trying to get my spark back

If you were to google “how to get out of a rut” or “how to get out of a slump”, a multitude of advice will appear, ranging from taking a long shower, making your bed, brushing your teeth. But what happens when you feel low, when you feel like you need to get your sparkle back, and are already doing all those things?

It can be disconcerting when looking okay takes over feeling okay. When you are both at the receiving end of compliments and at the end of your rope. When you are given advice that although beneficial to your appearance, negates your feelings.

In the past two months, I have had to watch family members and my closest friends deal with close calls and life changing diagnoses. I wake up everyday and go through all the motions: I make my bed, take my shower, brush my teeth, do my makeup… I do it all. Every advice that the internet reminds me to put on my check list is being ticked off. I look great. So why don’t I feel great?

We must be careful to not forget that not every part of ourselves go hand in hand. What we feel, what we think, how we look, how we react… can just as easily contradict one another as they can imitate one another. One cannot be a synonym for another.

Some of us are going through a breakup right now with the best skin they’ve had in months. Some of us are going through the loss of a pet with the brightest laugh. Some of us are going through career setbacks in the nicest apartment. Some of us are going through a turmoil of uncertainty feeling more confident in their body than ever. All of us are going through things feeling lost, joyful, hesitant, resentful, inspired, angry, amused, grateful, confused, and all of the above.

There is a sense of guilt we all feel when we do not offer the best version of ourselves to others. How ironic, when we never expect the same of others. I know with certitude that all those reading this do not expect perfection from their loved ones. So why do you expect it from yourself?

We are so quick to encourage others to take steps we ourselves hesitate to even consider.

To my friend who cannot walk, let me sit next to you. To my friend who is incapacitated by fatigue, let me rest with you. To my friend who has lost their appetite, let me cook for you, send recipes to you. To my friend who is still healing, let me encourage you. To my friend who feels heavy, let me lift your burdens away from you.

These thoughts are not unique to myself. I pour into those I love, as they pour into me. But I must remind myself to pour into myself too.

You cannot call yourself a lover when you turn yourself away from a mirror. You cannot call yourself a lover when you do not lotion your scars, oil your sunburns. You cannot call yourself a lover when you do not get yourself gifts for an important milestones, or a shitty day. You cannot call yourself a lover when you do not carry your medicine, call your doctor, make the appointment.

You cannot call yourself a lover when you do not listen to your voice. You cannot call yourself a lover when you do not read your own words. You cannot call yourself a lover when you do not give yourself time. You cannot call yourself a lover when you do not love yourself properly.

You cannot call yourself a lover if you negate or neglects yourself, in favour of some unattainable perfectionism no one asks of you.

So be a lover.

In an effort to encourage you, I will take the first step in letting you know that I will be taking some weeks away from writing, in favour of being a better lover. While I have not be religiously consistent in sending out essays every single week, this will be my first hiatus since creating this newsletter two years ago.

I will however still be present on Substack to enjoy the writing of others, as there is so much I refuse to miss out on. I have already saved a few essays to read through in the next few days, but if there is anything you would recommend I read, please let me know!

As always,

LOVE,

Anastasia

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