Blake Lively's Reign of Terror Continues... Thank God

Between Blake Lively’s senior role in the Taylor Swift Industrial Complex, relentless girlbossing, and real gift for making interviewers and costars visibly uncomfortable—Mrs. Mint Mobile has made cultural terrorism an art form. Last year, she even helped set the domestic abuse literacy movement back 20 years with It Ends With Us (acting and producing… queen shit).

So when I saw her in full Mr. Peanut drag for the Another Simple Favor trailer, I knew she was about to make herstory once again.

Because no one else seems to be clocking the absurdity of this Amazon Prime Original, I’ve taken it upon myself to put you on. (And because I desperately need people to talk about this with.) Buckle the fuck up!

The movie opens with influencer-slash-author Anna Kendrick at a flop book signing for her latest release. The subject? The ex-bestie she helped put behind bars for killing her twin sister. At least I think that was the crime, this isn’t the kind of sequel where details really matter anyway.

Then, you-know-who struts in with a deeply questionable statement earring and a boucle jacket buttoned TO THE TOP. Blake is allegedly fresh out of prison after five years and is here to whisk Anna away for her wedding in Capri. (Insert Bridesmaids “Am I right? I mean, lesbiaaann!” joke here.)

Anna, in desperate need of content, says "you know what hell yeah” and joins Blake—now in the aforementioned suspenders and fedora—on her matte black PJ.

Saweetie voice 🎶 Let’s go 🎶.

Upon landing, Blake deplanes in a pearl-embellished white power suit (Broad City reference, iykyk) and wide brim hat. I hope you’re starting to sense the allergic-to-serving pattern here. We meet her fiancé—a mob-adjacent heir flanked by bodyguards who exclusively wear cowboy hats (???), and his mother, whom Blake seems to exclusively address as “cunt.” Love that for her, I guess! Also in attendance: her ex-husband (drunk) and their son.

Festivities kick off with a truly bizarre welcome dinner—it’s almost as if Lisa Vanderpump decorated it herself while candyflipping on ecstasy and LSD. Blake shows up in a rhinestone encrusted crop top (serving Scheana Shay if we’re keeping the SUR theme.) Then Allison Janey enters the chat as Blake’s aunt rocking a next-level facelift and Ozempic bod. She’s escorting her sister (Blake’s mom), who appears to be heavily sedated and wearing a Party City wig.

Next, we’re back at the hotel for Blake’s bachelorette party, which is just her and Anna in a moonlit pool surrounded by hundreds of candles. Like... y’all gonna kiss or what?

Cut to Blake’s ex, whose blackout shower-beer-and-jerk-sesh is stopped short by a murderous intruder. Bye bye! The police show up and do nothing, the show simply must go on.

Anna seeks piazza vibes to clear her head. There, she runs into a lady from her book event, who turns out to be an extremely ditzy FBI agent (not gonna lie, I do enjoy that trope) who’s been investigating Blake. She tries to warn Anna, but they’re interrupted by Blake’s fiancé and his bestie—who, by the way, is a member of a rival mob. Try to keep up.

The wedding ensues. Blake walks down the aisle in a gown with latex pants attached, because of course she does. Then we’re whisked off to the next over-budget set piece for the reception. Honestly, no wonder they had no money left for wigs!!!

At dinner, Blake’s new husband burns their prenup—not as an act of love for his new bride, but as a symbolic truce between rival crime families. Bitch where?? Blake's kid is also still there, reminding us that his dad literally just died mid-j/o and everyone’s over it already.

And what could possibly happen next besides the groom getting fatally shot during the fireworks finale? Exactly. Anna is immediately accused and placed under Italian house arrest, left to twiddle her thumbs in her five-star hotel room. Girl leave the country before it’s too late, have you not heard the Amanda Knox story?!

A lot goes down in the third act that I truly beg you to experience for yourself. My words can only do it so much justice…

• Blake shows up in a full mourning veil to bitch out Anna for killing her husband.

• Before fully sneaking away, Anna visits Blake’s mom in the hotel, who reveals that Blake wasn’t just a twin, but a triplet. Only the third sister died at birth. (She didn’t. Allison Janney stole her. Naturally.)

• Moments later, Allison Janney smothers wig-mom with a pillow. It be like that sometimes!

• Anna seeks solace in the piazza once again, trying to find the FBI lady for help. But Blake appears out of nowhere in full street beggar disguise and issues a fatal stab.

• Anna flees again but gets swiped by the mother-in-law. But don’t worry, she’s rescued by Blake, who finally clears up the rumors and nastiness. She wasn’t the one who killed the FBI agent. That would her long-lost sister. The third triplet. Fake Blake.

Fake Blake has been in Italy this whole time, stewing in an incestuous obsession with her sister. Her mission? Expose the fact that Blake’s fiancé was secretly 💅 and in love with his mob rival/bestie, just so she can get Blake all to herself.

Not only has Fake Blake been behind everything—she’s also been drugging and molesting Real Blake for days. A real blink-and-you-might-miss-it detail!

Anyway. In the end, Real Blake’s son knocks Allison Janney off a cliff with a drone, and Fake Blake gets bamboozled into impersonating her sister one last time—promptly getting arrested for gestures to everything above. Anna writes another best-seller. The end.