Bad date or covert narcissist?

Hi friends,

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. Rough. Work travel plus getting sick plus going on a string of first dates (some fun, one AWFUL) has left me exhausted. I’m going to tell you about my date in detail in some bonus content later, but for now, read on.

Yesterday, I met a guy who seemed so fun online. Now, I don’t date often these days because I feel like I’ve learned my lesson over the years — if someone is going to come into my life, they better bring it. Otherwise, I’m good. This guy seemed like someone I could be friends with. We chatted about my dogs’ names, politics, and the lost (now found) submersible that dominated the headlines this week. He was quick-witted and not sexual in the slightest. I felt like he was into me as a person. So why not keep the party going at happy hour?

I was so wrong. I’ve talked about first date red flags before. We know the usual suspects (look for boundaries, rudeness, overly sexual, lying, etc.). But what about the super subtle things that just hint at red flags?

Share 🚩 Red Flags 🚩

1. Immediate awkwardness. I know that people can be socially awkward. Not everyone is an extrovert and they’re meeting a stranger for the first time. But if their online personality is the exact opposite of their in-person personality…think twice. In my case, I was honestly worried that he had someone else typing his messages to me. He refused eye contact, wouldn’t let me speak or guide the conversation without interrupting me. Who was this guy?!

2. Lack of interest or engagement. On the same note as awkwardness, if your date seems disinterested, distracted, or shows a lack of engagement in the conversation, it could be a sign that they're not genuinely interested in getting to know you. I could tell he wanted to meet me in our chat, but he didn’t seem excited to be there. There’s nervousness, and then there’s boredom. If you’re struggling to tell the difference with your date, try speaking up? Or do what I did and just leave.

3. He calls women “girls” and men “men.” This is subtle, but I can’t shake the feeling that men who refer to women as “girls” are slightly misogynistic. I tested my date by correcting him and he seemed incensed but not deterred. He just kept on referring to me, the grown woman in front of him, as a girl, but himself as a man. He wasn’t interested in respecting me and he didn’t care to realize the mistake he continued to make. Maybe I’m overthinking it, maybe he’s a misogynist, or maybe it’s Maybelline.

4. Inability to let a conversation flow. I say “let” because conversations flow naturally, but if you’re trying to ask questions or go deeper on a topic and your date keeps redirecting you back to what he wants to talk about? Leave. Call it right there. On this date, I felt like I was a character in his fantasy of the perfect first date. Having an ideal first date is totally normal, but not living in the reality that there is another person who may have a different idea of “ideal” is a major red flag. They’re not looking for you, they’re looking for a warm body to play a role in their fantasy. Pay attention to how much your date talks about themselves without showing genuine curiosity about you. If they monopolize the conversation, constantly steer it back to themselves, and show little interest in your thoughts or experiences, it may indicate a self-centered nature.

5. Obvious low self-esteem. This one is tough. We all struggle with self-esteem, of course. But as someone who has survived a narcissistic partner, dates who constantly put themselves down or hint that they don’t expect you to want a second date (5 minutes in!) are bad news. There is a tactic in narcissism that aims to get you to feel sorry for them so that you stay out of pity, not love. My date yesterday said twice that he would love a second date “or if I wanted to, we could call it right here.” Which is it? Do you want a second date or do you never want to see me again? He might have thought he was endearing, but it just squicked me out.

Are you seeing a theme? Dates who seem bored, uninterested, uncomfortable, and unwilling to share the conversation steering wheel with you, they may be socially awkward, or they may be a covert narcissist. Covert narcissism refers to a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) where a person exhibits narcissistic traits but in a more subtle and less overt manner compared to the typical grandiose and attention-seeking behavior associated with narcissism. While overt or grandiose narcissists display their sense of superiority and self-importance openly, covert narcissists tend to be more introverted, sensitive, and prone to feelings of insecurity.