(90) quietly hopeful

19 Jul, 2026

(image courtesy of Cheryl Jowen)

entry's soundtrack above ^^

i have always been one to guard things close to my chest.

the sanctity of life, of everything i've been afforded, cherish, discover, possess; bony fingers wrap protectively around them, worn stuffed toys rising and falling with each measured breath.

i just wish to warm them with my endless, messy, human... love. to love the world and everything in it. unapologetically, bravely, and unashamedly.

to find, create and have a place of my own amidst all that love.

a place where i can both give and receive... love.

is that asking too much?

"i want to believe that future exists for someone like me."

a lush yet untamed garden in which we can pose as statues together. arms outstretched around shoulders, waists, each of our fountains feeding one another in a symbiotic transferral of essence. feeling. souls.

making a home of the house that i used to walk past on my way to work, a stone-and-wood cottage half given to climbing vines, greenery, les fleurs de l'esprit.

settle, pettle. wander, wonder. together, together.

i must remain quietly, hopeful.

regardless of what happens.

i cannot dream of reciprocal love within a future in which i continue to despise myself.

in which one's love is eaten up entirely by self-destruction, the most gluttonous of all feelings.

and the only feeling with a marked destination.

down. down. down.

down.

beneath the soil that keeps all of us afloat.

it's been 8 weeks of healing. of hell. of holding onto, hoping for... hope.

i dare not speak above a whisper, for my demons might hear me utter

such a quietly hopeful,

hopelessly wanting,

~~plea~~ pledge to the world.

~ juni

quotes:

The most important ideas we need to return to weekly, even daily. Essay-writing, then, is not a functional substitute for having a practice that keeps the important truths top of mind, day after day. But it did help me reach that conclusion.

How not to forget what matters (Henrik Karlsson)

Am I going to miss out on a lot of stuff? It’s possible. But aren’t we all constantly missing out on a lot of stuff anyway? Wish me luck.

Decoupling from the web (Manuel Moreale)

My mission in life, especially now that I have a platform, is to be part of a shift from the attention economy to the connection economy. It won’t happen overnight and it won’t be easy, but together, we can make it happen. It’s initiatives like this one that can take us there.