Hello My Friend,
We spent lots of time with family this summer, which was such a gift. And yet as I reflected on all the fun times we had together, I realized we also faced our fair share of conflict.
Nothing earth-shattering. Mostly the kinds of tensions, misunderstandings and hurt feelings that can arise when people who love each other are suddenly staying under the same roof. The kinds of things that are easy enough to brush under the rug, move past quickly, or convince ourselves aren’t worth bringing up.
But in a couple of instances, we chose instead to have courageous conversations.
And I was reminded again of something I know, but sometimes need to relearn: conflict can actually lead to deeper connection.
It rarely feels that way in the moment.
Having a difficult conversation can feel uncomfortable. It can feel like we are ‘rocking the boat’ when perhaps it would be easier simply to keep the peace. We may have to hear things that are difficult to hear. Our feelings or our pride may get bruised. We may have to admit that we have hurt someone, even when we never intended to.
But when we are willing to stay in the conversation—to listen, to seek understanding, to own our part and to make changes where changes are needed—something beautiful can happen on the other side.
There can be:
greater understanding.
a deeper appreciation for one another.
a greater level of authenticity and honesty.
forgiveness and repair.
And sometimes the relationship that emerges is actually stronger than it was before the conflict began.
I wonder if sometimes we have an unspoken idea that a healthy Christian family should be relatively conflict-free. If we are doing family life well, surely everyone should be getting along.
But conflict is part of life.
Put imperfect people together under one roof—or around one holiday table—and eventually something is going to rub.
The picture of a healthy Christian home is not a home in which conflict never happens. Rather, it is a home in which people are learning what to do when it does.
Scripture tells us:
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Romans 12:18
I love the realism of that verse. Peace does not always depend entirely upon us. Relationships are complicated, and reconciliation sometimes requires the willingness of another person too.
But there is always a part that does depend upon us.
We can choose humility.
We can listen.
We can apologize.
We can forgive.
We can refuse to keep score.
We can take the first step toward repair.
It is not easy. But it is always worth it.
As followers of Jesus, we have received reconciliation through Christ, and Paul says that God has entrusted to us a “ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18). And surely one of the first places we get to practice that ministry is right inside our own homes.
Our families can become training grounds for peacemaking.
This is something I especially want our children to learn.
I don’t want them to believe that strong relationships are relationships in which people never disagree or hurt one another. I want them to know that strong relationships are ones in which people learn how to come back together.
There is something incredibly secure about knowing:
Even when we disagree, I still belong here.
Even when I make a mistake, we can work through it.
Even when feelings get hurt, we will seek repair.
Even when things become uncomfortable, we are not going to give up on one another.
We cannot promise our children a conflict-free home. Nor should that be the goal.
But we can seek to give them a home in which repair is normal.
A home where “I was wrong” is not a frightening thing to say.
A home where “Will you forgive me?” is heard often.
A home where people are allowed to express hurt.
A home where listening matters more than winning.
A home where forgiveness does not mean pretending something didn’t matter, but choosing—with God’s help—to move toward one another again.
Perhaps it is worth pausing to consider:
What kind of culture are we creating in our family when it comes to conflict?
When tension arises, does your family tend to avoid it, brush it aside or quietly hold onto hurt—or are you learning how to move toward one another and talk about what is hard?
Do our children know that conflict does not threaten their belonging?
Do they have the security of knowing that even when relationships become strained, your family will seek a way back to one another?
Is there any repair that needs to happen in your family or community right now?
Is there a conversation you have been avoiding, an apology that needs to be offered, forgiveness that needs to be extended, or a first step toward peace that is yours to take?
And perhaps most importantly:
What are our children learning from the way they see us handle conflict?
Gulp. It’s a humbling thought. But it’s also something that we can’t deny impacts the way our children will approach conflict. None of us are perfect. We are all growing and learning. Let us be parents who continue to strive to ‘grow up’ into our salvation, alongside our children.
When we learn to walk through conflict well, we are reflecting something of the larger story of the gospel. God does not abandon us in our failure, but meets us with grace and makes a way for reconciliation.
May our homes be places where we do not fear conflict or pretend it isn’t there, but where, with the Holy Spirit’s power, we learn again and again how to live out the gospel by pursuing peace, practicing forgiveness and finding our way back to one another. Again and again.
From My Heart and Home of Glory to Yours,
Ali
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Homes of Glory provides biblical encouragement & practical tips to help families stay grounded and growing in Jesus Christ.
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