3 mistakes I made

I was a master at avoiding my heart. I literally spent 2 decades pretending I was—happy, fine, and totally okay (imagine me smiling and shrugging my shoulders while I tried to convince myself and you that all was well!). I didn’t need help because I kept my heart buried beneath my good and Godly optimism.

The only reason I stopped running away from my pain was because anxiety was squeezing me breathless. Before I could really start the healing journey, I had to debunk 3 myths I believed.

1. My pain wasn’t a big deal—I minimized my hurt. I rationalized away all my sadness because people around the world were suffering more than me. How could I complain when people elsewhere were starving? Because people were suffering more, I didn’t deserve to feel my suffering.

2. My parents did the best they could—my parents had a pretty rough upbringing. Both of my parents were abandoned by their parents. How could I complain when they gave me a life better than the one they were given?

3. What is the point of hurting—why would I welcome pain? What was the point of digging up all my past and processing it? It seemed so self indulgent and even narcissistic to focus on myself so much.

These 3 ideas seemed to serve me well. They kept my heart safe. But, in time, they really began to strangle me and they didn’t work to protect me from my pain.

What I wish I could tell my younger self…

1. Someone else’s suffering doesn’t cancel out mine. Certainly others have gone through trauma that surpasses mine, but it doesn’t negate my story of struggle. This mistake was simply a way I tried to deflect my hurt and not deal with it.

2. Yes, my parents had a hard life. For the most part, they gave me a really wonderful upbringing. But, there is no escaping trauma (large or small). A parent’s love, good intentioned or not, was imperfect. Just because they had a tough childhood doesn’t mean I can’t express my pain.

3. The point of pain isn’t to simply endure pain. The point of pain is the discover union with God. God, who suffered, draws us into Himself through suffering. Jesus endured the cross and He invites us into a life of communion with Him through death and resurrection.

   Oh, and to my younger self, I would offer a whole lot more compassion and a lot less condemnation.

   If you find yourself wrestling with if you should go on a journey to feel your pain, consider listening to this podcast. It will help you articulate your experience.

Also, consider reading my book—Feel: A collection of liturgies offering hope for every complicated emotion. This devotional is a resource that can help you find words for the messy feelings in your heart. It will provide a way through your pain.

Thanks for letting me take up space in your inbox.

I am so grateful. Stay awake to love, dear friend.