A Match Made in Heaven

I wanted to start this post off bragging about how responsible I was for putting the shoes back.

At the risk of sounding pathetic or shallow or self absorbed, the times in my life where I’ve lost it all (yes, even during my peanut butter and jelly era…) I’ve never once regretted spending money on clothing.

Even the time I dropped $4000 at trunk club in one shopping session back in my Chicago Tech Girl Era… those clothes sustained me through the tremendous loss that was the career pivot that took me 7 years to complete.

I felt like Alexis Rose (from Schitt’s Creek) wearing my Alice and Olivia dresses in Waxhaw, North Carolina, my clothing the only part of life that still resembled me when everything else had been stripped away.

I didn’t regret the $800 Stuart Weitzman boots, or the $1490 Louboutins, my closet serving as a mausoleum of who I had once been, while simultaneously becoming some sort of physical reminder that I was still very much.. that girl.

Today in Nordstrom Rack felt different. I explained it to my friend this week, my proverbial hierarchy of needs rearranging itself after financial trauma;

food, experiences, then clothes.

Before the PBJ-E, Clothing had always been my staple; my nourishment.

When all was lost, at least I had my closet. When I lied to myself about not needing to leave New York and got a storage locker, my clothing was the first thing I freed from the shrink wrapped palette in Jersey when it turned out we weren’t coming back as soon as I thought.

I still cringe about the outfits I wore to visit a boy in Ohio when all I had to wear were the random ass clothes from my mom’s house. I did kind of pull it together for the Avril Lavigne concert, though.

In recent years especially, Shoes have have come to represent an uplevel. A literal representation of stepping into the next level version of yourself.

When I bought said $1490 shoes in London, the hotel I stayed in next in Portugal (after the face rash.. iykyk, and if you don’t, hang around here for awhile and you’ll find out soon enough) had a giant stiletto in the lobby. It felt like it had been set there just for me.

I wear those shoes to every Ziggy photo shoot; I couldn’t bring myself to sell them, even when I had nothing else to my name.

“They’re one of the best purchases I’ve ever made” I said to a friend yesterday.

Even still, I spent an hour in the Nordstrom Rack today, my body physically refusing to put back the sparkly Stuart Weitzmans I couldn’t find online that just so happened to be in my size, and my size only.

They were *only* $99.97.

But I love the way I feel when I look at my bank account and see it growing.

I love how it feels to *finally* have savings again.

For these reasons, I decided against the shoes, and went to put them back on the shelf, but my body wouldn’t let me, my arms refusing to extend and put them back on the shelf, instinctually cradling the box like it was a baby.

I continued pacing the aisles so many times that I got dizzy. I tried to put them back for the next 45 minutes, making peace with the idea that they were meant for someone else.

I got in line.

“Aren’t these the cutest shoes you’ve ever seen in your life?” I asked the associate who was ringing me up.

“Eh, they’re really not my style.” He replied back.

“They’re too… glittery.”

That’s the moment I knew.

When I got home, I put them on, and filled out the 12-page guide I made “Before the Leap.” Today’s the Lion’s Gate Portal (8.8) and it has great power and potency for fueling your manifestations.

If you’re into that sort of thing, it’s free and you can grab a copy directly from my website here.

I’m also going live tomorrow on Instagram at 9am, so if you want help anchoring in your intentions and want to start your day with vibes and gel pens.. join me. On the gram

I may not be the most responsible person. I’m not the person you go to for the “practical advice” and I’m not the person you come to when you want to be realistic. But I do believe in creating a life that looks and feels so good because it is truly and uniquely you, and I wouldn’t be me if it weren’t for saying yes to myself in moments such as these.

In my formative years, I had an abusive stepparent. I distinctly remember her saying how one day, I would end up in a trailer filled with clothes, which at the time, was some sort of reference to how my prepubescent self was bad and irresponsible…. I guess she was right about the circumstances I would one day find myself in, but she was wrong about who I was capable of becoming.

I think that’s why I wavered so long. It wasn’t about the $99 or even the shoes.. it was about being brave in the face of something that I wanted.

I am so proud of who I’ve been able to become in the face of life’s greatest challenges (many self imposed by the inability to ignore my dreams) and to the disapproval of people like my ex-stepmother…

I will never be the girl who brags about not buying the shoes.

xoxo,

Allison