/Sleep/

Something I’m getting too much of.

Welcome back. Oh, what a week it’s been.

I thought I’d start us off by talking about one of my favorite things… a vice of mine, even…

Sleep.

Oh, I love sleeping.

No alarm set? Well, Annabelle’s sleeping in until 2:30pm. Easy.

Mostly, I love sleep because it helps me be my best avoidant self. Procrastinating on a poem? Sleep will help me keep up my laziness streak. Overwhelming anxious rumination? Sleep will help me disappear. Tired? Sleep will fix that.

Or… will it?

Yeah, so, I’m never rested.

No matter how much sleep I get, you can count on me to always, always be yawning up a storm the next day.

I’ve been struggling with this exhaustion of mine for a considerable amount of time, usually chalking it up to my anxiety… the state of the world… whatever else…

This week, though, after going down a WebMD super-spiral, I finally visited my doctor.

GUYS! I got bloodwork done and she ordered me a sleep study.

Maybe, maybe I’ll be able to wake up for work or whatever else I have to go to and feel refreshed instead of sluggish.

Maybe I’ll be able to remember my dreams.

Dreams…

I only remember a few dreams I’ve dreamt. The others are long lost, buried under piles of thoughts about the day-to-day. Rarely can I recall the night-to-night.

The few I do remember, the special ones, are primarily from my childhood. They’ve been stored as little snippets somewhere up here for quite some time.

For someone who calls herself a creative, it is shocking how little I utilize dreams in my creativity.

So… instead of staying stuck… I went to a workshop for it!

In celebration of National Poetry Month, Haricot Vert’s craft nook and The Poetry Society of New York partnered up to create “Poetry In The Dreamworld”, a generative workshop in which we explored the connections between dreams and poetry with Jackie Braje.

We drank tea out of pretty teacups, talked about unconscious influences on the poetic, and were given the opportunity to explore Haricot Vert’s dreamy crafting materials.

Not only did I create this silly little collage,

But I was also provided with the chance to finally use a fantastical childhood dream of mine (about a dragon chasing me from an ice cream parlor to a cornfield) in a poem.

I asked questions to myself about the dream,

Questions I hadn’t yet wondered in all the years I’ve remembered it.

I gave myself some answers.

Yesterday, I posted the poem as escapril day 19.

Using a dream to fuel my poetic process allowed me to infuse so much more unconstrained creativity into my work. I was able to take myself out of the judgemental and critical mode I get into, and into the dreamworld.

I hope I’m able to dream more. Very soon.

I hope I figure out why I’m sleeping so much.

And, on that note…

Subscribe now

/Senseless/

Pointless. Illogical. Unconscious. Without sensation.

Sometimes things feel a little bit stupid.

Why am I sleeping when it doesn’t even rest me?

Why am I stressing about my goals when we might not see the future?

Why am I talking about these things when we’re falling fast into facism?

Why do people die young?

Why is it getting harder and harder to feel, yet I feel so much?

I get overwhelmed with the big questions and all their big stupidities, and the little things go unnoticed.

Like

Tulips

I was crying… walking down the street.

It was such a beautiful spring day, and there were still tulips blooming. Something was okay.

The mushrooms… they’re also okay. And the strawberries.

The simple joy I feel while putting produce in punnets at work is so profound sometimes.

The freshness that perfumes the air… the creativity and recipe ideas… the burst of flavor when I steal a berry for myself.

Sometimes, I don’t make a super creative recipe during a week or write a good poem. Sometimes my brain won’t let me, or I’m busy and time gets away…

It’s odd, how I run out of time for things I enjoy when I’m busy…

The things I enjoy are the first to go.

I want to stop feeling this way. I want to find the things I enjoy within the things I’m busy doing.

I enjoy cooking and baking… so while I’m not doing that, I share food facts with customers at work. Do you realize just how many meals you can make with this oyster mushroom? Do you know how to properly store a tomato??? (NOT in the fridge).

I enjoy color, planning, and words…. so while I’m at work, I find ways to ensure the store is as bright, as colorful, and as talkative as possible. Who knows what refreshing conversations will come along?

These little facts and joys, the ones that go overlooked even if they aren’t “big” achievements, are the things I hope to highlight most in this newsletter.

Little things deserve their light.

On that note…

/Sandwiches/

Deliciousness between bread.

As I’ve mentioned,

this week was weird.

I’ve been tired, I’ve been worried about various issues, and I’ve felt like I haven’t DONE anything…

But whenever I think that, there is always something I HAVE DONE.

What have I done?

Well, I went to that PSNY Dreamland workshop.

I picked out my coworker-and-friend Zoila’s sandwich fillings when she was hungry and neeeeeeeded something from Mercado.

(We went with smoked turkey, pesto mayo, mozzarella, basil, spinach, tomato, and probbbbbably something else… grilled pressed on ciabatta).

I went to Hailee Catalano’s book launch.

I submitted some poetry to lit mags at Brooklyn Poets.

I cheered up a new friend.

I reached out to an old friend.

I completed a week of escapril and a week of this newsletter.

When I write it all out like that, it feels like a whole lot.

On that note… Little things often feel unimportant, but then you realize they’re the only things you really have.

/Parting Words/

A song on repeat:

A snack I’m liking lately:

Animal crackers

A drink I’m liking lately:

Half raspberry iced tea/half lemonade

A random thing I enjoy:

Miffy

A thing I’m reading or watching:

Absolute Animal by Rachel Dewoskin

A clothing item I find fun:

My Frog & Toad t-shirt

With love and appreciation,

Annabelle