Making Light

IncoRporating Electrolite

Language, fraud, folly, truth, knitting, and growing luminous by eating light.

Dysfunctional Families: Growing Wings

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted a new entry to this community, and I know the comments on the last one have gotten unworkably long. I’m sorry. You deserve better.

There’s been stuff. There still is stuff. I’ll explain in the comments.

But I’d just like to point out that even with my highly intermittent presence, this community has continued, and continued to be a wonderful thing.

I’ll continue to be back as I can. But it fills me with so much delight to see the egg I hatched, the hatchling I fed, grow wings, spread them, and fly.


This is part of the sequence of Dysfunctional Families discussions. We have a few special rules, specific to the needs and nature of the conversations we have here.

  1. If you want to participate but don’t want your posts linked to your contributions to the rest of Making Light, feel free to choose a pseudonym. But please keep it consistent within these threads, because people do care. You can create a separate (view all by) history for your pseudonym by changing your email address. And if you blow it and cross identities, give me a shout and I’ll come along and tidy it up.
  2. On a related note, please respect the people’s choice to use a pseudonym, unless they make it clear that they are willing to let the identities bleed over in people’s minds.
  3. If you’re not from a dysfunctional background, be aware that your realities and base expectations are not the default in this conversation. In particular, please don’t do the “they’re the only family you have” thing. Black is white, up is down, and your addressee’s mother may very well be their nemesis.
  4. Be even more careful, charitable, and gentle than you would elsewhere on Making Light. Try to avoid “helpiness”/”hlepiness” (those comments which look helpful, but don’t take account of the addressee’s situation and agency). Apologize readily and sincerely if you tread on toes, even unintentionally. This kind of conversation only works because people have their defenses down.
  5. Never underestimate the value of a good witness. If you want to be supportive but don’t have anything specific to say, people do value knowing that they are heard.

Previous posts (note that comments are closed on them to keep the conversation in one place):

490 responses to “Dysfunctional Families: Growing Wings”

  1. So, a brief explanation of my absence, posted with permission.
    CW: suicide, self-harm
    Spoiler: no one is dead

    In October of 2016, my then 12 year old daughter came to me with a note—she couldn’t bring herself to say it to me in person—explaining that she was not only depressed (which we knew, but not to what degree), but also harming herself and struggling with suicidal ideation.

    The years since then have been spent navigating the various therapeutic options, helping her transfer to a school that might improve things, and riding a difficult and exhausting emotional rollercoaster.

    She turned 15 earlier this year, a lovely young woman, with a remarkable artistic talent. And still-crippling depression and impulses to suicide.

    The only way out is through. As her parents, we are doing everything we can think of. But it has required me to, with as much clarity and love as I can, carefully control what other commitments I can keep. I cannot promise that I’ll be around any more than I have been. I’ll try, and I am reachable at this username at this domain.

    I love this community. I am, as I said in the OP, immeasurably proud of it and impressed by the people who make it up. My delight that my absence has not destroyed it is enormous.

    Much love.

  2. I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this, and hope you all come through to better times.

  3. Our family has been on a similar journey; even the ages match. Much love and prayers, if wanted, from the other side. You can’t go back, of course, but the vista does widen again.

  4. Abi (and daughter): witnessing. I remember that age as being extremely difficult, without the added challenge of that level of depression. She’s fortunate to have such supportive parents, and it’s only fitting that your focus is there, not here.

  5. dropped off this thread almost nine years ago, when my mom (with whom i’d had a mostly tolerable relationship) showed me that an accusation of racism is much, much worse than, y’know, actual racism. she said a racist thing. i said, whoa, that’s racist, and she decided she didn’t want me to come visit any more, and took me off her power of attorney, and lordess only knows how she changed the will. she did not invite me to visit for her husband’s last days, and i know that pained him.

    but i asked myself: if i could repair this rift, would i want to? are the visits not harder and harder (aging bites)? is it not wearing to be always prepared to fly in and fix whatever she’s managed to break? do i think sainthood and wearing myself out for the unappreciative is so very inviting?

    so i’ve let it go. we send each other cards on birthdays and holidays. we exchange token gifts. i make sure she has flowers delivered for mother’s day and her birthday. other than that? nada. we were always strangers, and now we act like it.

    i’m okay with that.

    abi, i am sorry to hear of the troubles that have visited your family. i’m pretty sure, though, that being taken seriously, being listened to, being important enough to be taken care of, are all gifts your daughter needs, and that many of us in this thread are still repairing the absence of in our early lives.

    holding you all in the light.

  6. ::Kermit flail!:: Hi, abi! Your post makes me very happy.

  7. abi: Having now read your update: I can’t say how glad I am that your daughter was able to come to you, and that you have prioritized her well-being. I delight in your presence here; I delight even more in reports of your parenting. Best wishes, know you have my support in your ongoing efforts.

  8. My wishes for good fortune and better days to you and your daughter, Abi.

  9. Abi: I’m so sorry to hear of your family’s difficulties. I’m glad you’ve been able to share that with us, and hope that you and yours have light ahead of you.

  10. abi, what Jacque said @7. Glad to have you here, fully understand why your primary attention needs to be elsewhere, wishing the best for your daughter and all your family.

    SpawnoftheDevil @5 with the exception of being unable to visit during your stepfather’s last days, this sounds like a good outcome. Good for you for identifying what you were and were not willing to live with.

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