I TRIED OZEMPIC

“Everyone is on Ozempic,” according to one of my girlfriends. If everyone is on it, then why is no one talking about it? Apparently it’s embarrassing to tell someone you’re on “the fat shot,” as Trump calls it. Trump lost 20 pounds on Ozempic but gained it all back, so it’s hardly a miracle drug. This strange drug does have side effects. Man, does it have side effects. I tried it and it was the weirdest thing ever I ever ingested. Let me take you down the O-hole to the land of OZ.

Nine months ago, I decided to get in the best shape of my life, like I was when I did CrossFit—which I did for three years, which was torture. I can’t even believe I did it. At CrossFit, which is akin to Army boot camp, I used to lose weight the old fashioned way; getting barked at by Sergeant-like jerky trainers, then getting overheated and throwing up afterwards in the parking lot.

I wanted to get into the kind of shape that I could do “thirst trap” fitness model photos, like those fitness ho’s on Instagram who pose like they’re marketing themselves to the highest bidder.

I began by going to the gym every day, never missing a day for five months, and working out like a maniac. I was obsessed. I focused on CrossFit’s “Paleo diet” of protein, water, and no sugar, salivating at the pastries and big fat donuts at the grocery store that will forever test me to look at. Now I know what it’s like to be sober. I lost 23 pounds.

I even went to Gold’s gym in Venice Beach, California near Los Angeles for a month for inspiration, where there were actual ex Mr. Olympia winners working out with hard to believe Muscle God bodies. Going there is great for anyone who needs to be shocked into the realization that they need to start working out more. The people who work there and work out there are helpful and encouraging. One guy was working out with an apparent testosterone induced boner, who looked like he could benchpress 250 pounds with his erect penis.

But then I reached a plateau. I still wanted to lose another 10 pounds to look like all the other skinny bitches in LA. I wanted to go to “Pound Town” with someone new.

And one day there he was; the “someone new.” I was walking up my street and saw a guy I’d never seen before watering his succulents. “Wow, look at him” I thought. I first noticed his hunky Muscle Daddy-ness, then checked for a wedding ring. None. “Hey, how ya doin?” he said as he sprayed, holding the hose in-between his legs. Not expecting him to be so friendly, I nervously blurted out “It suddenly got hot today!” like an idiot.

“I just moved in and inherited all these succulents and cacti” he chatted. And they left me this hose.” Suddenly excited, I said “Those are so cool, I have the jade ones too.” Then I started sweating, got even more nervous, and blurted out “Yeah, it’s unusually hot today, I could use some of that hose!” which came out wrong and which I instantly regretted saying. He laughed with this big laugh and said real silly “Care for a squirt?”

Omg. Thank you God. This is my idea of “Neighborhood Watch.” (My “Dating Diaries”to be continued…but now “The Ozempic Diaries.”)

THE OZEMPIC DIARIES: OZEMPIC IS A BITCH