My soul feels like a churning ocean.
So much is stirring inside that it feels a bit overwhelming at times. I recognized this week how often I have stayed on the surface—I’m listening to good podcasts and spiritual books, but I am actually flying through them, like waterskiing over the surface while the churning continues deep in the depths. I’m not entering often enough into the present moment and the reality of my family life because my mind is off on lofty clouds. I’m avoiding the work of examining my daily choices because there are too many decisions to make, too many honest questions to ask.
I have many good things to decide about – a trip to France this week, figuring out what homeschooling looks like in the fall, what classes to take, books to order, activities to plan, preparing for a book launch, meeting with friends, planning playdates, etc. And yet, I’m overwhelmed by all the options to sift through. But isn’t that what discernment often is—choosing between two good things? I’m realizing the need to further invite God into my plans and help me refine them.
But still, that takes effort. I have things I want to write about, but no bandwidth to wrestle with the words. In my prayer, I receive the Lord’s words in Scripture, but I have yet to go to the depths to respond to them. I sense the Lord saying, “Hang in there, stay in it...be patient…soon it will be made clear.” And I must trust that things are happening even in the churning, and show up the best I can.
After a storm or a big stirring, though, things get washed up on the beach and then it is time to sift through them. There is usually plenty of seaweed along with some trash to discard, but there are also treasures, like sand dollars, coral, and seashells of all shapes and sizes.
We often can’t see what was being formed in those depths until it all gets shaken up and washed up. Sometimes it’s a matter of waiting and being patient, of giving God permission to do something deeper. Then the treasures will appear.
One treasure that’s tumbled out so far is the name of my Substack: Spirit + Bride. When I started writing on here over two years ago, it was just to have a landing place to practice writing. I needed to discover what I wanted to write about and where the Spirit was leading me. I immediately fell into the motherhood space, since my first book was about postpartum issues, but I didn’t feel called to stay there. As I began writing my second book, I saw that my deep insights into spirituality, love of Scripture, and prayer were fueling me. I become passionate when I talk about a rich prayer life and living in the Spirit, about finding grace in the married vocation and staying close to the Sacraments.
The whole goal of life is union with God, a “nuptial union,” as John Paul II called it, that the married life only foreshadows. I want to be united to the Trinity in a complete union where the Father loves me, Christ lives in me, and the Spirit works through me.
In the last chapter of the last book of the Bible, it is written, “The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come’ ” (Rev. 22:17). The book of Revelation is the apostle John’s glimpse into the heavenly throne room, the wedding feast of Christ with His Church. I want to answer that call to come and be wedded to God for eternity.
My heart is longing for this union while simultaneously wrestling with laying down my own ambitions and pride, and working to see how my vocation to marriage and family life is the way that God is calling me to this love. So in this newsletter, Spirit + Bride, I want to put into words glimpses of the blessed life of union with God. I want to continue to sort out the subtleties of the spiritual life, so that we don’t fall into the traps of extremes – of over-spiritualizing our earthly reality while also not removing the spiritual from the physical. The goal is integration of holiness within the lay vocation. My hope is to keep my eyes on the prize so we can run this race together. Thank you for joining me as I continue my monthly reflections.
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Today, my son and I embark on a trip to France. Feel free to follow along on Instagram (@allisonauth) where I plan to post pictures. It’s turning out to be a pilgrimage of sorts, so feel free to message me any prayer requests! One of the places we hope to visit is Our Lady of Pontmain, one of the five Church-approved Marian apparitions in France. I actually just wrote about Pontmain and the other lesser-known French apparitions for Catholicmom.com this month:
Three Lesser-Known Marian Apparitions and Their Significance For Today
Ineffable: Learning to Love the God Beyond Words is almost here! It will be available in September, and you can read the description at Sophia Institute. More to come soon!
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