_025: persistence
persistence. it's a strange one, isn't it?
it's a quality i used to be so, darned good at. almost too much so, at times. but i feel as if it's faded as i've grown older, along with my attention span, my concentration, my capacity to just sit with the world, etc. etc. etc.
but before i tumble down that rabbit hole, let me fill it in with dirt for now and turn my attention to a different manifestation of the concept.
during my psychology appointment today, we briefly touched on the low mood / energy / contact cycle. how the idea of receding from the world becomes increasingly appealing (at least, to me), the lower my mood gets.
interacting with people takes effort. and yes, i heard the tone in which your brain pronounced that word - mine did so, too. its become instinctual - we throw around that word, effort, as if it's such a negative thing. something that costs us so much, that should be preserved at all costs - and something we shouldn't have to expend on causes deemed "unworthy".
yet, at the same time, everything you do will take effort. varying degrees of it, sure - but even just living is effort.
however, making a concerted effort (hah) to try and routinely put in just a little more effort than you might feel necessary/possible, may go a long way. the returns on effort you put into various situations are not always even - sometimes, putting in a little more when you absolutely just cannot be bothered, opens up doors that you previously thought were triple-deadlocked shut.
in a very roundabout way - commitments like the drive i went on earlier this week, the film festival i participated in tonight - they all were the result of putting in a little more effort, when the back of my brain urged me that it would be easier to just profusely apologise that i was too tired and save myself the uncertainty of the journey, the commitment.
yet that little bit more effort, to take a few brief strokes and move outside the swelling rip of my rigidity, my evening comfort zones, and into unknown waters - that effort brought me moments of happiness that i would've never achieved by myself.
so this is a reminder to whoever is reading this (so, myself) - sometimes, you don't always want to, but you need to. we can get so hypersensitive to potential risk that our threat perception shoots up, and almost causes the thing we're worried about to happen - because that is what our focus is in the moment.
sometimes, its the things that you instantly default on that are the areas that need challenging the most.
in order to maintain persistence (1337 h@x0r-style) within your own life.
links for 6/03/25:
- Analysing PDF exploits & malware
- LuLu - the FOSS macOS network firewall
- KnockKnock - Uncovers persistent installed software on MacOS
- how to gain code execution on millions of people and hundreds of popular apps (re-link from previous post)
- how to analyze malicious files (twxtter thread)
I preferred Albert's interior paintings, which he made in the years following Eva's death. The vacant, and barely-furnished rooms that still carried the uneasy presence of someone who had just left, or was expected to arrive. Rooms that were holding their breath; the chairs unoccupied, the bookshelves bare, the walls unadorned, the doors tentatively ajar. These paintings had a tension and atmosphere that his portraits of Eva lacked, disquiet emanated from them like a smell. they were electrically charged, their stillness moved. - Girl in a Pink Dress (Kylie Needham)
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