobody can bring out a fault that we don’t have . Your own company brings you solitude and peace. We don’t have to wait for someone just to feel loved when we can just do it by ourselves.can feel quiet or even lonely, but slowly, you start to notice the beauty of your own thoughts