Feeling tossed in a maelstrom of do-loops of news cycles (especially violent this past week, don’t you think?), and to-do lists that don’t shrink, and wish I could “do-overs,” I reached for a tool I learned somewhere along the way. Humility.
Humility gets a bad rap as a self-deprecating weakness, or worse, it is confused with ‘humiliation,’ which has as much relation as a turnip does to a tapir. The unpretentiousness and modesty of one does not fit the definition of the shame and disgrace of the other. I have often thought it is unfortunate the words have the same roots.
With this distinction made, what is humility, how is it an asset, and how do we become more humble?
I think of humility as the way we manage ego. Not so much in the sense of Sigmund Freud’s Ego (I cannot speak intelligently to that), but as our conscious sense of ourselves. Our self-image. I think of this self-image as being on a flexible string that we let out and wind in, consciously and intentionally, as we learn through the actions I will describe later. Humility requires us to have a realistic self-awareness. To recognize our strengths without embellishment and own up to our limitations without shame. We are open to learning. We accept we cannot know everything and that knowledge can come from anyone and anywhere. We see and value all people’s dignity, respecting them, and not placing ourselves above them. And we forgo ego-driven comparisons.
These are all fine qualities to have, but how do they make our lives any better/happier/more productive/more satisfying? Add your own superlative. What, Alice, do I get out of this extra effort of willfully reeling my ego up and down like a yo-yo?
With practice (and it takes practice) it does not work like that. It becomes smooth. Less conscious, even, because we want to act to build trust and connection. We observe that if we stop trying to dominate conversations, people are drawn to us. They listen to us more. And that feels good. We admit mistakes instead of berating ourselves, and we grow from those mistakes and that admission. We don’t melt on the spot like Oz’s water-drenched Wicked Witch of the West. Instead, we learn faster and learn to adapt quicker. Humble leaders inspire loyalty because they elevate others rather than seek the spotlight for themselves. Paradoxically, this makes them stronger leaders.
Resilience is a term tossed around a lot. In different contexts, whether it be healing from dysfunctional childhoods, toxic relationships, natural or manmade disasters. At the core of resilience lies humility, which makes it easier to accept life’s ups and downs without becoming intoxicated by the successes or shattered by the failures.
By staying curious and receptive to new ideas, we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our world. We take off our blinders. Climb out of our cardboard boxes. This adds to our overall cache of wisdom.
Connection, growth, leadership, resilience, and wisdom. These are five persuasive arguments for polishing up our humility. How do we do it? We begin with the premise that we will have many opportunities to practice and we will never practice humility perfectly. Our goal is to make progress. As we approach each social interaction, we can put ourselves in the mindset that we have sole control over our own ego and are in charge of managing our self-image. Standing on this solid footing, we have different ways of accomplishing our overall goal. We can bounce around working to grow a little in several of the five areas. Or we can choose specific strategies to focus on an area we have identified as a weakness and become more attuned to improving that aspect of humility.
We can practice active listening. Full confession-I have stamped this with a “needs improvement” in my life. In catching myself preparing my reply instead of giving my full attention to what the speaker is saying, I not only learn more, I give this person their due respect.
A fragile self-worth treats mistakes as attacks. Learning to admit mistakes opens a doorway to growth and role models to others on how to recover from mistakes with grace.
As an adjunct to active listening, asking more questions shows genuine curiosity about other people’s experiences, perspectives, and knowledge. Here is a time when we can share what it means to be grounded in self-image by not asking “gotcha” questions, but those that add substance to the conversation.
Humility does not require acknowledgement for every minor act of kindness. We have all heard of the suggestion to “do a small act of kindness today and not get found out, otherwise it doesn’t count.” Well, they all count, but we don’t need to point them out to our beneficiaries.
If humility is the core of resilience, then gratitude has to be the core of humility. In my experience, when everything else fails, gratitude is the last lifeline. My self-image may take a beating by someone else who is going on a tear. Or my resilience may falter because life throws monumental obstacles in the way sometimes. If I can remember to list at least five things I am grateful for, I can ease my way back to humility and a right-sizing of myself that restores my balance.
Success can be defined in many ways, but it boils down to two: how much credit do I get (fame, fortune) or how much impact did I have on others (leadership, inspiration, mentorship, lifting up, sponsorship). One path leads to greater humility.
Walking a mile in another person’s shoes is a visceral way of describing perspective-taking. For many of us, it takes conscious effort to remove the socially indoctrinated blinders we have worn since childhood in order to see the vantage point of those with less privilege or power. The essence of humility is to remove these veils of privilege and power. They are illusions.
In our efforts to become more humble, staying connected to something larger than ourselves reminds us we are part of a vast interconnected whole. For some, this is spiritual. For others, it's nature or art or acts of service.
Humility is the antidote to arrogance. Where arrogance isolates us, humility connects us. Humility is the gateway to wisdom. Admitting we don’t know is the first step towards knowing. We can notice that in becoming humbler, we evolve into more expansive individuals. We shift our focus outward, making us part of something larger than our own ego.
Love,
Alice
Morning Rituals:
Gratitude scan: Before checking your phone, name 3 things you rely on from others (snuggles from my dog, a mentor’s guidance, my grandchild’s laughter)
Set an intention: Ask yourself: “How can I make someone else feel seen today?”
Daytime:
Hit “Pause” before reacting: Take a breath and ask “Could I be missing something here?”
Ask, don’t tell: When tempted to show what you know, flip it and ask a thoughtful question instead.
Invisible service: Do one unnoticed good deed daily-pick up litter, refill coffee pot, water plants
Evening Reflection:
Mistake inventory: In your journal, write about one thing you got wrong today, and what it taught you
Credit-shifting: Recall a success from the day. Who else contributed? Name them in your mind or remember to thank them the next day.
Humility check: Ask, “Did I listen more than I spoke?”
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