What I Wish I Knew Before I Rode a Horse for the First Time at Age 45

The single most important thing I wish I knew before I rode a horse for the first time at age 45 is that once you experience the thrill of sitting on a disinterested horse named Redford while walking slowly through the woods for 30 minutes on a sticky summer day, you’re going to wish time travel were real so you could go back, start your life over, and become the horse boy you were clearly destined to be.

I grew up in a time when horse girls were everywhere. Heck, Mallory and Jessi from The Baby-sitters Club sure had their differences, but they both loved horse books by Marguerite Henry. If Mal and Jess could be horse girls despite coming from such different worlds, there was certainly room for a horse boy from Florida.

I should’ve been that horse boy.

Where would I be now? An Olympic gold medalist? A Kentucky Derby-winning trainer? Not a jockey because I’m a robust 5’10” on a good day, but otherwise, the sky’s the limit. Or rather, the sky would’ve been the limit if I’d saddled up four decades sooner.

Instead, I’m stuck here at age 45 with a perpetually sore lower back, no horse-related medals or awards, and this photo of me (in my carefully curated horse outfit!) and my horse after our first-ever ride.

Guess I might as well help y’all out in case you find yourself at a similar station in life.

When you’re 45 years old, and the horse people at the county park stables find out you’ve never ridden a horse before, they’re going to put you through a psychological hazing ritual that is banned in at least 37 states and a handful of territories.

It starts with what seems like a silly joke. One of them will say something like, “We saved Redford for Dad because he’s most likely to jump into the river when we pass by.”

Everyone will laugh appreciatively, including you for a moment… until you notice Redford isn’t laughing. He’s staring at you with his extremely large, piercing eyes. Plotting. Are horse eyes supposed to be that big? While you’re pondering that question, you notice the muzzle.

There is vague chatter about “nipping.” Other horses? People? Who knows? There’s a good chance that you’ll zone out here, thoughts of giant horse eyes and being tossed into a river filling your head. You probably should tune back in and get some clarity about the nipping. It’s going to be important later.

Next, a guy wearing a sleeveless shirt will tell you how to get on the horse. Left foot in the stirrup, hand on the horn of the saddle, bounce heave, swing the right leg over. Easy. You’re a natural. Then the hazing recommences.

“How does the stirrup height feel?”

Confused stare. Noncommittal sound.

“Can you stand up?”

Rear end rising slowly about 2 inches out of the saddle. “Yes?”

The sleeveless shirt man nods, a slight smirk on his face, no doubt thinking about how he’s going to tell all the horse people later at horse people happy hour how he got the 45-year-old newbie to try to stand up on the horse.

“Did you tell him under what set of circumstances he might want to stand up in the stirrups?”

“Lol, no. That’s the best part! You should’ve seen his face.”

Speaking of instructions on horse riding. You should know that there will be absolutely none. Prepare yourself accordingly. If you’re expecting some sort of instruction or basic safety training, take your old self somewhere else. This trail ride is for riders of all levels, ages 6 and up. Whether you just finished kindergarten or your first colonoscopy, you’re on your own when it comes to the horses.

There will be more hazing, though.

As you amble forth away from the stables and towards the trail in a single-file horse line, the guide will likely ask again if you have any riding experience. I won’t say the idiom (it involves beating and dead things) because it’s offensive to my community, but ironically enough, the guide seems to be doing just that with this running joke (is it a joke?).

When you reaffirm that in fact you have never ridden a horse, the guide will reply, “Oh, good. Nobody has ever ridden Redford before, so it’s the first time for both of you.”

There’s no time to parse the veracity of that claim, though, because at this point, one of the horses in front of you will stop and provide some real-life background on another horse-related idiom, this one involving racehorses. Turns out the idiom is quite apt for walking trail horses as well.

To avoid colliding with the butt of the horse in front of you while it is emptying its bladder (which apparently can hold as much liquid as Old Man Kelsey’s River), you should pull up on the reins with both hands and whisper “Whoa!” and then “Easy, boy” in a voice that is inaudible to everyone, including the horse. You don’t really want to fall off the horse or cause a six-horse pileup, but sounding like an idiot would be even more embarrassing.

In fact, it’s vital that you allow your horse to do whatever it wants. If it wants to wander off into the sea, let it. It’s better than the alternative. Saying some stupid horse phrases you’ve seen on TV. Sounding like a poser in front of the horse people is a fate worse than death.

Are there correct words to say to a horse? Probably. Will anybody let you know what those words are? Again, no.

While your horse is waiting for the line to move, if it suddenly leans forward and sticks his head between his legs like he’s feeling car sick, well, nobody knows what you should do. Pull the reins? Give him some slack? Stand up in the stirrups? Panic? It’s up to you. Do what feels right and then stare away into the middle distance while you contemplate what type of horse riding accessories you should buy online after this is over.

Or even better, buy in store. Quick heads up: It’s best to avoid shopping at any type of craft boutique for 3 to 5 days after your first horse ride. Otherwise, it’s going to be tough to walk out of the store without buying horse art for $23.53 plus tax.

When you’re riding a horse for the first time, one of the hardest skills to master is how to use your legs effectively. How do you do that? It’s a mystery. The secrets of the horse are myriad. My best guess is you should pretend you’re on the hip adductor machine at the gym and squeeze those knees like you’re trying to juice the horse.

Side note. If you have a 12-year-old who is into Noah Kahan, anytime the horses are mentioned on your horseback riding day, he’s going to say, “You mean, all them horses?” about 67 times. Every time he says it, he will have an unmistakable twinkle in his eye… as he should because that joke will never get old.

While we’re on the subject of horse humor, you’re probably wondering if saying “Why the long face?” to your horse is acceptable. Rest assured, it is A-OK. It killed with Redford each of the 11 times I used it. And it certainly lightened the mood after Redford tried to eat my foot.

If your horse is wearing a muzzle, he’s going to try to eat your foot eventually. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not because you did something wrong with your legs, even though you likely did. Turns out that’s probably what all the talk of nipping was about back at the beginning of the ride, so at least now you know something.

About 25 minutes into the trail walk, you’re going to get bored. It’s inevitable for someone like you who was born to ride with the wind in your hair. If you decide you need to dial up the thrill level from child pony ride to something closer to Belmont Stakes, go ahead and see what Redford has in the tank. However, make sure you don’t say “yahh” or “giddy up.” Neither of those works, and both are, frankly, a bit patronizing toward the horses. Try some other words or maybe use your legs?

We’ve covered a lot of ground, but you’re probably most concerned about the horse jumping into the water thing, which is understandable. Back to that. Turns out that much like horseback riding and life in general, there’s really no way to know what is real and what is psychological gamesmanship. When your group finally approaches the river area of the trail, the guide at the front of the line will shout something like, “Ok, hold on! This is where Redford usually does his cannonball!”

You’ll chuckle, a little nervously now, a sheen of sweat forming on your brow to match the one on your steed’s neck, as you notice that one faulty step to the right would likely result in you and Redford sliding down a rather precipitous slope into the muddy waters below. Luckily, your horse sometimes walks in a straight line, so it will probably be fine. Anyway, the guide is almost certainly joking around. More classic horse humor.

Right?

Right??

Forget it. Put your blinders on and revel in the moment. Let nothing dampen your love of the saddle. You were born for this.

Redford yearns for the water.

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Words by me, Andrew Knott. Best known for duck… and Baby-sitters Club.

My books:

Love’s a Disaster - contemporary fiction about a marriage proposal gone wrong, complicated families, mini-golf, second-chance love, Florida, sword fighting, and punk rock music.

Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years - essays and humor about the very early years of my parenting journey