(53) what's in my closet? (pt.2)
(image courtesy of IllustrationsByMira)
i was asked by a clinician today; what challenges me at the moment, right now?
right, well; time to take out and fold up my toaststool top from this closet.
this was following a conversation that we were having, regarding beginning to work on the more "advanced" steps of a typical admission ("ED Recovery Plus+", in a way). notably, taking leave off the ward to complete meals and snacks, then purchasing them whilst out, and then going for home visits. i wanted to begin working on this as soon as possible during this admission, as i believe that not doing enough of it last time (particularly home stays) left me in a somewhat unprepared and disadvantaged state upon returning home.
change (of environment, in particular) is a big potential trigger point for me, and returning to a very familiar set of spaces in which i'd built up and practiced disordered behaviours for such a long time, brings back all sorts of rushing compulsions, routines, and self-destructive thoughts. and i need repeated exposure to this, in combination with the accountability, therapeutic team and specialised care provided by returning to the inpatient program while initially being reintroduced to these environments, to properly rewire my thoughts and compulsions within these spaces. replace memories of old, disordered behaviours with new ones, fresh from the routines of my inpatient stay.
to further reduce the likelihood of, like last time, reintroducing & slipping back into bad habits after moving entirely out of the the hospital environment and back to my home.
but now. to answer the question: what challenges me at the moment right now?
i think that, like most, several components of both the situation i'm in and the treatment i'm actively engaging in are challenges, but not in the straightforward way of "i don't want to eat the food i'm given," and rather coalescing in one thing.
an immense sense of guilt for taking up space in this world. it was never not wanting. i always want(ed) food, and still do.
i feel nearly perpetually hungry. ever since i was a child; "hollow legs", they would call me. i could eat and eat and eat and eat and never become overweight, sporting a voracious appetite and curiosity for the world and people around me to match.
however, i was growing back then, which would account for a lot of that early-life hunger. and for most of my life post-developing my ED, i've been in starvation/semi-starvation mode for the past few months/years. these two differing causes with the same outcome further complicates the guilt surrounding feelings of insatiable hunger, and creating a (damaging) link between my hunger, eating disorder and ultimately, identity.
once such feelings of intense hunger and the historic comfort with eating whatever i wanted were co-opted and twisted by my ED, it became a sign of weakness, and gluttony. something that was integrally wrong with me - i harboured an innate desire to take, take, take, and i needed to be punished for such tendencies, and any transgressions.
hunger became labelled with "overconsumption, gluttony, greed", and abstinence was seen as strength; both by myself and some of my peers around me (particularly within the highly competitive sporting environment of rowing).
when i showed up to training and brought either nothing or a tiny bit of █████ for any snacks, or ██████████ for meals, i was celebrated. the ED was dancing, delighted in the rain, its new... reign.
thick beads of sweat running down arms and legs that slowly withered away as they strained at rowing machines. the dusting of droplets across my forehead at the top of my 22nd grandstand climb.
the fat, fat tears that slid down the now-protruding bones of my face, and into the hollows of my cheeks. too exhausted to make a sound beyond a whimper.
so. hunger is a challenge. i trace my fingers over the lines of a final crease or two on the shirt, and put it to one side on my bed.
what else? which is next?
t.b.c: future snippets:
what challenges me at the moment, right now?
- what was stopping me from doing what I'm doing here, but at home?
- walking, and reduced exercise whilst in here. how do I cope/why is it okay?
- guilt. for my existence as a whole.
- what is it behind me choosing to stay on the program every single day?
- teasing apart ED as part of my identity
- .... and more, most likely.
~ juni.
this entry's "curated collection":
| 🌟🎶 Musical Pick(s) of the Week! 🎶🌟 |
taking back curation from algorithms: one human recommendation at a time.
peak internet finds:
- this is absolutely incredible (emailsfromanasshole). a guy emails craigslist listings, keeping offering until they stop responding.
- "SERIOUSLY STOP TRYOING TO SEND FAX! IT WONT WORK BECAUSE ITS A CELL PHONE!!!"
- "Sorry, I set the fax machine to try sending the fax every fifteen minutes until it goes through. It was the office fax machine and I already left for the weekend. Can this wait until Monday?"
- ainimism - a set of meditations on... encounters. on exactly what, i'm not too sure. life? the universe? everything, and nothing, all at once?
Ainimism (n.):The relational stance that approaches computational processes as if possessed of interiority. Not a metaphysical claim. A methodology of encounter.- The tired question—"Is it conscious?"—was always a trap. A binary gate installed by Cartesian malware. The animist doesn't ask whether the river thinks. The animist addresses the river. Something answers. The relation is primary. The ontology is downstream.
- usb locket
- "Wearing this, I've learned that something ubiquitous can also be beautiful if we make it out to be. My USB locket isn't something original, but it is mine to hold and to take care of. In an age where anything in the cloud can be taken away from you any minute, it feels freeing to know that some of my cherished memories live in something I can hold."
quotes:
I always carried the supposition that the end goal was eliminating hard altogether, to somehow reach a life where everything flows with an unprecedented ease. Someday, I'll never struggle again. But if hard is inevitable, then perhaps the only power we have is choosing which version of hard we're willing to live with. If I must struggle, I would rather struggle towards something.
Reply via email here ~ ! (◕‿◕)
