April is flowered in repetition. The earth becomes a child reciting a prayer it knows by heart. Green begins to fill empty field and bare branches. Everything is rose-coloured: dreams are tender, and sighs softer.
April 2026.
I had always thought that deciding to take a break would feel like stepping into a warm bath. That the days leading up to the break would be thrilling, and that the break itself would feel rewarding. If only the second had turned out as correct as the first.
Almost two years ago, I wrote about the glorification of exhaustion, arguing that,
Our culture of productivity has lead to a glorification of exhaustion. A pissing contest of who has the most on their to-do list. It seems like life is a constant question of: “What’s that gap of your CV?”
I had not expected the feeling to get that much stronger as I grew older. With age comes experience, and with experience comes certainty. At least that’s what I’ve been told time and time again. Yet, the more I think about it, the more it should be the opposite. More answers should lead to more questions. More information should lead to more digging. More experience should lead to more trials and errors.
In taking a well needed break starting this month of April, I found myself almost at a loss between nothing happening (in the “grand scheme of things”) yet everything happening (in terms of activities, plans, itineraries). I had two visits that led more to tour Copenhagen and its outskirts, and then did some travelling of my own. I discovered a new art form I’m still exploring and reconnected with an old hobby I had not had time for. And yet, in having my direction be inwards instead of upwards, it feels like I am not being as productive as I should be. It feels like I haven’t bounced back the right way, even if I have no intention to bounce back into anything right now.
So why is it that I am feeling such guilt for doing something I have intentionally taken a step back from? Am I not cool enough to enjoy a break?
In truth, our society might be a great starting point. The idea that one can balance taking a break while remaining productive is a societal obsession. Productivity is a societal obsession - one that has ruined the very idea of balance.
Leaning into the idea that we are just a small fish in a much larger pond leads us to believe that we should be constantly on the move to avoid being left behind. That what is meant for us could be quickly caught by someone else. That we are one step back away from being plucked out of the water. But if our pond truly is that big, then we should feel the possibility of being able to go in any direction, including inwards.
Things that helps me towards this mindset:
The quote “It’s everyone’s first time living”
Jean de La Fontaine’s fable “The Hare and the Tortoise”
People around me asking anything but “What’s next?” and “What are you going to do after?”
Taking the time to question my allegiance to productivity, and what I actually want to accomplish on a break, if anything
A lack of labels
Labels because it leads to the illusion that everything needs to be defined to be justified, including wasting time. Lying in bed for a while has to be called “bed rotting” now. People online are having to promote fun, promote the idea that fun is not wasted time. Why can’t it be? Why can we no longer waste our time?
Maybe I am not cool enough to enjoy a break. Maybe I am simply enjoying a break, regardless of how cool, productive, creative, smart, social I am. Maybe there are no standards for breaks, or people.
So just for fun, here are some things I’ve done during my break that would put productivity in a spiral:
I woke up at 6.30 am (as I did when working) just to have breakfast, and then went back to bed and forgot lunch
I bought a book I’ve been wanting to read on Kindle, and then bought the physical copy. I haven’t read either yet.
I worked out for an hour in the morning and sat in the same clothes for the entire day. I am meant to be leaving to see friends in ten minutes, wish me luck.
Love,
Anastasia
Hidden under a paywall:
A page of my diary that prompted this monthly essay
My writing setup
A few pictures of my travels with narration
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