The other day, my younger son had a meltdown over something relatively minor. I think it was something on his iPad that wasn’t working the way he wanted it to.
To be fair, when technology doesn’t behave the way you want it to, it’s annoying as fuck. But he was really really severely affected by it. Unable to cope.
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At the same time, my older son needed something dinner-related. More of this or that.
“You console Owen and I’ll help Elliot,” I ordered my husband like the dictator I can be.
After I had gotten Elliot the whatever it was and Owen was nestled against Daniel’s chest, soothed, I exhaled.
I realized that my heart had been pounding, my breathing shallow. I was shaking.
I imagined my body hooked up to one of those machines that measures stress response. I imagined the results showing that my stress response was identical to that of someone being shot at by bullets or being set on fire. Or being ordered to dance on live television which happened to me once but is a story for another day. (The newscaster hissed at me!)
The sound of my child having a meltdown is simply a stress that is too much for me to bear. Which is inconvenient since it happens literally ALL THE TIME.
On the one hand I think it’s bringing up really old stress responses in me and on the other I think parents are just wired to respond to their kid’s distress in an immediate and real way.
But lately my inability to tolerate stress in the moment, to self-regulate, has gotten bad. Bad enough that I emailed my shrink to set up an appointment to discuss beta blockers. Is that what I need?
A few more things happened that left me feeling like I’d been flambeed and I was struck, again, by how physical anxiety is.
I am someone who is very in touch with the depression I sometimes feel. And whereas depression can be physical in that it feels like something sitting on you, for me I experience primarily as a mental thing. A feeling. A mood. A sadness. A heaviness. Anxiety on the other hand, when I am aware I’m feeling it, feels like a physical affliction. A nervousness, heart racing, panicky feeling. A dread. A feeling that things could fall apart at any moment and are already starting to.
“God this sucks, I feel so bad for people who feel it all the time,” I found myself thinking, which is what I always think when I feel it.
And then it hit me that this is the exact same time of year that my mom died last year. And the cues are all the same. My mother-in-law has arrived to spend the holidays iwht us, our house is decorated for Xmas, the kids are on break from school. We might even go to the same party we went to last year on Xmas day.
Last year we were supposed to see my mom and sister’s family to celebrate xmas on the 26th. We postponed the get together because my sister’s family, who were staying at my mom’s house, were sick. And then on the 27th my immunocompromised mom woke up in a soiled bed, delirious, was rushed to the ER, tested positive for flu, had a 104.6 fever, admitted to the ICU that night and dead two days later from septic shock.
I imagine I’m a bit of a broken record on this one so apologies if you’ve been here awhile and already know this story. I guess I am still processing.
I had a night with Daniel where I just bawled my eyes out over the whole thing and it had been so long since I did that. It’s really hard for me to access the sadness and the grief. It’s like I stuffed it into a closet a year ago because there was so much that needed to get done and now it’s just leaking out in these small and less small ways.
My therapist kept talking about this time of year in a gently foreboding way. And I found myself thinking, “Yeah, I know we’re coming on the year anniversary but I don’t think it’s going to affect me that way.” Because I’m not really sad, you see.
I think I am cloaked in anger and that’s a much easier, more powerful feeling to feel.
Um, Merry Christmas?
I promise I will return soon with juicy behind-the-scenes posts. I just had to expunge this one first.
But I am working on posts that definitely feel like things I shouldn’t post. Which means either I’m on to something or people will be angry with me for nothing. Stay tuned!
Did you know I solicit product picks from my guests every week? Scotty Landes recommends this airplane hack.
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Also, are you using Rakuten? If not you are leaving money on the table when you shop online. Truly. Here’s a code.
I talked on my show recently about how I bought makeup and skincare from a few different excellent companies and when I went to return a few items the companies refunded my money but didn’t ask me to return the items. This makes me love them so much. Note: I don’t know if this is their policy always but it’s nice to know it’s truly truly 100% satisfaction guaranteed.
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