This week, I had the pleasure of speaking at an event in Washington, D.C., co-sponsored by several Midwestern state societies. The topic was “Midwest Nice” and navigating life in a city where professional accomplishments can appear in conversations remarkably early and often.
As we talked about networking, introductions, and building relationships, one theme kept resurfacing:
How do you talk about yourself without sounding self-important?
It’s a question I hear often, particularly from women.
Most of us don’t want to monopolize a conversation. We don’t want to come across as boastful. We don’t want to make every interaction about ourselves.
But there is a difference between humility and invisibility.
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1. Answer the Question — Then Create Space for Someone Else
When someone asks about your work, your background, your family, your hobbies, or what you’ve been up to lately, answer the question that was actually asked.
Many of us either give a one-word answer or a twenty-minute autobiography.
Neither is ideal.
Share enough to move the conversation forward, then invite the other person into it.
The best conversations feel less like a presentation and more like a shared exchange.
2. Share Information, Not Interpretation
There is a difference between sharing a fact and telling people what they should think about that fact.
For example:
“I was promoted earlier this year.”
is different from
“I’m one of the top performers on my team.”
One is information. The other is self-evaluation.
Whenever possible, share the information and let others draw their own conclusions.
3. Don’t Be Afraid to Be Excited
Have you ever noticed how often women receive conflicting advice?
We’re told to be confident, but not too confident. Ambitious, but not too ambitious. Passionate, but not too passionate.
And somewhere along the way, many of us start to worry that visible excitement will make us seem inexperienced.
Have you ever hesitated to use an exclamation point in an email? Or toned down your enthusiasm because you didn’t want to appear naïve, overly eager, or less professional?
There is a meaningful difference between self-congratulation and genuine enthusiasm.
One of the most gracious ways to talk about yourself is simply to share what you’re excited about. Not because you’re trying to impress anyone, but because you genuinely care.
People are often far more receptive to:
“I’m really excited about a new project I’m working on.”
than they are to a list of accomplishments.
Enthusiasm is contagious. It invites people into the story.
And contrary to what some people might tell you, excitement is not evidence of inexperience. Sometimes it’s evidence that you still care.
4. Give Credit Generously
One of the easiest ways to talk about yourself without sounding self-important is to acknowledge the mentors, teachers, colleagues, friends, family members, and supporters who helped you along the way.
Success stories are almost never solo stories.
5. Stop Minimizing Yourself Before Anyone Else Can
Many of us have a habit of shrinking our accomplishments before we’ve even finished sharing them.
“I was only...”
“It’s really not a big deal.”
“I probably just got lucky.”
“This isn’t very impressive, but...”
You don’t need to exaggerate your accomplishments.
You also don’t need to apologize for them.
Allow other people to decide what is noteworthy.
6. Be Interested, Not Just Interesting
The people we favorably remember most are rarely the ones who talked about themselves the most. They’re the people who made us feel seen, heard, and valued.
Yes, share your story. Answer questions honestly. Talk about what you’re building, learning, or working toward. Let people get to know you.
But remember that every person you meet is carrying around a lifetime of experiences, challenges, interests, and dreams of their own. Genuine curiosity is one of the most attractive qualities a person can possess.
The goal isn’t to avoid talking about yourself. The goal is to make sure you’re equally interested in learning about everyone else.
That’s the balance.
Humility isn’t pretending you have nothing to offer.
It’s remembering that everyone else has something to offer, too.
In Case You Missed It
I was featured in the latest print edition of Town & Country Magazine in an article titled “Is Mean the New Peptide?” by Joel Stein. You can read a digital version here.
I was also interviewed for this Newsweek piece on airplane etiquette and the foods to avoid in the name of passenger politeness, and also I joined NTD News’ Tiffany Meier Tonight live to share about the hosting faux pas to avoid this summer. Here’s a link to that interview.
You can get caught up on my Ask Alison column in Evie Magazine here.
Answering for a Friend
Q: I’m going to dinner with a former boss who I know intends to pay. I recently graduated from law school and started a job in DC where I’m not allowed to accept gifts because of ethics rules. What’s the best and most polite way to handle this?
A: Etiquette should never require you to violate an ethics rule. Rather than waiting until the check arrives, I’d address it early and graciously:
“I’m really looking forward to catching up. One quick note: because of my new position, I’m not able to accept meals as gifts. I’d love to join you, but I will need to cover my own dinner.”
Most people will understand immediately. The key is to be warm, appreciative, and clear.
If you have a question for a future Answering for a Friend segment or my Ask Alison column, please email info@elevateetiquette.com.
For more writing like this, my modern etiquette guide, Was it Something I Said?, is on sale wherever books are sold.
With love,
Alison
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