I started dating again. It’s been a while. I forgot what it felt like. In the last few years, I’ve been in relationships that lasted for a while, but they ended for one reason or another as they do. In every break-up, at least one person is an asshole.
First of all, I forgot how adolescent dating it is. Does he like me? Do I like him? Who likes the other one better? Nothing has changed since I was 16 and started dating, and then stopped until I was 18 because I couldn’t take it anymore.
I really wanted to start dating at age 13, but when 35-year-old guys showed up at the house, un-invited, my Father would always ask “Do you realize my daughter is only 13?” and chased them out of the house, down the driveway. (I was “fully developed” and at age 12, I looked down at my chest and asked “Who ordered the melons?”) I didn’t know what to make of it all at first. It was scary. My Mom would joke that my Dad was my in-house “Security,” who had to shoo the “perverts” away. I had wonderful parents. I was lucky.
Nothing has changed. I forgot how ridiculous dating is. A girlfriend asked me how the dating was going, and I found myself saying “Babysitting grown ass adult men is going great.”
The last “almost relationship” I had was a short-lived two month equivalent of an intense “Love & Sexapalooza.” The guy “love bombed” me, and told me stuff like “I can’t stop thinking about you, I miss you, I’ve never met anyone like you, and “Sex with you is so dreamy.” Who doesn’t want to hear that? I believed him.
It was fun and exciting—until I discovered he had a girlfriend who also thought she was having a monogamous relationship with him. I was crushed.
Apparently, I was the side-piece. What an asshole. When he dumped me (over text) I felt like the runner-up contestant on The Bachelorette, who gets quickly shoved into the show’s limo on her way out of The Bachelorette Mansion. Still got it.
Recently, I got back into the “game” by flirting with the cute divorced neighbor up the street. I had two great dates with him, but the “thing” is so new that I have no idea where we stand. Or whether or not I will ever see him again. I haven’t had sex with him yet, which means we aren’t “dating” yet. But he did tell me two nights ago over the phone that he couldn’t sleep “because he had a boner.” So things are going well. Stay tuned. Thank God he doesn’t know what Substack is.
Two weeks before I met him, during an at-home “single and ready to mingle Saturday night,” by myself, I made the mistake of going on a couple of dating apps, which I haven’t been on in at least a dozen years, so 2014. Do people still go on those? I had no idea. Are guys on there serial killers, or even worse, rapists?
According to the current The New York Times wedding section stories, half the people actually admitted to meeting on dating apps like Hinge or Bumble or The League. At least half. I wasn’t trying to end up in the Times wedding section; I was just hoping to meet someone I can stand.
I have chronicled my three “dating app dates.” All of it really happened; I couldn’t even make this stuff up if I tried.
DATE #1: The articulate thinker, NYC: Handsome face in his profile pics, sexy voice over the phone, interesting conversationalist. A little short for me at 5 foot 8”, as I am 5 foot 5.5”, and nobody is perfect, so I let his height slide.
We arranged to meet outside a French bistro in Soho and go for a drink. He showed up, and it was a shocker moment…
He looked like he was 5 foot 1”. Or maybe 5 foot.
That’s reducing his “5 foot 8” height description on his profile by 7-8 inches. I forgot that people aren’t exactly honest when describing their physical appearance on dating apps. What is this, “dating app math?” I have to date deceptive midgets now?
His height would especially be a problem because I like to wear 2, 3, or 4 inch-heels or boots which takes me up to 5 foot 7.5”- foot - 5 foot 9.5.” Standing there in my 4-inch boots, he looked so short, that if he ever went down on me, he’d have to “go up.”
I know he can’t help how short he is, but maybe he should have disclosed exactly how short he was. I politely told him I “I enjoyed talking to you over the phone, but I don’t think we’re a match.” I felt bad for him, but I also felt that he lowered his real height on his profile by 7-8 inches, which is a lot. I also thought that maybe he could go on a “petite women” dating site or something. There is someone for everyone.
But then again, I also thought “I’m trying to date over here, and I just can’t see myself dating someone who looks like he’s in 6th grade.
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