#09 - I am Still Here

Dear Friend,

A lot has happened since I last wrote to you. I have missed writing to you; my thoughts have been all over the place the past few weeks. I am stuck trying to find which parts of the last few weeks I want to tell you about – this is probably a very flimsy reason as to why I have not written to you. I am trying to be kinder to myself, but it proves continually difficult to do if I give myself one simple task – write to you on the weekends – and I cannot accomplish even that. Puts my entire life into perspective. I think.

Malik tweeted earlier in the week about how his favourite podcaster never acknowledges their absence after long hiatuses. I would hate that anyone for whom I am - unfortunately, and perhaps accidentally – their fave, would assume that I do not take their time seriously. I think. So, this is me acknowledging my absence. Life is unbelievably difficult for me right now.  

And all these sorrows I have seen // They lead me to believe that everything's a mess…  I hate when I am unable to describe how I am feeling. As someone who has always been confident in self-expression, even though I always choose to remain silent, it often leaves me feeling very helpless. I wonder if you ever feel this way too, or if this is just one of those things that I fear I might never be able to get people to understand. On days like this, I curse introspection and self-awareness. I wanna dream // leave me to dream…

A couple of letters ago, I asked you why you drank - if you drank that is. I was to take a break from alcohol today for one week, starting this morning. The time is 19:00; I have just finished calling my friends to let them know I have no shame. There is something about the warmth of alcohol as it passes my chest, and the lightness in my head, that makes my reality slightly more bearable. I am in awe of you, who chooses to face life head-on, sober; I am sorry that I am not sorry.

It can be hard It can be so hard // But you gotta live right now… I hate that life is a thing you have to go through alone. Yes, I know I am surrounded by friends like you who listen to me go on and on, friends who care about my day to day but life is such a terribly lonely affair. I find myself searching for something, anything that makes me forget that fact. My brother is home now; I am not living alone anymore.  However, if anything, everything is harder now.

The thing with loneliness, I find, is how pervasive it is. Like pain, it demands to be felt. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it: in the midst of friends at a party, at work while the Excel sheet is acting up, when you see your ex for the first time in two years. Then, just like that, it is gone: a smile from a friend, a call from an old classmate, a warm hug from one of your favourite people. It often leaves me reeling; I am not a fan of hide-and-seek, particularly when playing against someone who is so good at hiding.

I love Bojack Horseman; I get that quite a number of people hold that the show gets dark, often. I find that one of the problems I have, with the kind of day I am having where I cannot explain how I am feeling, is that I am always blindsided when someone asks me how I am really doing and then does not buy my ‘I am fine’. I am either left secretly pleading that the person manages the answer or mumbling something incoherent as I try to ‘work my way to the answer’. It is never a pretty sight. I usually take the Bojack route; fewer questions, no oversharing.

•ikujinashi•@TheOsondu

mood:

8:17 PM · Sep 18, 2021

1 Like

I always imagined – while I was doing everything other than writing to you – that when I eventually decided to write you that this would be a rather long letter. It seems, however, that my need to bridge this emptiness is not met by capacity for expression tonight; I am left wishing that this letter finds you in a better place than I am at the moment. A little lighter. I am left wishing that today feels a little easier than yesterday was, and a preview of how much better tomorrow will be.

I am still here. If I had to guess, that is why I decided to write to you today. To let you know that life is hard, but I am still here. Whatever that means, whatever that is worth.

It comes and goes in waves… I am asking myself, more pleading if I were being honest, for one more concerted push. One last hurrah. I do not how this will go. I want to say that it cannot get any worse but I am not particularly hopeful – the year I have had and nigeria being nigeria; hope and I have a frosty relationship.

Regardless, Monday (Sunday, if you believe a new week starts on the ‘weekend’ smh) starts a new week that has never been touched. To quote Guzmin that is, from perchance my favourite episode of Modern Love. (Season Two is official, yay!).

So, let’s have a good week, friend! Rooting for you always, still.

Signing off to Cradles by Sub Urban

“it’s hard to breathe, but that’s alright

 hush”

Sine Cera

Osondu

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