I’m out of office this week, and entirely unplugged (ok that’s a complete lie — I just did 15 TV interviews for a Vaccinate Your Family media blitz, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I’m unplugged).
Fine, I am bad at unplugging. However, I am very good at prioritizing – and family is always easy to prioritize for me. When I am on vacation, the kids know the deal: no work, phones left in the backpack unless I am taking photos/videos, and lots of beach, family, nap, and food fun. We don’t stick to schedules, we stick to vibes. But it wasn’t always this way.
Former Anita would respond to every single email the moment I received it, vacation or not. Former Anita would write postpartum, during a global pandemic, (and get on the first try, if I do say so myself) a giant NIH grant that would help launch her career. That giant NIH grant also contributed to a huge amount of postpartum depression and anxiety. It’s a badge I wear with honor, not shame. Honor that I talk about my PPD/PPA because I was lucky enough to be supported and survive through it, and the many reasons why I developed it (in addition to my genetic milieu). There is no honor in writing a grant postpartum, which I have effectively dissuaded all subsequent younger researchers from doing.
Former Anita was confused. She felt like she needed to prove herself every minute of every day, build the perfect nuclear family she was supposed to achieve, and she resented all people who seemed to effortlessly flit through life on vibes and confidence.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because time off looks different to a lot of people – and it has been a true evolution for this over-scheduled, over-committed, former people pleaser that has recovered herself as a raging liberal who doesn’t give a flying f*ck about what people think of me, because I KNOW who I am today.
I don’t look to others for validation when I KNOW I am doing the right thing. This seemingly small shift was born from trusting my sense of right and wrong, and the integrity I put towards everything I do, online and in my own life. And this feeling of self-worth and self-awareness is because of you. The less I cared about the algorithm, the more I cared about the cause, the more impact I was able to make because you all listened: all 90K of you on Instagram, and the >250 of you over here on Substack.
When I distill who I am and who I want to be – it is a defender of all children: my own children, my children’s schoolmates and friends, the ones I care for in the ICU, the children in Dilley, the children inside and outside of our nation’s borders, all of them. Because not enough people are defending them.
With all this progress, there is also much to work on. I am still trying to convince myself that I am one person who can’t help everyone. As I said – I am still working on this one. However, what I do know is if I don’t take breaks, I will burn out. And let’s just say getting a steady stream of horror about children and adults being abused and neglected at the hands of our own government, lack of breaks has led to real health consequences for me.
My body has always been the signal to me of my internal mental and physical health – and 2-3 times in the last several months I have had days where I truly shut down. 2 out of the 3 episodes happened with concurrent GI distress that somehow went away in 24 hours, but I couldn’t ignore that getting sick so many times is not normal for me. More so, they magically all happened when I was on non-clinical time, doing research and advocacy in my off hours. When the last 2 happened close together, I looked at my husband and said, “We need to get away, like NOW.” A few weeks later, here we are, on our beach vacation week with our close friends nearby. So, I got my break, I am already feeling more clear-eyed and ready to fight. However, I am forgoing my normal science and advocacy essays for this week – but this vacation hasn’t ended, yet.
Be good to yourself, and don’t wait until your body is signaling to you that it needs a break. Especially right now, where taking a break feels selfish when people are being abused in government-sanctioned concentration camps, please take the break. Because this is very much a marathon, not a sprint. And we need our collective “kindness caucus” ready and prepared for the fight to the midterms, and every election that follows.
xoxo
Anita
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