One of my favorite wedding gifts to give is beautiful stationery.
This week, I ordered two sets for my sister, Carolyn, who recently got engaged: one for her personally and one for her and her future husband to use together after they’re married.
Lest I cause mass confusion, yes, traditionally you wait until after the wedding to use your married name or monogram on stationery, but Carolyn and I are two peas in a very Type A pod, and we wanted her to have her new sets before she absolutely needed them.
Years ago, I’d given her stationery she loved, and she wanted the same style again for this new chapter, so the only question was how to personalize them.
I walked her through the traditional etiquette, including the different approaches to monograms and why I recommended having both personal and couple stationery.
Our conversation touched on a few traditions that I thought might be fun and/or helpful to share here:
Wait until after the wedding to use your married stationery. There’s nothing wrong with ordering it ahead of time, but traditionally, you wait until after the wedding to begin using stationery with your married name or monogram.
Personal stationery and couple stationery serve different purposes. Personal stationery is for notes from you alone. Couple stationery belongs to the two of you and can be used by either spouse after you’re married. It’s lovely to have both.
Only one person signs a thank-you note. Before and after the wedding, thank-you notes are signed by the person writing them—not both members of the couple. If you’re thanking someone for an engagement or shower gift, it’s thoughtful to mention your fiancé in the body of the note: “John and I are so grateful for your generosity...”
You don’t have to save every wedding thank-you note for after the honeymoon. If a wedding gift arrives before the wedding, it’s perfectly appropriate to thank the sender as soon as you’ve received it. Many couples find this makes the process far more manageable than trying to write every thank-you note after returning from their honeymoon.
If you’re taking a shared last name, a traditional married monogram places the shared surname in the center, with the woman’s first initial on the left and the man’s first initial on the right. A single family initial is another timeless option.
Carolyn understood all of that.
There was only one place where we disagreed.
She wanted to include her maiden name in parentheses before her married name on her return envelopes. I told her that, to me, parentheses feel a little too conversational for formal, gold-embossed stationery, especially if you’re not legally keeping that name. They may make sense for an email signature, LinkedIn profile, or text message, but I’d lean toward something more traditional for formal stationery.
I said my piece. We still disagreed, and I ordered exactly what she wanted anyway, because it’s ultimately not my stationery.
And I realized that’s exactly what etiquette should look like.
My job wasn’t to convince my sister that my preference was objectively better. It was to explain the traditions, answer her questions with kindness and clarity, and ultimately respect what she wanted.
That’s one of the things I love most about studying etiquette.
The goal isn’t to collect obscure rules or catch someone making a mistake. It’s to preserve traditions worth knowing, explain them generously, and leave room for thoughtful people to make thoughtful choices.
Sometimes they’ll choose exactly what tradition recommends. Sometimes they’ll choose something else.
And for the friends and family who will receive the most beautiful stationery with parenthesis on the envelope roughly a year from now, I hope it makes you smile.
I recently was live on Fox & Friends to chat about dining etiquette, and also joined The 700 Club live on the Christian Broadcast Network for a feature segment on my book, Was It Something I Said?
You can also get caught up on my Ask Alison column in Evie Magazine here.
Q: I'm staying overnight soon at the home of friends who are much wealthier than I am. What do you give someone who already seems to have everything?
A: The good news is that hospitality isn’t a gift exchange. You don’t need to spend more because your hosts have more.
The best host gifts aren’t necessarily expensive; they’re thoughtful. Think about what would genuinely bring a little joy to their home or help them enjoy their space after your stay.
A few ideas I love:
A beautiful coffee table book tailored to one of their interests
Fresh, organic fruit that’s in season from a local market
A specialty food or drink they might enjoy
A beautiful candle or home fragrance
Fresh flowers
A gift certificate to a favorite local restaurant or a spa
Most gracious hosts won’t remember what you spent. They’ll remember that you gave something chosen especially for them.
If you have a question for a future Answering for a Friend segment or my Ask Alison column, please email info@elevateetiquette.com.
For more writing like this, my modern etiquette guide, Was it Something I Said?, is on sale wherever books are sold.
With love,
Alison
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