Issue #112: Everything I Thought I Was Missing Was Right Here the Whole Time

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One hundred days ago, I looked in the mirror, and I didn’t like what I saw.

The pudge from giving birth almost 7 years ago that made me feel so uncomfortable and insecure. My puffy face from all of the sodium and sugar that I consume on a daily basis. The permanent look of exhaustion around my eyes.

And then there was my mental state.

I was excited to dive into a new year after 2025 kicked my ass, but I was also anxious about this year possibly turning out to be like the last two. I felt like I had something to prove. And not to myself, but to others. I felt like I had to prove that I was ok, that I had it all together, and that despite what I had gone through, I was going to make it! I wore vulnerability like a badge of honor, sharing my hurt and thoughts on healing and navigating through divorce. But to be honest with you, I was wearing a mask.

You see, I wasn’t ok.

I was in the thick of really facing the fact that my life was not going to turn out how I had planned. I was exhausted from becoming a single mom and also my mom’s caregiver. I struggled mentally with figuring out who I was becoming while also dealing with the grief of who I’d allowed myself to be.

And I was trying to numb it all through showing up with a smile on my face, telling myself I was fine, and putting my heart into people who were not ready to receive it.

While I was a lot happier than I had been in years, navigating through the messy middle wore me out.

So 100 days ago, I decided to consistently pour into myself. For the first 100 days of 2026, I would commit to moving my body, praying, and journaling every single day. There was no end goal at first, but it didn’t take long for God to show me that this challenge that I had given myself was really about reconnecting with him and becoming the woman that He wanted me to be.

I knew within a couple of weeks that I wanted to come out of this feeling whole, worthy, and just overall confident in myself and this sharp pivot that my life had taken.

And 100 days later, while I can say that I still have a long way to go, my life has absolutely changed for the better.

I am stronger than I have ever been. It was never about the weight (I have yet to step on a scale), but I wanted to feel good in my body. The body that endured a major surgery in my 20s, childbirth in my 30s, and the overall weight of depression. I walked daily, lifted heavy, and recommitted to a toxic relationship with mat pilates.

And you know what? I not only look and feel better than I ever have, but I have found a new appreciation for the scar that I’ve always despised and the stretch marks that I’ve always covered up. This body has continued to show up for me, no matter how much I neglected it, and it was time to give it the love that it deserved.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to explain the mental strength that I’ve gained through this journey. But dare I say that I no longer give a damn? There are still parts of me that feel like I have something to prove. And I still struggle with putting so much weight on what other people may think about me, but for the most part, I am completely unbothered. I no longer have the energy to give to outside validation.

Back in my 20s, I was the type of person who believed that I could have whatever I wanted. But over the years, the more experience I gained, the more disappointments I collected. And with each heartbreak, I became smaller and smaller and smaller. To the point where I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore.

But I truly believe that 22-year-old me would love the woman I am now. I am so sure in what I want in life, in love, and in my career. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will have what I desire. And if I don’t get it, that just means it was never for me in the first place, and that’s ok.

I have hobbies that I’m exploring just for the plot, I’m more open to sharing my personality outside of my friend group, and I’m no longer trying to fit who I am into a box.

God, I love this life. And I finally love myself.

So if I come off as someone who is completely obsessed with themself, it’s because I am. You have no clue what it took for me to get here.

Two years ago, I didn’t want to exist. I truly felt like this world, my family, my baby, would be better off without me in the state that I was in.

But I’m so glad God kept me. I’m thankful for that day when I audibly heard him say, “There is so much more that I want for you.” And I am so glad that I listened.

This 100-day journey was so much more than an act of discipline for me. It was about coming home to myself, loving myself, and trusting myself.

I am not weak like I was made to believe. Nor am I an inconvenience or a burden.

I am loved deeply, admired, resilient af, and an overall bad bitch.

Sure, I still make mistakes. I’m still actively learning how to respond to certain situations with logic instead of emotions, and I still wear my heart on my sleeve. But I will continue to do the work to make sure that the love I have for myself is never taken away from me again.

I even think I’ll extend the clock to 150 days…for the plot.

Thank you for being here.

xo, Alisha