Everything I’ve seen on LinkedIn in 2026. A poem.

Only recently, I said I’d start a new weekly item on my Substack called What I’ve Seen on LinkedIn this week. Dear reader, I’ve failed on this, in case you noticed. (Please don’t tell me that you didn’t). Terribly. What I mean is there’s content that I’ve found. OMFG is there content. There’s enough content for us to talk about, laugh about and analyze for a lifetime.

Possibly so much that I got caught up in it and I couldn’t decide what to feature. So I wrote a poem for you all instead to celebrate the site that is now more “Can someone please help me get a refund the supermarket?” and less “Here’s a brilliant job going for you all because there’s so many of you looking for work!”

Hope you enjoy it.

You open up your laptop
An anxious feeling sets in
Because someone has convinced you
“You absolutely MUST be on LinkedIn!”
There’s life
There’s death
There’s everything in-between
Although these days with the algorithm screwed
You’ll really struggle to be seen
There’s men insisting
That you MUST procreate
And on the site where people know how to have a good time
The em dash is always a subject of hot debate!
There’s people appealing for organ donors
For friends, and family
I don’t blame them but also
Have you seen some posts by some HRs?
Linkedin has no empathy
It’s exclusive AI-generated gossip on the Clooney’s marriage
You won’t even see it in a magazine called Heat
10k words without one single paragraph break
Reading it won’t give you whiplash, such a treat!
Need some unsolicited advice on weight loss jabs?
Here’s an update you’d read in a mag called New Idea
Need a refund for something you bought at the local shops?
Just press post, and someone can give you a steer!
Although sometimes it’s hard to write a post
You can choose to have a prod
But whether you wrote your post with AI or without it and now have a typo
You’re off to the LinkedIn firing squad!!
And when a random guy messages you
On the site some call Linkie
You realise you were mistaken about it being ALL about having a job
Some people want just to get kinky
It’s Gumtree on steroids
It’s the community Facebook group
But on fire!
You know that this platform
Is now the top reason in life to retire
This week you appeared in another 183 searches!
They’re dying to nab you - for a job!!
But then you’d cancel your $29 a month deal with us
So we tipped them off you’re just a slob
But what Linkedin’s NOT is the new evangelical church
It’s definitely not a cult
It’s certainly not the new opioid addiction
It’s only eight hours of your day where people are nothing but humbled and thrilled
Now we’re putting up the price for the Premium subscription!
For all the FOMO I get though its still creepy
Like something from a 90s show called Snoops or another TV serial
I vow to leave before I think “WTF will I see next?”
I’m only here now for the comedy material
Yes it’s the new and improved LinkedIn!
In 2026 there’s always a quirk
It’s just a shame that the irony now is
The one thing you most need from LinkedIn you can’t bloody find
Is a thing called… work

What’s the craziest thing you’ve EVER seen on LinkedIn??? Please tell me (names will be kept anonymous).

It’s been a while since I did a comedy update, but I’m pleased to inform you that at the end of last year I did my first gig in Asia, in Bar 109 in the Wan Chai area of Hong Kong, to be more precise, during a few days there!

I won’t lie, I bombed. I’d certainly underestimated firstly how much context works, in this instance place. Despite being a global city and a former British colony, a lot of my jokes about the current situation in the UK went over people’s heads. Fair enough. Oh and I’d also just done a 12 hour flight and hadn’t rehearsed enough.

And many of the gags revolved around Wan Chai, which is apparently the red light district, but also seemed very expatty (migrant). Most of the other comedians, of which there were many, were foreigners including international teachers. Many of the jokes were also focused on expat men looking for local women, which wouldn’t have been out of place in several other places where I’ve lived, including Kampala and Phnom Penh.

While in Hong Kong, which I’ve been to a few times before, I did two other interesting things besides an open mic night which are also worth mentioning since they have links to Substack. Firstly, I met up with Substack friend Janey Rogers in person, who is just as lovely IRL. And secondly I went on a tour - some might call it “poverty tourism” tour and I’m still wondering what to make of it - called the Dark Side of Hong Kong - Kowloon Caged Homes Walking Tour, which was recommended to me by someone on here. Don’t say that Substack isn’t good for anything!

The latter was interesting, considering that it looked at the city’s broken housing market. Hong Kong is consistently ranked as the world's least affordable one. Weeks after my tour, a fire tore through an apartment complex, killing 168 people, in the deadliest blaze that had occurred in Hong Kong in decades. I may write about this later.

Having been travelling and between places a fair bit and it being the start of the year now, my open mic nights have been put on hold, but I did manage to get to a clowning workshop put on by Alicia Gonzalez, who has studied at the world-renowned Paris-based Ecole Jacques Lecoq, in Blackheath during a trip to the Blue Mountains in New South Wales.

If I were to rate this on a scale of personal terror, I would say that nine stand up gigs, including the one in Wan Chai, which I’ve now done equate to one clowning workshop. I was petrified, especially since ALL of the other participants were nothing short of amazingly talented, with a circus performer among them. It doesn’t surprise me that there’s some very clever people in the Blue Mountains, especially in Blackheath.

And some completely uninhibited people, too. At one point a woman was doing what appeared to be a sex act with a chair. I was so scared, in fact that I did not even get up once in front of the rest of the group until right at the end when I was made to do a dance off with someone else. I am the world’s most uncoordinated person. Thanks to Alicia for making sure I got my money’s worth. I got a lot out of this workshop anyway in terms of learning new exercises to bring out my creativity and playfulness and I can see how any comic performer could benefit from a clowning workshop.