Let Men Break

Has anyone noticed how much heterosexual relationships depend on women’s constant adjustment to accommodate men’s needs? This is why more women need to say no to men, purely out of spite, to establish dominance and put back the fear of God in them.

I have come to realize that what looks like individual male behavior is rarely individual. Men are taught, directly and indirectly, that their needs are stable and valid, while a woman’s needs are flexible and negotiable. So when conflict shows up in a relationship, the resolution is predictable. The woman has to bend, while the man stands tall.

In Nigeria where I live, there’s currently a trending issue involving Roby Ekpo who is some sort of a celebrity, and his ex-wife Mayowa, who just remarried for the third time. Roby still feels entitled to Mayowa in some way, even though their marriage has already ended, and so he’s taken to podcasts and the internet to vent out his frustration. According to him, he’s 48 years old without a child because Mayowa couldn’t give him one. He also laments about how he couldn’t do anything right according to Mayowa, however hard he tried, specifically concerning sex. He said he would have sex with her at least two times a week and she would still want more sex, at least every day. His defense is that he’s an old man and cannot do pass himself.

Let’s take a moment to ponder on this bs. This man’s partner complains to him about her lack of sexual satisfaction, and instead of stepping up to the need and finding ways to please his wife, he simply tells her, “this is all I got, and it has to be OK with you.” Oh, and by the way, you have to give me a child, otherwise that’s just a failure on your part.

This situation is more familiar than I would like to admit, but it is what it is. A man frames his limitations as facts that must be accepted. Even after the relationship ends, the entitlement lingers. He still feels owed something. He thinks he’s owned some level of sympathy. Perhaps even loyalty.

In most traditional heterosexual relationships, men are allowed to define the terms of engagement. When a man applies some effort, it usually looks a lot like generosity. But that same effort from a woman is just an obligation.

When a man says, “I’m doing my best,” what he often means is, “I have decided this is enough.” The usual expectation is for a woman to close the gap between what is and what should be, whichever way she can.

I don’t know when and how a man’s sexual capacity became the standard. If he cannot or will not meet his partner’s needs, it’s probably because she is asking for too much otherwise, why is she not satisfied with his miserable performance? She should be grateful for what she gets.

This is honestly why I find it ridiculous when a man’s desire for children is treated as natural and urgent when it is a woman’s body that will carry the pregnancy and birth the babies. The pregnancy and labor are a woman’s burden to carry and yet, the timeline is often a man’s. Who the fuck came up with this shitty system?

Men often tend to expect patience, softness, and understanding from women regardless of their behavior. This bad behavior is sustained by a culture that trains women to negotiate instead of refuse. Women are encouraged to soften their boundaries into something more acceptable so it’s comfortable for everyone around them otherwise, they risk being labeled as bad or problematic. But entitlement does not respond to explanation. It only responds to limits.

The more a woman negotiates her boundaries, the more those boundaries appear flexible. The more she adjusts, the more adjustment is expected. Over time, she becomes responsible not only for her own needs, but for managing his limitations as well.

More women need to say no to this unfairness and mean it. No, I will not endure your mediocre ass. No, I will not have your children. No, I will not cook for you, and no, I do not forgive your philandering. This will not automatically fix what is wrong with traditional relationships and the world, but it forces responsibility to where it belongs.

So hear this and hear it now, a man who benefits from your flexibility has no incentive to change. Change often comes when access is restricted.

You should say no more often to these men for no fucking reason and let them break if they want to.