I was Just Thinking...

Yes.... I know.... The last time I posted was all the way back in August. Let me assure you that was never my intention.I have started several drafts for various new posts, even completing one to the point of having my editor husband proofread it and give me feedback. His response... “Meh, it seems a bit off” I then had a friend read it, and he agreed that it was a bit disjointed. So, that post, along with all the other drafts I started have just been here on my computer collecting digital dust.

You will find this post to be different from my previous ones. It is much more about what has been on my mind and how I have been feeling than my more typical story telling. It is certainly much more personal, and possibly a bit TMI. But, I have learned over the years that when I expose myself, there are plenty of others who can relate, and sometimes benefit from what I have had to say. Do stick around… I promise to keep the story telling a core part of my writings. Also… This post is also a bit long-winded, I am sorry… hope you will stick it out… Here goes….

We are now fifteen months into our new life in Portugal, and as I have stated in the past, we still feel we made the best decision for us, and we still have zero regrets. However, having separated myself from my home country has provided me the opportunity to really spend some time looking at how and where I fit into this new life.

My Book of Life

Throughout my life, I have always viewed the circuitous course of my life as a series of volumes covering large expanses of years, often tied to major life transitions or periods spent in different cities. Within these volumes reside chapters, summarizing shorter periods involving specific people and events. Leaving the United States and building this new life in Portugal has definitely begun a new volume (the preparation for getting here being the final chapters of the previous volume entitled ‘Philadelphia’).

These early chapters in Portugal have been mostly about the experience of starting over in a world I have little understanding of. It has been in these times of making this new life that I have found myself becoming quite introspective, looking at my personal past, reflecting on some of my choices, and trying to understand just who I am. I see our first year as the first chapter, and we are now experiencing chapter two.

In the past, I have often found myself rolling my eyes a bit at those who spend much of their lives focused on the past. Like they are stuck in a timewarp, listening to the exact same music as they did in high school as if there has not been one single note of music written in the intermediary decades. Often they are living in the same town, if not the same neighborhood they grew-up in. It’s as if they are living in a perpetual state of fear about the future and by clinging to their past, they are striving for a level of comfort in what they know.

And when those occasions occur in which I find myself rolling my eyes a little bit I also have feelings of disdain and contempt for their lack of willingness to embrace change. While it is true that these feelings do come up, they do not last long. I believe these judgy feelings stem from my own history based on my own fears. Fortunately, these feelings do not last, as they are not how I feel at my core at this point in my life.

Now, I am by no means a psychologist, nor any kind of expert on the human condition, but I have a sense that for most of these people, there was some type of deep level trauma in their earlier lives. It is the very act of clinging to what they know and feel comfortable with, that they are able to cope with life and keep going.

It is safe to say that we’ve all had those moments when we are judgemental about people based on our own perceptions of who they are. I also feel it is safe to say that we have all experienced varying degrees of our own trauma from our earlier lives which has had implications, sometimes enormous implications, on who we are now, and how we became that way.

So, just because your high school friend is still listening to Blue Oyster Cult, wearing black band t-shirts, and being nostalgic about giant pocket combs to keep their feathered hair in place, I believe it is important to give them the room they need to be themselves and to not judge them. And if you do find yourself focused on why they are the way they are, perhaps some self reflection is due.

So… Why all this about judging others who seem to be stuck in the past? Because I have often been quick to apply this same logic (or rather, illogic) to myself. I find that whenever I begin digging into my past, I am simultaneously working to shut the feelings down. Like many folks, I have a life long history of trying to not feel my feelings by numbing myself in various ways.

I believe the result of many of my personal traumas early in life was that I became a deeply pessimistic person. I spent the vast majority of the first thirty plus years believing I was of no value to the world and had nothing to offer. I genuinely believed I was stupid. My self esteem was shit, I believed I would never achieve anything, and I found myself stuck repeating the same patterns over and over. In many ways very similar to that high school buddy stuck in the past. It was easier to stay in the same place, seeing it as a source of comfort, when in actuality, I was holding myself back. I was a hot mess, and for a very long time I was not willing to do anything about it.

It was a slow start, but in my mid-20’s, little by little, I began to wake up, I began to seek help. At first it was through some self-help books, then a few self-help groups, and later, as my finances improved, I sought the help of a good therapist, and then another therapist. All the while, I worked on myself. I am after all, the tortoise, not the hare. It was a long, slow, and at times quite arduous path.

The result being that I am now an optimist the majority of the time. I no longer see the glass as half-empty, but nearly always, at least half full. I have learned to be grateful for all that I have, and that has paid off. My experience has been that the more grateful I am for what I have, the more I have to be grateful for. I have an immense amount of gratitude for the ability to make Porto our new home.

But as positive a person as I have worked to become, these past few years have truly put me to test. I am still an optimist, I do still believe that the shift toward darkness and authoritarianism which has been creeping across multiple lands around the globe will fall away. But there are most definitely dark days mixed in. I still hold onto hope for the future…. I just think it will take time, perhaps a long time… Perhaps longer than I have left in this world. I hope not.

An Epiphany

Recently, on my morning walk, I was listening to a podcast which I found to be deeply impactful, transporting me back to a time in the mid-1980s. As I was listening, I suddenly had an epiphany. I realized that the feelings and emotions I have been experiencing in recent years (as the world around me feels messier and on the verge of collapse) have simultaneously taken me back into my messy and chaotic past. It is as though I am being forced on some levels to experience the familiar feelings of trauma.

Albeit the feelings are different, but not all that dissimilar to those of my past, and I am understanding how they are having a real impact on how I am seeing the world today. Granted, I am not directly suffering the traumas that so many are right now, nor am I suffering the same traumas I did as a child. But the memories are being triggered nonetheless. I spent so many of those early years blaming myself for what was happening to me. While I am certainly not blaming myself for the current situation, it still carries weight, a burden, a sense that I didn’t do enough (as though it is my responsibility).

One of the most important lessons I learned during all those years of therapy was that in addition to forgiving others for their part in my history, it was hugely important that I also forgive myself for all the things I spent year, after year, after year, blaming and beating myself up over. I am so much more than I had ever believed myself to be.

Revisiting parts of my past self has given me the opportunity to keep working on self-forgiveness in areas I have yet to do so with. I have the power to choose to continue to bury the feelings, or I can allow them to surface and work on them. I can let go of resentments or allow them to fester and hold me back. It is an ongoing process and the rewards are many if I allow myself to do the work.

Looking back, I’ve always sold myself short. I never really thought of myself as having lived an interesting life, it’s just my life as I have lived it. I’ve never been one to follow the expected path. I have always felt as though I never got the manual on how to do things the “proper way” (not that anyone else did). I just carve my own path forward. Over the years, I have been told by so many people that my life experience is absolutely not ordinary. And while I have never set out to change or influence others, it seems that I have managed to change people just by being myself.

Next steps for An American in Porto…

That brings me to a topic I brought up this past summer. In my last post (way back in August) I included a poll in the post asking you, my reader, if you had any interest in my writing about topics other than Portugal (with the following suggested topics).

• Not Blending In - I do not blend, and I never have....

• How Rocky Horror Picture Show Saved My Life

• Just who is LGBT? - I am for one, but this question provokes many more questions.

• I am a first year Gen X’er and it can be confusing.

• The Death of Gayborhoods in America

• How my ADHD Diagnosis at age 57, explained my entire life

• Life as a second class citizen in this new reality

• Hamburger Mary’s - The place to be for those in the know back in the day.

• When will I become Portuguese? (Never)

The overwhelming response was “Absolutely!”

First let me clarify that I fully intend to keep writing about my experiences with making a new life in Portugal. After all there are so many new chapters waiting to unfold, so many stories to experience, and likely be written about.

I know there is the risk of losing subscribers who couldn’t care less about my non-Portugal life experiences and reflections. But I write this Substack as much for my own benefit as for the benefit of others. It is through cathartic reflection that I grow and evolve into a better person. Who knows…. Perhaps I will grow my readership because there are others who like my writing for what it is.

So… Here’s to the next chapter of An American in Porto. Expect semi-regular content (I will try my darndest to follow through) and if you decide my writing no longer speaks to you, I won’t be upset if you move on.

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Parting Shot:

In continuation of my ongoing series of leaving you with a photo of Porto, I bring you this… I have a long history of capturing the urban environment at night… This recent shot of a neighborhood door buzzer combined with the fabulous mid-century tile reflecting the red traffic light really captures my aesthetic.