The People Everyone Loves to Be Around

When I teach etiquette seminars, I often ask participants to think about the people in their lives who have that special something.

The friend you could place at any table, at any wedding, in any city, and they would have a wonderful time—and so would everyone around them.

They aren't necessarily the funniest person in the room. They aren't always the most accomplished, the wealthiest, or the most connected. They may possess all of those qualities, but that isn't what people remember most about them.

They possess that elusive quality the French call je ne sais quoi.

Another way to think about it is this: Who makes you feel as though you’re the only person in the room?

Many people said this about Mother Teresa. Others said it about television personality Fred Rogers, musical performing artist Dolly Parton, Princess Diana, and various political leaders. Despite the demands on their time and attention, those who met them often walked away feeling seen, heard, and valued.

Fortunately, this quality is not reserved for saints, world leaders, or the naturally charismatic. It is often the result of a handful of habits—small choices that make a big difference in how others experience us. Here are five habits of highly charismatic people that you might consider incorporating:

The people everyone loves to be around don’t feel the need to prove themselves in every conversation.

They can listen to someone describe their finished kitchen renovation without interrupting and suggesting what they should do differently next time.

They understand that not every conversation is an opportunity to demonstrate knowledge. Sometimes the most generous thing you can do is let someone else have the floor.

Of course, they notice when the weather is dreadful, the flight is delayed, or the restaurant is crowded.

They simply don’t make those things the main event.

Being pleasant isn’t pretending everything is perfect. It’s recognizing that every gathering, dinner, meeting, and vacation contains the possibility of inconveniences and choosing not to make them everyone else’s problem.

People are naturally drawn to those who make situations feel lighter, not heavier.

One of the simplest ways to make people feel welcome is to connect them to others.

The best hosts, colleagues, and friends don’t wait for introductions to happen organically. They create them.

“Emma, have you met Catherine? You're both serious readers, and I have a feeling you'll leave tonight with several great book recommendations."

A thoughtful introduction gives people a bridge to cross together. It transforms strangers into conversation partners.

The most socially skilled people understand that making introductions is not merely polite. It is an act of hospitality.

The most memorable people rarely assume appreciation is understood. They express it.

It’s the speaker who begins by thanking the organizers and acknowledging everyone who made the event possible.

It’s the dinner guest who notices the effort behind the meal.

It’s the colleague who recognizes the person working quietly behind the scenes.

Gratitude has a remarkable way of making everyone around us feel valued. The people everyone loves to be around know this, and they practice it regularly.

When someone tells them about a recent trip to Italy, they don’t immediately pivot to their own.

Instead, they ask another question.

What was your favorite part?

What surprised you?

Would you go back?

Their curiosity is genuine because their focus is outward.

One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is our attention. Curiosity communicates, “For this moment, your story matters.”

And people never forget how that feels.

The people with je ne sais quoi often appear effortless, but when you look closely, their magic isn’t mysterious at all.

They make people feel welcome, interesting, and appreciated.

And in a world where so many people are focused on being noticed, they have mastered something far more powerful: They notice others.

I was interviewed by White House Correspondent Mary Margaret Olohan for The Catholic Herald on the moral case for good manners. You can watch the full episode here on YouTube or listen wherever you listen to podcasts.

You can also find my insights on etiquette today in the latest print edition of Town & Country Magazine in an article by Joel Stein and read a digital version here.

You can get caught up on my Ask Alison column in Evie Magazine here.

Q: My son recently graduated from high school and has been invited to several graduation parties. It got me wondering: Should he be bringing a host gift when he's invited to someone's home, or is that something we don't expect from teenagers?

A: In this case, I wouldn’t worry about a host gift.

When a gathering is held in honor of someone—a graduation party, birthday party, bridal shower, baby shower, or retirement celebration—the focus is on the guest of honor. A card, gift, or thoughtful gesture for the graduate is all that’s expected.

Could you also bring something for the host? Certainly. It would be kind, but it isn’t necessary.

I find it helpful to think about where my attention, generosity, and resources are best directed. At a graduation party, they belong with the graduate and the milestone being celebrated. A warm thank-you to the host is more than sufficient.

If you have a question for a future Answering for a Friend segment or my Ask Alison column, please email info@elevateetiquette.com.

For more writing like this, my modern etiquette guide, Was it Something I Said?, is on sale wherever books are sold.

With love,

Alison