parenting and anxiety

We had a parent teacher conference recently and got to see an assessment of how our daughter is doing in Kindergarten. She attends a Waldorf inspired school and the rubric doesn't gauge her on academics like reading -- Waldorf waits until they're in 1st or 2nd grade. This rubric checks foundational skills like development of motor skills, can she skip or use a paintbrush? She did well, no concerns there. We thought everything was going great until the teacher brought up an emotional regulation issue and we already knew what it was before she said what it was.

Our daughter gets frustrated and lets everyone know, loudly or physically. She doesn't hurt anyone but she will use objects to make it known. I think the common response to this is that she needs to regulate it. It feels intuitive right? Of course! The answer is to just calm down. When someone is angry or anxious, I think one of the worst things you can say to them is to calm down. It almost never works and often escalates the frustration. Yet, this is what I barreled forward with anyway because in the heat of the moment you just want the discomfort of what she's feeling and doing to go away.

Story time...

Somewhere in my mid 30s I went through a decently long phase of having extreme anxiety. The kind of anxiety that actually gives you symptoms and makes you believe the worst is happening. My vision would blur, my panic attacks felt like heart attacks, I had a fear of shiny objects because everything just seemed too bright. Nearly every sensation I had was amplified. Somewhere along the way I was given the typical advice to just get rid of the anxiety. This is the majority of advice and I'm here to tell you it mostly doesn't work.

What worked was a change of perspective after reading just the first couple chapters from a book called Dare. The premise is that anxiety is a normal human reaction and instead of trying to get rid of it, it's time to make it your buddy. It was something to that effect. This shift in perspective was so profound I immediately felt a change in my chemistry. My shoulders didn't feel so heavy anymore, the sensations slightly less sensitive. I was no longer burdened with getting rid of it.

End story...

Something about this situation felt eerily similar. It brought me back to remembering that maybe the answer isn't the obvious one. So instead of trying to fight her frustration, I let her experience it. Even if it meant she was going to do the things that were uncomfortable for us. Then when she calms down on her own, explain to her what she could do instead. I also started modeling it and making up situations where I was frustrated. You know what she started doing? Giving me the same advice I gave her while also offering a hug! Core memory unlocked...

There are still instances where it's not perfect -- totally okay! She still gets visibly frustrated but the volume is much lower, shorter and she sometimes catches herself. I think because she's not so scared of feeling that way. That's the thing with my anxiety, I'm not scared of it anymore. I still have it all the time but I know my mind and body are functioning as it should and in turn, anxiety really does become a buddy. Don't believe me? Go watch Inside Out 2