17 things that make me feel cleaner than a shower

I have a complicated relationship with showers. I love them, but only when I’m physically in them. The lead up to actually taking the shower is pure hell for me. The thought of getting undressed, starting the shower, waiting for it to get hot, and actually stepping in is usually so daunting, I skip it altogether.

Yeah, I said it: I DON’T SHOWER THAT OFTEN1. ESPECIALLY as a curly girl. True curlies only wash our hair once or twice a week and, personally, I have a very hard time taking no-hair showers (i.e. what I refer to as a “body” shower where I don’t get my hair wet). The best part of the shower for me is getting my hair wet and sitting my ass down on the shower floor to let the water beat down on me for an undetermined amount of time. That’s what a truly enjoyable shower is all about for me. Therefore, I am and always have been a big fan of whore’s baths, i.e. extra deodorant, an extra spritz of perfume, a full body wipe down with micellar water/wipes, and anything else that may come off as so fresh and so clean to the delicate nose and blind eye.

All this to say, there are so many other things in life that make me feel 100x cleaner than any “everything” shower ever could, and I felt moved to share that list with you, dear reader, today.

– Emptying out/reorganizing the fridge. When all the leftovers and rotted food are dealt with, and there’s some semblance of order (no matter how short-lived), I feel baptized.

– Absolutely nailing your lip liner and lipstick. Might as well be a virgin dressed in all white with how clean it makes me feel.

– A whore’s bath, as mentioned above (i.e., putting on two layers of deodorant and an extra spritz of your best perfume in lieu of an actual shower). When I’m scented up, I feel boots down powerful, Mama.

– Backing into the garage seamlessly or a perfectly executed parallel park. SHIT, that’s fresh.

– Getting your car washed and cleaned inside and out. Personally, I could be greasy and stinky as hell, but my dashboard being wiped down and my car floor vacuumed is as pristine as it gets.

– My own children being freshly bathed with their wet hair combed back and fresh diapers and PJs on. 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼

– Crossing things off my to-do list. That crisp ass strikeout line makes me feel things.

– My days-old dirty hair being in a slicked-back bun. Can’t explain it, but it feels cleaner than freshly washed hair to me.

– In fact, just my hair being pulled back and off my face/neck in general. I feel so much cleaner when my hair is contained.

– A MADE BED. COME ON, PEOPLE!!!

– Having a solid game of Tetris. Now that’s purity.

– A CLEAN KITCHEN. Every lick of counter wiped down, every dish put away. Hell, even the microwave and toaster oven being spotless. COT DAMN.

– Being on the couch under a blanket with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn. I feel clean enough to eat off of.

– When I nail the timing of a cook, any cook. Sure, I might smell questionable up-close but every component of our meal is ready at the same time and hot. A sanitary feat, if you ask me.

– Honestly, scrubbing the shit out of my face, putting on a thick layer of moisturizer, followed by a thicker layer of lip balm. Yeah, I haven’t showered in 5 days but I feel pure.

– When my toddler actually eats the food I offer him or my baby finishes his entire bottle down to the last drop? Can’t explain it, but I feel cleaner than any shower could ever make me feel.

– Every return and/or box/package having been dealt with and sent out. CLEANSED TO THE GODS!!!

Does that make sense? Now tell me yours.

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xox,

EGM