☘️ juni-personal ☘️

(46) a pledge, to (re)start life.

(original image source unknown)

Soundtrack: ANOTHER DREAM (Yume Nikki OST)

this will be a shorter entry. but one that marks the beginning of what i'm collating into my collection of daily recovery posts. a collection that i aim to add to each and every evening during my inpatient stay. in an attempt to both document my treatment and healing process, and more consistently engage with myself and my evolving and changing thought process along my journey.

no matter how messy, or how raw, or how unpleasantly (beautiful?) it ends up being.

because i'm determined for it to mark a "before" to this next stage of my life.

my name is juni.

and i have been living within the firm clutches (embrace? seductive arms? cage? prison?) of an eating disorder since 2017.

it's been almost 10 years, now.

and i am utterly, completely, and entirely sick of it. of living like this—no, persisting within this cycle.

being held at the constant mercy of an ever-present, malignant voice that grows from a soft echo at the back of my brain, to an all-encompassing, all-consuming roar that infests and seeps into my every thought. dictating my every action, every move.

that voice is reverberating around me now, louder than ever, screaming at me, with every word that i write.

because i am on the train back to the hospital. to the residential inpatient centre that has, unfortunately, saved my life several times now.

i can see it coming up on the horizon now. the icy cold, sterile sprawl of buildings. refreshingly, yet crushingly uniform in both design and aura, but not without reason.

healing requires a consistency of care (but also a level of individualised treatment - more on that in future entries, i'm sure...) that only such a structure, a regime, a system, can provide. even if it necessitates a level of temporary artificiality, for a time.

the train rolls in to the station.

i must do this. i can, and will do this.

this isn't a "this time will be different" plea. it's a pledge.

for a full life. for... a life, full stop. Not Lfe (small, esoteric yet disturbingly accurate reference). Not Persistence.

but life.

i want a family. i want a partner. i want my surgery. i want kids.

i want to return to the juni i used to be.

i want to love, and to feel again.

so... this is my pledge to do so.

dated: 24/02/2025.

~ juni.

To stay the same weight, is to stay stuck. That was the opposite of what I wanted. I was so numb that I couldn't feel happiness.

And I want that again.

this entry's "curated collection":

| 🌟🎶 Musical Pick(s) of the Week! 🎶🌟 |

taking back curation from algorithms: one human recommendation at a time.

indieweb blog highlights:

misc internet wonders:

cybersec / tech

video essays:

quotes:

Before, I was always reprimanding myself harshly internally and unconsciously. Why am I always so sensitive? Why am I always completely drained after I meet people? Why am I so fragile and weak? It became so internalised and unconscious that I was not even really aware of it. It manifested as negative sensations I felt. Shame, anger, embarrassment. disappointment, contempt: I can probably name these sensations now if I tried to, but not when I was drowning in them.

I wouldn’t treat another person this way, why was I doing it to myself? Old habits die hard. I am still very negative to myself, but there have been more moments when I started to notice that I am finally meeting myself at where I am.

I am learning that it is really important to know how to take care of our selves. It is not just about having alone time, going for a massage, giving ourselves treats etc, but the way we interact with our selves internally. The internal environment that surrounds our psyches is perpetual, it is like the air we breathe. Just like breathing it is mostly unconscious. If we stay in an unventilated room for too long the accumulated carbon dioxide would make us groggy, and it if its too chronic and prolonged it will cause serious health issues. The same happens with a toxic internal environment. We have these unconscious responses every time we interact with something whether internally or externally. Just thinking alone can cause great unhappiness. Thoughts need a healthy environment to swim in, or it becomes a self-perpetuating source of suffering.

It may seem narcissistic to write so extensively on my self, but I have learnt that until we learn to manage our own internal environment we will always be unconsciously harming others. We are like an instrument, we will keep playing broken music to other people if we are broken. That said I think every one is broken in their own way, and I think the point is not to have a mindset that we have to be fixed, but rather we have to understand our own qualities and quirks – just like Keith Jarrett leveraging on the qualities of a broken piano – so that we can carry more aliveness and live more thoroughly. Without that self-awareness we are unknowingly being discordant to our selves, and without internal harmony it is difficult to engage with the world meaningfully.

All those years I thought of The sunrise as searching, accusatory, judgemental. But it wasn't. The sunrise is hope's daily invitation to you to come back to life. And if you still have a day, if you're still alive, you're still invited.

Maybe it’s not too late, I thought. Maybe I can still learn how to say this thing, which is the only thing worth saying—at least to me, so much of the time—about how this beauty rises up out of the everyday and makes everything, even the unbearable, seem almost worth it.

"Tell me... what is the one certain thing you know concerning your future, and mine?" "That we shall die." "Yes. There's really only one real question that can be answered, Genry. And we already know the answer. The only thing that really makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty. Not knowing what comes next.

We're a piece of art, on a journey, just trying to find the best way to tell our story.

I think that’s the real secret of regular writing. It’s not always about sharing profound ideas, but about sitting with yourself long enough to discover what you’ve already been thinking.

this post was last edited 6 months ago.

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