Money, money, money, money!

Hi Friends,

I took a couple of weeks off from diving deep into red flags to shift gears in my professional life. Last week, I launched Blacklist, a platform and safe space for workers of all industries to share stories, warnings, and resources with communities of common experience.

But I’m baaaack!

Building Blacklist and having conversations with folks around entrepreneurship and being a Black tech founder has unearthed my icks around discussing money with dates. In my experience, it’s an automatic turnoff when a date calls me “big money” when he sees me roll up in my car (it’s literally a Mazda, so he can calm down). Or when I mention that I do a solo trip every year (I’m flying on the cheapest airlines during the off-season, so cool your jets, dude).

So let’s talk about it.

Red Flags When Discussing Money

1. They’re easily impressed (to you). Everyone has their own path in life. For some, having a steady job in this economy is a major accomplishment. Others expect people in their age group to have achieved so much more. Whatever your expectations of peers are, make sure you’re dating within that range. The disparity will continue to play out in the relationship over and over.

2. They suggest half-jokingly/half-seriously that you pay for all of the dates (“since you make so much”). A guy once told me “How about you grab this, since you’re a big executive and all.” I had just been promoted to a VP and my salary compared to his was triple. We were going out to celebrate (his idea), but I paid. I wasn’t sure if he was joking about the bill, and I didn’t stay long to find out.

3. They’re insecure about their finances and make it your problem. I once heard “Water always finds its level.” At the time, I wasn’t sure if I agreed with how it was used, but I’m starting to get it. Dating someone with a financial situation that’s vastly different from yours is up to you, but in my experience, someone who is insecure about how they stack up to you financially will bring it out when they’re upset. They’ll use it against you, as in, “Well sorry I’m not rich like you want me to be!” or “You knew I didn’t make as much as you when we met so excuse me for needing you to pay for this trip!” If they start of the relationship reminding you that you’re going to be the breadwinner, be advised it may come out in angry situations later.

4. They claim to have a ton of money but never splurge. Anyone who brags about their assets, but has yet to prove to you they exist is hiding something. It’s one thing to be quietly wealthy and humble about it. It’s another thing to constantly talk about how rich you are, unprompted, and then never pick up the tab when you’re out.

5. You have different ways of viewing money. Back when I was still married, my partner and I took a finance class together. As part of the class, we took a quiz that determined how we both viewed money. I viewed money as freedom, and my husband viewed money as security. This played out in our spending and saving habits. I lived a “you can’t take it with you!” lie and my husband wanted to squirrel money away for a rainy day. It was just one of the many ways we were incompatible, but it was a big one.