On Self-Abandonment and Choosing Myself.

I know you are in pain, I know it’s unbearable. I know it feels like somebody stabbed you in the heart and you can’t breathe. But this pain is necessary for you to grow. You didn’t ask for it. You never thought it would end this way.

You made dreams and you had hopes. You thought she was the one. But life is not linear. Life is not a movie, no matter how much Hollywood tried to brainwash us into thinking it is. You gave your best, you really did. You showed up every single day even when you were tired, even when you were changing careers and it was hard. You showed up and you didn’t run like you used to run in the past.

You didn’t hide. You showed up for yourself and for the relationship.

This is a huge step for you. You evolved. You can’t change people that’s the biggest lesson you learned. People are people, with their own mindsets, trauma, and baggage. The things you didn’t like were just mirrors, reminding you what you still need to work on. Reminding you that you are enough.

You don’t need validation. You don’t need someone else to accept you. You don’t need that from another woman or from any human being. What you need is deep acceptance of who you are.

There is a concept called Enso (the Zen circle). It represents completeness, the acceptance of imperfection, the beauty of being unfinished yet whole. Tattoo this circle in your heart and know that you are whole as you are but you will never be perfect. You will always be unfinished yet whole because you are always evolving.

When you look back, you will remember why it didn’t work out. When you look back, you will be grateful for the lessons you learned. When you look back, you will know that this was a blessing, a gift from the Universe, from the Creator. You are different now because you know what you will no longer accept.

You treated love like an endurance sport. Of course you did, that’s what you learned. That’s what you do. That’s your strength, you endure. You try to please, you try to convince. But you learned the hard way that if someone doesn’t choose you, you cannot beg them to.

But this isn’t as simple as it sounds. It means you have to look in the mirror and realise that you were a blind beggar who abandoned himself, accepting crumbs thrown at you while sitting in a small prison cage. The cage looked like gold because you put her on a pedestal. You locked yourself in and waited for more leftover breadcrumbs, hoping one day you’d receive the full slice of bread.

But the real problem was this: you didn’t speak up enough. You didn’t love the unhealed version of yourself. You didn’t stand up and say “enough” because you were used to being neglected. You were used to crumbs. So when someone gave you slightly more and wrapped it in false hope, you settled.

You learned to settle because that’s what you were taught as a child, to settle because you are not worth it. Your nervous system learned to stay quiet because you learned that if you didn’t, there would be chaos. There would be punishment.

It wasn’t until you realised you needed to sit in the pain of the unloved self to sit in it and cry your eyes out not because you feel sorry for yourself, but because you finally saw how low your standards were when it came to yourself.

You will only raise your standards when you truly see your value. You will no longer accept crumbs because you know you deserve more, and it’s not because you are ego-driven, not because you are better than anyone else, but because you are whole as you are. It is your birthright to be loved and cared for, not by others first, but by yourself.

Right now everything feels dark. It feels like you’re in a tunnel you can’t get out of. It feels like there is no point in moving forward like you could just lie down and let the train run you over.

But you know you are strong. You know you can move forward step by step. You don’t need to run. You don’t need to sprint. You just need to walk.

Release and let go. Release and let go.

Let go of the need for external validation. Let go of the need for others to like you. Most importantly, let go of the need to be seen and heard by someone else. You are your own light.

The power has always been within you. That’s the secret you never saw. The secret is you. It’s looking in the mirror and accepting every part of the man standing there. I know it’s hard. I know it’s not easy.

You said you wanted to help people, to be a giver. But that wasn’t fully true. You didn’t want to help; you wanted to fix. You wanted a project. You wanted someone unhealed so you could “help” them. But that wasn’t about them. It was about you needing to feel validated. Saying you wanted to help often meant you wanted to be seen, valued, liked.

That’s why you adjusted your energy. You changed yourself like a chameleon.

You stayed quiet because you didn’t want to lose the feeling of being chosen.

Of course you did. That felt like home. Your childhood was built around trying to make people like you because you never felt like you fit in. Not at school and not even at your own home. You learned you had to become someone else to be accepted. Your own home never felt home, that’s why you always run away to other people’s houses. You didn’t feel accepted and loved by your own family.

Even your own mother taught you that love was performance-based. If you weren’t a good student, there was no reward. No affection. So naturally, you later chose someone who felt familiar, someone who taught, evaluated, ranked. Love became performance. Like a race, like school, you needed to get good grades.

It makes sense. Turn love into a race. Let me prove my worth to you. And the other person played the game too, because it served them. It was a brilliant game, until it wasn’t.

Eventually you wake up. You criticise others for being doormats, for having low standards, for lacking passion in their relationships, while your own life was a mess. You were the doormat. You had low standards by accepting how you were treated.

Everything is a mirror. Everything starts with you. Nothing changes until you change, until you truly accept and love the unhealed parts of yourself. No amount of therapy, podcasts, or self-development books will free you from the need to be liked. No audiobook will teach you that you are enough. You have to decide that.

You choose yourself. Only you choose yourself, nobody else.

The only person who can truly choose you is you and the Universe. But the real shift is seeing the value you bring. If you don’t see your value in relationships or in your work, no one else will. And you will keep behaving like a beggar looking for validation.

Choosing yourself means walking away the first time someone tries to put you in a cage and make you perform for their circus. Imagine someone ranking you and deciding whether you are worthy. Well, don’t imagine, this is what you accepted. So I smiled, handed them popcorn, and performed like a clown, just to be chosen.

And when they spit in your face and throw more breadcrumbs, you prepare for the next show.

That was the circus you built. You didn’t even charge a ticket. People came and left whenever they wanted. You can’t blame them. You can’t even blame yourself. You didn’t know better.

The hardest part? After it ended, you reopened the circus because you felt lonely, burned out and full of uncertainty about your future. You cracked the door open just to see if there might be a chance, just a little maybe…and they did what they always do.

Now you know.

Close it permanently. Respect your time. Respect your energy. Respect what you bring to the table. When you truly see your value, your light, your depth, your sacredness, you stop tolerating certain behaviours.

This was a gift. Even if the gift meant crying yourself to sleep and waking up in pain at midnight, it was a gift. I’m grateful for it because I trust this lesson is shaping you into a stronger, more conscious man.

Alex, you are not the man you were yesterday. That’s not motivational fluff, it’s fact. You have survived bigger storms. You have overcome enormous challenges. And you came out stronger.

This is another opportunity. This is literally a gift, and I say it multiple times per day: “What a gift”.

Look in the mirror and see your beauty. You are whole. You are enough.

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I found this video and I thought it’s just brilliant: