For the days when the clouds hang heavy

Something in the air is calling for a shift. I can feel it, and to be honest, I’m overwhelmed.

For the past two years, I have been living in a sort of limbo, post-divorce, and pre-getting my life together. The uncertainty cracked me open and released a looming cloud of fear, ancient, and powerful. The world was not safe, and no one was going to save me.

The energy of fear bound itself into a tight rock and landed deep into my chest, creating a black hole of density.

Moments like this can be transformational.

Standing in front of a reality that was much larger than myself, ready to cut me open with sharp claws and teeth, I had one moment to decide: am I going to sign off on this destructive image? Am I participating in some twisted collective attachment to demonizing life and then cursing the sky when I become a prey?

This was the voice in the background of this nightmare. Something in the back of my mind telling me “Shh…stop. Listen. It is not all as it seems.”

it.

is.

not.

all.

as.

it.

seems.

This was my way out of a black hole. Taking a moment so heavy, and paralyzing, and asking myself, is this really what’s happening, or is there something within me that needs attention? Something that has something to offer me, for this moment, if I just stop and listen.

This question moved me through months of freeze.

And I didn’t come out sprinting. I came out crawling, following a voice that my mind couldn’t trust and my heart followed like it was a mother, calling me, from a place beyond the fear.

Today I am faced with the same threshold, life once again is taking the form of an angry entity, working against me, but the difference is that I can write, I can draw, and I can see a different image forming.

A world where I trust that it’s not up to me to figure out how things will or won’t work out. My job is to reach my head up, let it touch the clouds, and find stillness in the chaos. And send my feet deep into the ground and root into the truth.

I will embody courage inspired by the seven-year-old version of myself that ran toward the unknown. The fear is not an enemy, it’s a threshold, and if we run towards it, everything changes.

I share this threshold with you, in case you can see yourself between the lines.

We can walk through this portal together.

.. . .. .

Much love,
Zulfa