_059: completing the ritual
tonight, i finally completed a ritual that i commenced, yet never finished, almost 5 years ago. one that i stumbled upon by complete accident.
a movie that i never saw all the way through. one that, upon picking it haphazardly to watch tonight, that i even believed i'd never watched.
a movie that i put on with a dear friend, who accompanied me through its relatively lengthy runtime, experiencing what i can only say is a wholly unique, moving, tragic, yet breathtakingly beautiful and hopeful experience. of mental illness, ideation, repetition, holding on to the past until you become one and fuse with it. until separating yourself from it becomes as scary as losing yourself completely.
i, somewhat unknowingly but very much willingly, ended up simultaneously sharing and discovering so many elements of myself tonight that i hadn't quite yet been able to put into words, or images, before.
and, all this is to say, god it's inspired me to create. well, it would be remiss of me to leave it just at that - rather, it's filled me to the brim with the burning urge to do so.
i need to get my hands on a camera like that again.
and i need to speak through it. each day. bring it with me, feel the taste of the words as they pass my lips and manifest as images. my soul cries out at me to do so.
so i will pray, search, fight, beg and yearn to find that vessel once again. god knows it's been waiting.
the ritual has gone on long enough.
The inverse of reality and fiction. Conversely, reality, co-opted by fiction, loses its value. None of this matters to me anymore. My consciousness, my reality, my subject all converge in her. Certainly, she longs to escape into fantasy. Certainly, I long to escape from fantasy.
I want to keep a visual record of this contradictory phenomena.
But, my behaviour is really no more than an excuse for my inability to communicate except through images.
i wish to speak, once more. and i think the voice(s) have returned.
~ juni
links for 9/04/25:
- Ivanti (finally) patches Connect Secure zero-day exploited since mid-March - stack-based buffer overflow allowing a remote unauthenticated attacker to achieve remote code execution... yeah.
- The Lasting Importance of the Kagerou Project
- Remembering Shiina Mota and Samfree
- MoTW Series:
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