"How To ..."

I like studying data.  I’ve downloaded many datasets from the Office of National Statistics (ONS) over the years.  For example, I discovered a cluster of illnesses in a local area and had the local fish farm change its ways.  Quite a lot of that actually. I believe I’m a force for good.

Something is tickling me at the moment.  In Cardiff and the Vale of Glamorgan and a bit of RCT something is going on.  I’m recording this now, in my diary.  Dynas Powys, for example, has three authors of books explaining how to invest wisely in the stock market.  Three.  Do they know each other?  Wikipedia and Google suggest not.  There is another stock market lady in Cowbridge.  All books published in the last three years.  In Barry there are two self-help authors and in Cowbridge (again) a guide to winning on the horses (and the dogs).  There is no similar concentration of similar books elsewhere in the UK.  In Conelly, there is an elderly lady recommending the finest of wines to lay down - as an investment.

Using some skills I gained in doing research as a job a few years ago now, I’ve located each of these authors.  Oddly they don’t seem to be living in mansions, as each of their books, if trustworthy, might suggest—just “nice” places in towns and villages.

Why? What do these authors have in common? The other thing from the ONS data is that there appears to be an uptick in the fortunes of the general population around these authors’ locations.  Reading their biographies suggests that they have never written anything publishable before.  Sales are global and best sellers in their fields.

For the next few weeks, I’m off on a journey.  I’ve managed to get interviews with them all, ostensibly for an article in the local paper.  They all agreed without asking any questions, so none are reclusive.  Let’s see what they have to say.

Number one - James P. Eldgride, stocks and shares.  His house is certainly not stockbroker belt but it is well kept, neat and tidy inside with a fairly dramatic back garden - all kinds of exotic plants growing happily.  James tells me he stumbled on a website, now defunct, that explained all the ins and outs of the stock market, in a really easy-to-understand way, for him at least.  He tried some of the techniques and they all worked nicely.  James is a very rich man indeed but hasn’t spent it on fast cars (he has a 2010 Volvo XC60) or extensions to his house etc.  Just money in the bank.  He likes to give to charity, mostly homeless ones and sees himself as a very lucky man.  I came away from his house with his book, feeling slightly elated.  I don’t have the £5000 minimum that you really need to start an investment portfolio (and which I would have to be prepared to lose), but nonetheless, I did feel as if I could make a lot more if I had that sort of disposable cash.  “Don’t borrow the first five k,” he said, so I won’t.  I sit, now, in my car feeling amazing, writing this.  Most odd.

[Edit: I wrote up every visit to every author on my list (details on request) but it is the same story for each of them, so I won’t put it all here.]

As you can imagine over the last two weeks I’ve been as high as a kite. I have a lot of books to read.  None of the authors knew each other at all, except perhaps a little by reputation.

So, now as I write this, I’ve spotted the common theme.  They are all enthusiastic donors to homeless charities, especially The Big Issue.  All of them.  They have all met The Right Honourable The Lord John Bird MBE, who founded the magazine.  The thing with The Big Issue is that they employ sellers to go onto the streets and sell copies to passers-by for a small profit.  The sellers buy the magazines at the depot for one price and sell for a higher price.  The more charismatic of them sell more copies. And they get to keep the profit as wages.

It seems to me, pulling this together, that maybe there is one Big Issue Seller who is common to all my authors, though none mentioned them by name, or even mentioned buying copies.  I could go back and ask them all, but I suspect they’d be fairly clueless - if they all owed their fortunes to one street seller, then surely they’d all say so, and give them a prize or something?

I contacted the Big Issue offices and they were, understandably, reluctant to give out any names or locations of the employees.  Fair enough.  I’m off to go look myself. Wish me luck diary!

It’s now, six months later. I visited all the towns of all the authors and got to know their local Big Issue sellers, quite well now, and I’m spending a fortune, because, well, it doesn’t bother me now.  They are all fabulous people, down on their luck to a certain extent, but good people to get to know. 

I have a name - Geraldine.  She stopped selling a while ago, but they all knew her. Charismatic to the n-th degree apparently, could charm the socks off a camel.  I just need to find her.  I don’t have a surname or address etc. So I shall be off doing that, wish me luck again diary!

As you can see, this is on a separate bit of paper stuck into this notebook, because I was so convinced I wouldn’t find Geraldine - Gerri, that I carried on with other projects in the book.  But, I pulled some strings, owed some favours, got into a spot or two (details on request) and finally found myself in front of Gerri’s gate and about to walk up the gravel drive.

Gerri’s house, in contrast to her authors, was huge.  And very busy.  Gardeners, under-gardeners, maids, housekeepers and I’m fairly sure I saw a butler moving soundlessly and unobtrusively about the house.  And Gerri looked as regal as you could imagine.  And yet she could just as easily pass as a Big Issue seller.  Remarkable.  She offered me tea in dainty teacups, Earl Grey with lemon, and she was fascinated by my discoveries of late.  Fascinated, interested and very pleased.  It was like each author was one of her god-children, doing well in the world because of her kindly advice.

It turned out that if a Big Issue customer had given her more than ten pounds as extra money above the cost of the magazine, she would, um, this is difficult.  I’ll just write it then - she would give them “woo”.  Impart some kind of blessing, a heavenly gift, a good luck spell, a, a well, A Something. And if the customer continued to give then she ‘saw to it’ that they would be successful and then to share that success with others.  By writing books about it.  In fact, there were others not on my list who were using their given ‘gift’ to help others in all kinds of ways, not just by writing.

For some reason, I instinctively got my wallet out and gave Gerri twenty quid.  She took it gracefully and it didn’t seem odd at the time, like it does now.  I’ve been back a few times.  I bought a packet of loose-leaf Earl Grey tea and some lemons.  

And I am writing the book that you are reading now [edit:not ALL of this stuff needs to go in mate, obviously] : “How to ..”