how to become ungaslightable

(the written-in-20-minutes version. feel free to ask questions in the comments below or on twitter if you would like me to unpack something or you try it and get stuck at some step!)

• in 3SED, my 3 Steps for Empowered Dialogue, self-validation is the step that unlocks curious listening
  • or “listen to yourself so thoroughly that you couldn’t possibly lose track of what you know”
• this idea of becoming ungaslightable also shows up in:
  • Passionate Marriage, as “self-validated intimacy”
  • a quote from Bessel van der Kolk, ~“healing from trauma amounts to learning that it’s okay to know what you know”
• but often people are like “how do you actually do that?” what do you even mean “listen to myself?”
• for learning this skill, I recommend solitude and a journal
  • however it’s often easiest to see what you need to do when you have a conversation handy
    • so you might use a difficult conversation that’s playing out over texts/emails/tweets
• go ahead and paste the thing they’re trying to say at the top of the page
• and then notice what arises in you that you want to say to the other person, to argue with them
  • and notice: there’s something they’re missing
    • ↳ that’s true.  there’s always something they’re missing
  • and notice: there’s something I know about this
    • ↳ that’s true.  there’s got to be something you know about this
    • (this situation, this misunderstanding, what matters to you here, what you’re defending)
• and notice that: whether or not they can agree with or even acknowledge the existence of the something that you know about it, or the fact that they’re missing something…  you still see it!
  • you might be confused about what it is, or how it applies to the world or to them
    • but you’re seeing something
  • any words you might put to it out loud might be arguable, misleading, or ultimately wrong
    • (you can address this somewhat with “I have a story that…” or “I don’t trust that…”)
• how to know if it’s working:
  • curiosity, not defensiveness: the ultimate way you know it’s working, as I write in 3SED, is that you can listen to what the other person is saying with full curiosity, knowing that anything that is really true, that you know, you won’t lose track of.  you trust that you won’t get pulled into a coalition that negates it.
  • “this guy totally gets it” when you look at your own writing. “yeah! it IS like that”
  • I’m ready to not pretend things seem to me other than how they seem: there’s an even simpler level, which isn’t about asserting that you know something, and more about being firmly honest about what you do not know
    • you know the feeling when someone is explaining something to you, and it doesn’t make sense?  whether from grade school math class or a coworker last week
    • and there can be some temptation to nod along and go “uh huh, yeah”
    • but…  you don’t get it.  it doesn’t make sense to you.
    • that doesn’t mean that what’s being said is wrong, but you can tell for yourself that it does not cause you to change from your current understanding: demonstrably!
    • even if you haven’t gotten to the bottom of all the details, backing yourself on this level can allow for groundedness and some curiosity
• doing it live
  • as I said, this is harder. I often signpost what I’m doing: “hang on, I need to take a moment to listen to myself here so I have any hope of listening to you”
    • if they won’t give me space, it might a sign they’re trying to mess with me, but might also just be that they have momentum and don’t know how to make space
  • then I go through the same motions, mentally or with writing, as in the journalling above

(another ~20 minute onepager. read the other posts written in this style here. for a further description of how this skill can help you listen to others and thereby get understood by them, read my one-pager on the 3 steps for empowered dialogue. to see more of how deep the magic goes, read the secret to co-gnosis.)

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