_034: the world is blurry
tonight, I met some beautiful people. I intersected with some truly heartening pockets of existence, and got at least partially familiar with some other brilliantly humane and imperfectly inspiring ways of viewing this world.
I'm not currently making any sense. today has been a mess in all senses of that word - I've dreaded yet eagerly anticipated every meal, or rather, period in which I consume something. my perspective with everything that is normal and required to exist is fragmented and fundamentally broken, flawed. i feel like I'd be best locked away, looked after like a specimen under a microscope, if only my fractured state of being could be of some benefit to the rest of humanity, helping steer others away from the same obsessive, all-encompassing fate that I've sealed myself with. there's a certain freedom in which alcohol brings - I can consume, in a liquified and unaccountable sense, pure ecstacy and elation, I can indulge in feelings and sensations beyond the constricting and oppressive reign of calories. and repression. and guilt, and an endless spiral of self hatred, loathing and unworthiness.
this entry is perhaps the most raw and unfiltered of them all. my brain is hanging from threads; held together by the barest of synapses, each straining to contain and support something that cannot definitively take shape and decide what it truly wants to become.
my essence and my brain yearns for freedom. yet I remained confined to this physical, material realm. so I may as well make the most of it - with the little time and space that I have to occupy. and must remain thankful that I've been afforded that, at the very least.
many of us haven't been given the same.
endless love, dear reader(s). even if, especially if, it's just future me.
~ juni
links & quotes for 15/03/25:
you can convince someone of a lie, but not that they're being lied to.
the parts of the internet i love, it's the weirdest shit. craziest shit. people who stapled bread to trees, or who would connect with someone on the other side of the planet, and both place a piece of bread on the ground to make an earth sandwich.
content killed the internet.
the internet nowadays exists as a way to drive the masses in a particular direction via emotional responses.
- silkie (a dear friend of mine - paraphrased)
three years ago I made a promise to myself. you are not to consume anything insightful or practical unless you are willing to sit down and take notes on it. this targets one of the worst things in our lives - mental masturbation - forced accomplishment, doing something that feels productive, but nothing changes.
In the process of recuperating, I discovered that I had neglected the artistic side of me - the imaginative, curious child who was never afraid to try new things and play with ideas they conjured up. Turns out, somewhere along the way of building a “career,” I let fear dictate how I lived my life. I stopped taking chances. I found new ways to say “no” to myself.
If you're here, you've probably seen my writing, or my photos, or my VO work, or podcasts, or various other creative output. Some would say that I stretch myself too thin. But i'm fully committed to embracing my innate desire to try things that interest me, and ignore the inner-censor that says, “No. Specialize. Commit. You're too messy. Too disorganized. How could anyone possibly like you?” I don't need narrative cohesion to be a fucking person. ... Point is, we're all just lil' guys. So much more than what we appear to be. And, personally, after years of whittling myself down into an empty shell devoid of passion or anything even resembling an identity, I decided that I’m not afraid to be seen trying anymore.
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