☘️ juni-personal ☘️

_046: the jester who misses juggling

David Hoover, The Crooked Man

sometimes, demons rear their heads in all kinds of wayward and unexpected forms. (not least of them the humble daemon - which is just about one of my favourite words... but i digress)

i've been consciously attempting to take more time to breathe, spend with myself, and "relax" lately. this has manifested in putting projects that previously brought me a lot of joy on hold: such as the visual novel i was working on, editing VHS footage into a post-trip memoire, designing and re-hand-coding my website, alongside several others.

i used to be the queen of "juggling projects" - yes, it was rough, and yes, it was somewhat unsustainable, but i was proud of it, and even more so, it felt like me. however, i'm not blind to the litany of its own issues that this lifestyle brought: burnout, fatigue, a dwindling social & family life, overworking, anxiety.

yet... i've still been feeling all of the above, despite putting these projects to the side. despite "taking time for myself". i'm feeling just as if not more empty and unfulfilled than i did before.

because before, at least, i was creating things. art, programs, connections with people. my effort was tangible, and i could look at it, others could look at it, and smile. it could invoke an emotional response in them, in me, even in the smallest of ways.

now, i spend most of my days wandering back and forth from work, where i now chip drearily away at project proposals, plans and write-ups that go largely unread. and because of who i am, i want to do them well, and so i end up spending most of my days on these plans. i work late into the evening, after starting late, then have no energy to do anything when i get home aside from cook dinner and procrastinate doing literally anything that i enjoy or remotely want to do.

i've become an expert at filling the time between my next meal/snack and then sleep.

i read this article today, and this particular passage stuck out to me:

Procrastinators often follow exactly the wrong track. They try to minimize their commitments, assuming that if they have only a few things to do, they will quit procrastinating and get them done. But this goes contrary to the basic nature of the procrastinator and destroys [their] most important source of motivation. The few tasks on [their] list will be by definition the most important, and the only way to avoid doing them will be to do nothing. This is a way to become a couch potato, not an effective human being

i don't think the solution for me is to put my projects, the things that bring me joy and actual fulfillment in life, on hold.

i need to adjust my days to the rhythm of my body.

prioritise my wellbeing and personal endeavours over work - put them first. do them first - spend mornings on what i want to do, whilst i have that luxury, and then work with whatever energy i have left after that.

i've quickly slipped into the habit of putting my work before my life, and my happiness - requiring me to "complete the day" before i work on anything i want to do, or want to make.

and this just results in my energy being poured into the wrong part of my day, and life.

so, flip the narrative, and:

...deceive your own brain into thinking that the "low urgency" tasks are really the "high urgency" ones.

my personal projects, learning more about a topic i'm interested in, messing with hacking, building something, or (if i'm not in the mood) playing a damn game or reading a damn book - whatever it is.

these come first. whilst i have the privilege of shaping my day (time-wise) - these will come first. chronologically, and hopefully, with time, mentally, too.

~ juni

links for 27/03/25:

Procrastinators are already adept experts in tricking one's own brain. By inventing conditions for yourself that makes it impossible to do the task you want to do, you are setting yourself up for inevitable and unavoidable failure which eventually comes to pass, only further perpetuating the cycle. It's for that reason that Structured Procrastination can be such a powerful framework of thinking.

memories twist into one another. not like film strips, more like books pages melting into one another. that's all a person is in the end, isn't it? bones and blood and beauty spliced to memories.

For someone who feels like an intruder in their own body, [kissing] is connection given an act. It makes me feel like I belong.

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