#07 - On Nostalgia and Growth

Dear Friend,

It is easy to get swept up in main character syndrome. After all, we are not privy to any other person’s thoughts, motives, and backstories. We have all that information on ourselves though, sometimes a little too much, a little too overwhelming. I can understand it.

I reckon it happens to me more often than I would like to admit. Since I wrote you last, friend, it seems like I have been knee-deep in one of those episodes of my main character syndrome. To be fair, or more honestly – in my meagre defence, it seemed like the universe was after me. On one day, I misplaced my house key; broke into my house – unplanned expense- to find myself out of light; and had the gas finish while I was struggling to make my only meal of the day – oatmeal. I was just like…

I wonder if that is why I really enjoyed reading Happy Wanderer by Ekene here. I often find myself wishing I were just a side character. That character in that show who is always just there, just chill, content. I do not think that is possible though. To be that, to me, is to be like Jerry from Rick and Morty which is too late now, and I can not pretend for long enough like Mr. Peanutbutter. I will return to Ekene’s essay again.

I have been reading Artemis Fowl; the books are still as captivating as I remember. I find myself conjuring up images of Holly, Artemis, or Butler on days when I am lost; I had forgotten how to do that. I am also entertaining the thought of returning to my podcast, especially as I am reading the One Piece (this anime/manga is divinity) manga from the beginning again. I want to be excited but that usually always ends in disappointment for me. It also does not help that it still feels like something is missing - like everything is all hollow. I do not know.

Wake me Up When September Ends is intruding my thoughts as I write this. I am suddenly plagued by memories of copying the lyrics of this song from AZ Lyrics in the computer room while in secondary school. Nothing is the same; everything has changed. So, why do I feel like I am still the same? The only difference between me that copied those lyrics down and the one writing this letter now is that the freedom I so desperately sought back then is overwhelming me. It feels like I am not ready.

The thing with having so much information about ourselves is that, while others may say we do not have objective images of ourselves, we are the only ones that have been with ourselves since the very beginning. From the very instant I became self-aware, I have been with myself, by myself. People have come and gone, but I am still here. Would it not be better to trust this perchance “subjective” image of myself than this objective image of me that other people – transient by nature – might have of me? I guess this is me just trying to acknowledge that I am scared that I am going to fail this exam in a few weeks. There. Problem half solved. I guess the other half is trying to prepare for it despite this fear. Toh.

The problem, I find, with nostalgia is that dwell in it long enough and soon you will begin questioning your growth. I found myself trapped (paused here to dance to the intro of A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton - those strings slap) in numerous nostalgic episodes these past days. It is how I have come to be once again reminded of how my life is slightly worse off than it was then. I am however grateful for the happy memories that come along with these. There was a time that was simpler. Whatever consolation that is.

I figure that is why I love watching dramas, romance, and dark comedies. The growth is always there to see. At the end of the shows, their lives as I know it, the growth will be complete. It might not end with them happier for it, but there will be an acknowledgment of it, a quiet uncomfortable, sometimes painful, gratitude for it - think Normal People, Wolf Children. If it does end with them happier for it, then I am usually watching from behind a huge smile and teary eyes - think It’s Okay Not to Be Okay, About Time. The growth is transformative. The growth is a certainty.

With the way my life is shaping up, I can not help but feeling that this main character might be the exception to an existence long trope that demands growth from everything, least of all the main character. I worry. For myself, and for others that might feel burdened by me if I continue to show no ‘growth’. I guess I can admit that I am mildly curious to see how this particular story will end.

I have work in a few hours so I guess I must try to round this off. I hope you are better than yesterday, a little lighter. It is alright if you get exhausted, or feel overwhelmed sometimes. You can take a break and breathe. The world will still be there after your break. I am rooting for you.

The song I am signing off with this morning (12:30 am) is perhaps the perfect song for me to end a letter to you on nostalgia, friend. I am smiling, and equal parts cringing as I write this. A song that reminds me of young love and to old friends.

I must not spend too long in this memory, lol.

Have a lovely week and a productive August!

Signing off to Crush by David Archuletta

“Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be…”

Sine Cera

Osondu

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