Who am I?
Photo by Javi Hoffens on Unsplash
It's a simple enough question, isn't it? The truth is: I don't know. It's more than that though, I don't think I have ever known. I am a second-generation immigrant in the United Kingdom, who doesn't feel quite British enough when here, but also doesn't feel quite Georgian enough when back there either.
I've lived in four different countries, and visited about 30. My closest friends have often been the ones furthest away, and, sometimes, I don't know if I'm a little bit of everything, or nothing at all.
As an example of this: I have always said I would hate to have a Georgian partner. Not because of the person themselves, but because of all of the cultural touchpoints I would be missing. I can communicate in Georgian, but I can't understand what it truly means to be from Georgia.
I can't relate to my parents, who left the former Soviet Union, coming to the UK to find a better life. Then again, it has been 16 years since I was literally caught up in a war, and even now Russia occupies 20% of Georgia. Yet in England I'll always have a weird surname that is hard to spell and harder to pronounce.
It is NOT lost on me how insanely lucky I am that my first name is "George", that I am white, and that I "sound local". Even then I have had occasions where I have given someone my surname and they give me a funny look, or ask me "So where are you really from?". I can't imagine what it's like to be someone who doesn't "fit in".
"Would I be who I am without the sadness in me?" - Blue Sky & The Painter by Bastille
Past Lives
I often tell people I have many "past lives". This is normally the three very distinct time periods in my childhood pre-, during, and post living in Hong Kong. But I have had that as an adult also, first working in Software Development, then Video Production, and now in Project Management. My only real constant has been change. It's something I am proud of, being able to experience large chunks of the world, and meet incredible people.
At the same time, that makes it hard to form long-lasting friendships. Maybe the reason all of my best friendships are online is because I'm never in one place long enough. I can easily weave in and out of different situations, but I never feel like I "belong" in any of them.
Whilst Project Managing, I have often found myself saying "We can't know where we're going, if we don't first know where we are.", something that has been necessary because of a lack of clear documentation on what exact has and has not been done, a lack of clear boundaries. Yet, ironically, that is also how my life feels. Who am I?
Ultimately, it's up to me to decide who I am. To find that path on a dark, foggy night. Maybe the scariest thing this Halloween is not quite knowing where I'm from, and being even less certain of where I'm going.