liking vulture

I grew up never liking anyone. When I mean “like”, I mean “like” “like” the person romantically, not the platonic kind of like. Ask me why and I wouldn’t know either. It just never happened. Not even a hint of a crush and definitely as a result, no relationship either. I don’t know why, not like I really care. My mother also does not know why. That’s why she repeatedly reassures me that it is normal to like someone, assuming that I am ashamed of this fact and resorts to hiding it. That is not the reason. It just never really occurred to me that I would ever like someone. A man, a woman, it doesn’t matter. It has never happened before and I don’t know why.

Then time moves forward and now it’s high school as I see all my girl friends falling in love over and over again, getting their respective boyfriends and partners (over and over again. Gee, highschool right?) and I became the so-called “third wheel” of the relationship. I didn’t hate it. It was cool hanging out with my friends and even their partners because they were my friends, too. Some are friends with me longer than my girl friends. But I had no interest in them. My girl friends could have them for all I care. In some way, I care for them as younger brothers seeing as they act like it anyway. Because of this nature, I believe that is why I am able to make time for many activities as I gravitated towards both scholastic and recreational extracurriculars. I think it is safe to say that this made me a “jack of all trades” of some sort. After all, this is the only thing I can do, seeing this as the only thing to make use of my time. There was no man in my life to occupy said time. I didn’t hate it. Yet.

So all this time, I thought I was okay with this fact. I didn’t need that feeling. That feeling of falling in love in the arms of another. I don’t get my friends. It’s so easy to not fall in love. Never happened to me, how is it so hard not to fall? I never got how they feel. Yet.

Freshman year was my year. I was top of my class, my resume full, and have the highest honor of them all. I was at my prime. But then one man, like a vulture, stalked and circled around me, crashed my whole peace and decided to squabble his way to annoy the soul out of me. You don’t even know the length of things this guy would do to get me red with irritation. He had a popular reputation. But he was also quite the lady’s man, many girls swoon and fall for him, and he lets them just to leave them. The very type of guy I would never want to associate with. I don’t get it. I was the only one he couldn’t leave alone. I mean, annoy anyone else but me. But no, out of everyone it had to be me. I don’t want to be another one of those girls. But unfortunately for him, I don’t know how to quit a challenge. So I countered him with the same energy. We would argue before, during, and after classes, throwing insult after insult at each other. He would pull off insane pranks and would involve his friends in it. Well, he involved them in everything anyway. In this way, I became friends with them too. We would make bets on many things. He would invent brainrot terms and create bets that with words we couldn’t say. He would sit with me at lunch, follow me around the halls, the malls, everywhere he could find me. But he had this charm and man was it everywhere -- comes with the lady’s man package, I suppose. Basketball varsity (arguably their best player), tall (and quite handsome but I won’t tell him that, he already gets that quite a lot), the girls fall. With a face card with that, I won’t doubt that. But that is nothing compared to his personality. He’s pretty when his mouth is screwed shut. “Just don’t talk and I might consider liking you a whole lot more,” is what I would say sometimes. He would just laugh. He’s weird. Not in an endearing, cute way, no. He’s just weird in a sometimes concerning way. I’m sorry to this person, let’s face it, you were just really weird back in the day. Jokes aside, it still ended up his way of showing he cared.

He cared so much that I caught myself falling for him more than I ever should. But I never admitted that to anyone, not to him, and even to myself at the time. I started to let myself loose. Little by little. I became okay sharing lunch time with him. I became okay spending time with him after school. I became okay receiving trinkets from him. I became okay holding hands with him. I became okay kissing him. From there, I thought it was magical, euphoric even. I see this boy, who persisted to love me when I couldn’t return that love.

Yet the more you know a person, the more you come to detest them. I started to resent him. I forgot what made me distance myself from him in the first place. Him and his women. But I couldn’t leave him. So I kept convincing myself that he just needed a push, a switch, a change, anything that could “save” him. But I should’ve known better.

You can’t change a man and I learned this the hard way. We both broke each other in ways that even time will never bring back. But I also understand him. I probably did more than anybody, and he for myself. That’s what hurts the most; I’m leaving my best friend and my soulmate. We were both fire and fire destroyed us all.

So I left. Not for him, not for our relationship, but for myself. He was my flare and I had to finish on my own. I had to free myself, even if it means leaving you to save me. But that doesn’t mean I hate you. But every time I do, that just means I love you. And him, he let me do so. In a way, that both healed us.

I don’t think I’ll ever know what I’m doing. I don’t even know if that was the right turn. I’ll look back at this 10 spaces later and probably cringe at the sight of my teenage self’s biggest problems are feelings and a cup of boys.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. But I’ll continue to remember him. Because I know that there will be no us. Because that will break us. So we both set each other free. Or at least that is what I want to think.

Is there a destiny of true love? I believe so. But not all fairytales end in romance. Some end bittersweet. We weren’t destined to be together but we were destined to love one another. In another life, I wish he felt this day. Or maybe he does. But I’ll never get to know. I just want my fellow girls to know. It’s okay to fall in love. It’s okay to lean into it. But when it’s time to let go, I hope you choose what’s best for the both of you. Even if it means letting him go. Do I regret it? No. Because I know I released him and most importantly, I released me and that’s already my triumph. And we will continue to love each other this way, bittersweet as it may be.

It is better to walk without, and so in without we can find true meaning. And in finding true meaning, may we reunite if it’s written in the stories. But you were a time, you were a memory. One I’ll regardless cherish, remember every so often. My critter, my vulture so help me to be better.