Hiya Midlifers,
It feels fairly criminal that it’s already Sunday and that the specter of the work week is looming on the periphery of this day, like some Walking Dead zombie lumbering ever closer. I can feel its hot breath on the back on my neck as I try to enjoy the fleeting hours of the weekend.
The good news is that the upcoming week will be officially shortened by the July 4 holiday and — in all hopes — most colleagues will start dialing it way back after Wednesday. My older daughter arrives that day from Raleigh to spend the long weekend at the Jersey Shore with me, so I know I’m going to start mentally moving into holiday mode around then. I will knife any work zombies that pop up right in the head.
My daughter’s trip home was actually a last-minute decision, facilitated by me. We were Facetiming early last week and she told me she didn’t have any big plans for the July 4 weekend, when I suggested she come to New Jersey and may or may not have offered to pay some of her airfare.
Her younger sister had been visiting me the weekend before and we had spent a few hours on that Saturday sitting on the beach with the little brother and noticing all the Cool Cabana tents that seem to be replacing umbrellas these day. The kids know that I’m hot to buy one myself — because that’s the bougie troll I am — but couldn’t really justify the purchase. My kids are all grown and living their lives and so I no longer have a crowd to keep shaded from the sun. Nowadays it’s me, a chair, towel and sunscreen.
On the beach last Saturday, I started peppering the younger daughter with questions about her own July 4 weekend plans and hinting we could get one of those big tents and have ourselves a spread. We could go to the beach and barbecue and have a proper holiday weekend. I was pinning all those ideas to my mental Pinterest board, and it looked perfect. I couldn’t wait to share it here with all of you.
I could tell she like the sound of all those activities and was willing to go along with my vision, so that’s when I went ahead and roped in her sister. Once I got a screenshot of my daughter’s flight itinerary, I texted my younger daughter with the news.
“Just bullied Annie into coming home next weekend.”
“Cool Cabana mode activated.”
And instead of being all “Yay!,” my younger daughter was like, “What the heck?” And it wasn’t because she didn’t want to see her sister, but it was more commentary around my failure to communicate my plans and wondering where everyone was going to be sleeping with only one extra bed here. Again. I do this to my kids all the time. I get some great idea in my head, a vision board of how something should look, and then I do everything in my power to manipulate everyone around me into that perfect fantasy and then when they complain, say, “I was only trying to make it nice for you!”
Initially, when the younger daughter pushed back, I was all, “Please be a nice girl.” But I could tell she was frustrated. But it also didn’t stop me from ordering my Cool Cabana. Dream beach day unlocked.
Fast forward to this Saturday, I began the weekend as I often do at a really great Step meeting. There’s a slim book that fleshes out the 12 steps and each week, folks take turns reading whatever Step we’re on and then sharing what it brings up for them. Lots of times people share without even reading from the book, so you’ll find yourself still on, say, Step Two, for a few weeks.
Which is exactly where we were yesterday, near the end of Step Two. It’s the big intro to AA’s Higher Power and can be a tough pill for many, who don’t believe in God, to swallow. I know it was for me at first. But I really like the Higher Power — the God as we understand him — approach that AA suggests. It let me replace the scary God I grew up with, the one with lots of rules and regulations, with a super loving and accepting being. It’s what I call The Universe, for lack of a better word. I don’t really believe in all the bible stuff. I’m not big on “religion.” But I do strongly believe that there is something that connects and lives inside us all. And if we can get quiet enough, we can get a sense of what direction to move in. How to live in the flow of life.
Here’s the thing: I have historically been terrible at that. I get that vision board for the way things are supposed to be, and then I move heaven and earth to make it happen. That includes everything from marrying the wrong person, to having four kids (which included multiple miscarriages), to buying a two-door Mini Cooper. I just get something in my head and there’s no talking me out of it.
I thought about how this really applies to my recovery program. Like, being an alcoholic is so not on my perfect Pinterest board. I am really not interested in that life and yet, that life chose me. I didn’t cut a picture of a lady sitting on a metal chair in a church basement out of a magazine and glue it to a piece of poster board. I can resist it all I want but in the end, I am an alcoholic and that word can feel really scratchy and uncomfortable sometimes, like having to wear a itchy hair shirt that I can never take off.
So, I’m at this meeting yesterday, sitting on a folding metal chair in a church basement (lol), when someone reads a Step 2 passage that opens a portal in the way I understand myself, almost like it’s a video game and I just unlocked a new skill. I’ve replaced a small dagger with a sword that pokes a hole through the lens of how I see myself.
It’s a paragraph about how a lot of AA’s can be defiant, which I’ve heard before but never given it much thought because — that’s not me guys. I’m a good girl. I listen and do what people tell me to do. That’s how I’ve always seen myself, as a rule follower
The passage talks about how AAs come in having treated God like Santa Claus (I mean, who doesn’t?), asking him for all the things we want for our lives and when we don’t get them, shaking our fists at how unfair life is. Why can’t God just give us what we want? According to this step, sobriety helps us realize that we’ve been so busy telling God/The Universe what we want that we haven’t taken the time to ask what God wants for us. Instead of flying through life by the seat of our pants powered by self will, we learn to settle down and listen to what The Universe wants for us instead.
And let me tell you, having started to do that recently, it is a much softer way to live. Instead of resisting and manipulating, I’ve started to let go a little and let things happen. Who knew.
Case in point: my recent move. I can’t tell you how hard I pushed to get that beach house four years ago. The owner did not think I was financially able to afford the rent so I jumped through many hoops to change his mind. I even paid the first year’s rent up front.
And while it was nice to be able to walk the dog up to the beach every day, I put up with a lot. Like no air conditioning and having to use space heaters all winter to combat the drafty windows. And the Scariest Basement Ever™.
When I learned I had to move, I didn’t want a landlord again and wanted to buy something, despite my financial guys suggesting that renting would be a better option. But then I ran into old friends who suggested I check out the condo community they live in and I found a great three-bedroom rental that has central AC and a nice two-car garage instead of a scary basement. I even have three toilets instead of one. And it’s been a really soft place to land and, funny enough, a better venue for living more of the life I want. I’ve hosted Easter and book club and quiet dinner with friends.
So there I am, sitting at the Step meeting and thinking about all of these things, how I I have pushed and manipulated to get what I want and how it hasn’t always worked out the way I had it look so nice in my head. And how I keep putting on that scratchy hair shirt rather than just wearing my alcoholism like my cozy grey sweatsuit I put on every night after work. I take off my underwear and put on a soft bra and it is so cozy and freeing. So soft and loose against my skin.
It’s then that the word “defiance” really started to sizzle a little in my brain. I came home and wrote in my little green notebook, “Wait, I am defiant.” I had been pretending to be a good girl but really, can be a sneaky defiant troll.
I reported this revelation to my younger daughter and she was like, “Duh.” But also, she was really kind about me not understanding that until now. Like, you don’t know what you don’t know. The older I get, the more I really understand that. And the more I understand about myself, the better mom (friend, coworker, partner) I will be.
Once you strip everything off that Pinterest board, you unpin the striped cabana and the shiny trappings, underneath you’ll find that my true vision for myself is to be a solid human being. Someone who feels good about herself and in turn, makes you feel good, too.
In the meantime, my Cool Cabana arrived at my front door yesterday and I am already planning our menus for the holiday weekend. I’m thinking steaks one night and grilling pizzas another. My son and his wife will be staying about 20 minutes away and I am excited to loop them into any and all activities. But I won’t push. Vision boards are just that — visions. Suggestions for The Universe. They cannot be forced. They have to happen on their own.
I’m grateful to have children who stick with me. And a recovery program that I stick with. The willingness to see myself in new ways. To still be open to growth. To surrendering to the flow and a softer way of going through life.
On the beach. In my condo. Deep inside my heart.
Buy one for me
Guys, Clare V’s end-of-season sale ends tonight. If you have longed for one of their bags — now is the time to strike. It’s when I bought my first piece a couple of years ago. Then my kids gave me this one for Christmas. If I had my druthers, I think I’d nab this one. Or maybe this. Gah, there’s so many good things, like “Oui” sweatshirts and chunky heart earrings and fun straps to add to bags. I love it all.
*Midlifers: If you purchase some of these items, I may get compensated but it won’t affect the price you pay and of course I only recco stuff I love.
Buy this book
I went with a friend this week to celebrate the publication of a memoir by a woman who was in a group of memoirists I worked with a few years ago when writing my own book. Shanda McManus is an absolute force, whether it’s raising her five children, working on multiple books, leading writing groups or practicing medicine full time. My friend who came with me, knowing nothing about Shanda, was like, “This woman is a bad ass, you should meet her for coffee.”
Shanda’s new memoir, Brother Epistles: A Sister’s Memoir, explores in a series of letters to her brother, Monir, of her grief over his killing in a drive-by shooting when they were both in their early 20s. It’s a “heartbreaking conversation between a sister and a brother, leavened with humor, family love, and unconquerable Black joy.”
I can’t wait to read it. The audio version is coming out in July and I bet her voice and personality will only add to the experience of her story.
You can read her Substack, , or find her on Instagram.
See you next week.
xoAmy
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