the not enough ness monster

I used to treat myself to a tarot reading every year for my birthday.

It’s not often I let someone else read cards for me, my own interpretations getting in the way before the other person can explain the story laid out in pictures and symbols on the table. More often than not, my own interpretation of the spread feels more accurate than the readers’, and I end up walking away feeling annoyed.

But there is one reader I trust, who I met in 2022 in Sedona.

The last time I reached out to her was in 2024, a time marked most prevalently with insecurity and one overarching question I wanted answers to above all else..

“What should I do to avoid the mess that is about to become of my life?”

As I met with my only reader of choice, I told her the details over the phone.. i lost my job, my lease was coming due with a steep rent increase, and financial pressure was mounting.

I told her what I didn’t want, which was to put all of my stuff into storage, move in with my mom, and travel.

A week or so earlier, I had even visited my mom, and we talked about the possibility of me moving in. She was lit up with excitement, and I was adamantly against it, even though I felt the ember spark within me as well. It was a possibility, just not one my ego liked to consider.

I was in complete denial.

As Rachel looked at the cards, she encouraged me to pursue the travel path, showing all the cards associated with new beginnings and creativity, and alluding to the fact that I had already done everything I had set out to do along the path I was already on. There wasn’t any more growth here.. only death.

She told me what I had already known, but had been pretending I didn’t.

It was after this conversation that I gained the courage to reach out to my property management company, asking what would happen if I were to end my lease early.

They sent back details in what to them must have been a routine request, but even still, I panicked and deflected.

A few weeks later, my sister sent me a Zillow listing for an apartment in Philadelphia directly underneath hers.

My nervous system freaked out further. I wasn’t ready for any of it, and doubled down on a way to manifest keeping my NYC life.

But in this situation, my fears were predictive.

I was scared (I knew) I was going to leave my apartment.

I was scared (I knew) I would need to move back in with my mom, having burned my runway and financial leverage in the aftermath of leaving corporate.

I was scared (I knew) my next logical step forward was going to be moving back to Philly.

I was so scared because I knew.

My soul was trying to guide me somewhere my ego didn’t want to go.

Looking back, my only regret is that I didn’t learn how to properly work with this particular flavor of fear sooner.

I wish I would have dug even deeper into why I was so afraid of these changes instead of spending all my precious time and energy hustling as hard as I could to avoid them.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, where everything feels like it’s about to fall away and you’re trying to prevent it…

Let it go.

Let it fall.

Burn it all down.

Be honest with the people you love about what’s going on, and let them help you… sooner.

Don’t go through this alone.

Let life flow through you.

Life isn’t meant to be avoided but experienced, and in my experience, the path I didn’t want was exactly what I needed.

There are still days when it’s scary, but I remember everything I learned from getting it wrong the first time.

there are still days I look at my life and wonder what if I never made all of these changes, but when I really dig into that question, I never like the answer.

It is a privilege to grow and exapand and to stumble and fall and to make mistakes, learn from them, and make new ones.

My relationship to manifestation has changed, and instead of judging my self worth by how good my life looks, I use it as a fun cocreative process to get even more inspired and creative with how I get to live my life.

Sometimes I doomscroll.. that’s ok.

Sometimes I feel afraid.. that’s ok.

and sometimes, I am truly in awe of what I’ve created.

I’ve incorporated this experience into my private coaching- set up a call and let’s work through whatever’s been triggering the “it’s not working” voice in your head to flare up.

xoxo,

Allison