☘️ juni-personal ☘️

wk_08; empty heart beneath deaf ears

when i collapsed onto the couch next to my mum this afternoon—after having spent the past hour and a half frantically occupying myself with whatever job, errand or "see-and-do" that my addled brain could conjure up for me—i think we both knew there was something wrong. it was confirmed when she asked me how the friend i saw this morning was, and my insides and brain melted into a puddle incapable of forming even a sentence without groaning.

i was too tired to talk. not because of the chores, they had actually energised me a smidge, of all things.

but i was so, so mentally exhausted, with no right to be. and the idea of recapping, recounting my morning spent in the company of another human felt like filling out an exam question that i'd skipped and now would add to the pile of those that i'd have to return to later.

don't get me wrong, i love my mum, and the fact that she's interested in my life is such a blessing. but just talking to people, beyond what's strictly necessary (any sometimes even that feels impossible), has felt so incredibly draining and out of reach.

i think it's because my life, as of late, has felt increasingly like a lie; a set of routines where i go out to meet people, talk about and share aspects of a person i used to know, used to be, and then wander home in an addled daze of unease, anxiety and dread for the cycle to begin anew the following morning.

i feel like i've become an expert at pretending; putting on regular, one-man shows to entertain an audience of passer-bys that might toss a coin of recognition my way every now and then, or even crack a smile (if i'm lucky).

above all, taking a step back from all of the fuzz, muddled abstractions and headfog; i need to practice talking to others once more. not just time-blocked chats over coffee and caramel slice, but the "how was your day?" kinds of chats in the evenings, the casual texts, the office breakroom small talk.

i need to reopen both my ears and my mouth to both the world and those who occupy it more. by hitting pause on the near-incessant stream of video essayists, thoughts and ideas that i have stream directly into my brain—there is still plenty of time for that on my walks—and re-learning the small joys of connecting with others, in the moments that truly (do(n't)) matter.

~ juni.

this week's "curated collection":

(now with 50% more categorisation ! ! !)

| 🌟🎶 Musical Pick of the Week! 🎶🌟 |

taking back curation from algorithms: one human recommendation at a time.

(for any regulars: a new segment in which i'll aim to showcase & share a single track—or album, if i've felt particularly indecisive/blown away—to put a touch of "humanity" back into curation)

indie/smolweb:

computer security:

videos (& video essays):

tech/security:

culture:

personal/philosophical:

games:

privacy:

(fyi I am not a crypto expert or a hypewoman - am just interested in learning for the following reasons):

Reply via email here ~ ! (◕‿◕)

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#lucid-thoughts