Bonus Content: Dating Games

I recently posted about an awkward date I had yesterday with a potential covert narcissist. There’s so much more to this date, y’all.

First, let’s repeat the definition of covert narcissism:

Covert narcissism refers to a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) where individuals exhibit narcissistic traits but in a more subtle and less overt manner compared to the typical grandiose and attention-seeking behavior associated with narcissism. While overt or grandiose narcissists display their sense of superiority and self-importance openly, covert narcissists tend to be more introverted, sensitive, and prone to feelings of insecurity.

At first, I thought that this was just an awkward date. He’s nervous and that’s totally normal. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized why I was so triggered: I’ve seen this before.

A few things stood out on this date:

• He didn’t stand up or hug me or shake my hand to greet me

• He refused eye contact

• He insisted on playing a dating game/drinking game (despite me saying I was still sick from drinking too much recently and didn’t want to drink)

• Whenever I tried to elaborate on a question, he would shut me down and redirect us back to his drinking game

• If I asked a question outside of the drinking game, he would seem thrown off and frustrated

• When my stomach started churning, I left, and he suggested we try again…or never

About 20 minutes into the date, I felt a wave of nausea. I could barely move or lift my head. I couldn’t tell if it was something I ate or drank, but looking back, I realized I was having a panic attack.

The date was suffocating me. He wouldn’t let me speak. Wouldn’t respond to any funny joke I attempted to make. He was so insistent about driving the structure of the date and the conversation. He came prepared to have the date of his dreams, whether or not I liked it. My body was trying to get me out of there. So how did I get out? Here are some suggestions to help navigate the situation:

1. Remain calm: As I’ve written about before, I’ve had to get out of my dates after a man flipped a table because I wouldn’t go home with him. Maintain a calm and positive demeanor despite the awkwardness. Avoid getting visibly flustered or upset, as it can escalate the discomfort. Remind yourself that awkwardness is common and temporary.

2. Diffuse, diffuse, diffuse: Make a joke and lighten the mood. In my case, I joked about a 3-day hangover that was causing stomach issues. Getting old, amirite?

3. Acknowledge the awkwardness: A simple, "Well, this is a bit awkward, isn't it?” Goes a long way. “It be like that sometimes,” as the kids say.

4. Be polite, yet firm: I was nervous about leaving a date 20 minutes in. What if I hurt his feelings? What if he gets angry like that guy I wouldn’t go home with? No matter how hurt he may be, I need to maintain my boundaries and get out of situations that make me feel unsafe. When he asked if I was sure I needed to leave, I said with confidence, “Yes.”

5. Trust your gut, literally: The minute my stomach started bubbling, I took it seriously. I don’t want to be here, I have to get out. This isn’t fun, this isn’t a good use of my time, this man is nice, but also rude and I can’t reconcile that. My anxiety was through the roof. It’s ok if it’s not a good match. It’s ok to trust your gut and end a date early if you’re feeling uncomfortable.

No one is perfect and first dates are awkward. Follow my lead: trust yourself and prioritize your well-being if you’re feeling uncomfortable and get out.