#05 - Let's Do a Workout!

Dear Friend,

One thing I have lost tolerance for as my days have passed is physical activity. The whole thing just seems so bloody unnecessary. We are going to die any fucking way. The mere thought of it annoys me. Why am I making my heartbeat this fast on purpose? Running, jumping, walking – unavoidable now though, I am poor, they all seem like so much effort for so little reward. I know this might pass me off as lazy to you, friend, and you know what? That is fine. Living is hard; I selectively participate.

The past week was a battle with my body. Fought through some initial discomfort to get to work on Monday morning only to be floored by mid-afternoon with a fever. My back pain danced the fine line between pleasure and pain. A dance rendered so well that the need for an anodyne seemed irrational. I have turned to some form of back exercises, running, and even skipping. I am losing.

I did not always hate physical activity. In fact, I was rather active even if average in all sports. I tried rugby and cricket; played my fair share of basketball and football games; high jump, triple jump, ran hurdles. I had my highs – medals in the jumps, a wicket, one great cross, and a handful of monkey post goals; I had my lows – days where my mediocrity would slam me so hard in my face, I would skip practice. I guess one day the highs became too infrequent and not worth it – the joy of just playing no longer enough. I became indifferent. My indifference became disgust, became allergic.

On days like the ones just passed, I actually do consider working out, being fit, the whole shebang. The universe sends me videos of what you guys be doing for workouts these days and I feel myself pause: Why? Who the fuck did I kill? I start though, I always do. The issue is with commitment, my friend. After one day of 20 excruciating Pilates Ab Crunch and skipping 1000 times, why do I not have a flat stomach? I get that abs is too much for day one.

I finished reading the Haikyuu manga this week. The irony that I would turn to a sports manga for succour while vehemently opposing the principle on which it stands. When Tsukishima asks, why they all put in so much effort for something that is just a “club”, Bokuto responds that there will be a moment that occurs to you and you would be hooked on the sport. I never had that moment. Tsukishima did (Haikyuu S03E04: The Halo Around the Moon) and delivered some spectacularly consistent blocking along the way. I wonder if it is wrong to give up if that moment does not come. I wonder if this was/is childish of me.

Kita Shinsuke - 3rd year Wing Spiker and former captain of Inarizaki High - said that results are just a by-product, that the repeated dedication to a thing and the effort is what matters in the end. It is easy to cling to this when one is losing, I think. When I say that to myself after struggling through my measly one-mile run or panting the entire set of my reverse lunges, it is easy to believe it. Next week though, if my back does not even feel the slightest bit better, I will most likely stop and just fuck it.

After the week I have had, I mean it, even more, when I write that I hope you are better than yesterday, a little lighter. Good health is often taken for granted. I remember when I was warned against slouching in JS1, that I would get back pain. I hate the heady arrogance that comes with being a teenager. In hindsight, why did I not fucking listen?

I am looking forward to tonight when I can take my Sirdalud. There is not much pain then, or discomforting pleasure and sleep comes easy. Until then, I will continue listening to the Nike Run Club playlist on Spotify and visualizing myself on a leisurely 5-mile run. That is more my speed. You are probably an athletic, active individual and my commitment to selective participation might irk you. I would apologize but we both know, friend, that I will not mean it.

I just hate that I turned 18 this year and I have to deal with 30+ back problems. Why does life happen to good people?

It is nice to know I am not alone, I guess. The theme of today is “I can’t”.

Signing off to Live to Survive by MØ:

“I live to survive another mistake

I live to survive another heartache

I live to survive”

Sine Cera

Osondu

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