My career began as a young, wide-eyed early childhood teacher. I’ve always loved working with kids, and I never thought twice about what I wanted to study in college. I knew it would center around children. I earned a bachelor’s degree in early childhood education and began teaching at a small preschool right out of college.
I taught for over 12 years and, at the same time, became a parent myself. I was in my 20s, and I know I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Though I bore the title of teacher, the kids in my life were the actual teachers.
After 12 years of teaching, I shifted gears, returned to graduate school for three years, and became a pediatric speech-language pathologist. I wanted to connect with kids in a deeper way, and I loved one-on-one therapy sessions. I worked with both neurotypical and primarily neurodivergent children. It was here that I began to understand what kids actually need versus what we tell ourselves they need.
In both jobs, I saw a trend in parents that seemed to overcomplicate what the child was trying to communicate. Parents would come to me saying, “How do I get my child to start doing _______ or stop doing _______?”
I understood the question and why it mattered. More importantly, I understood how the parent felt. We all want to do right by our kids and make sure we’re doing our part as parents. But in a parent’s quest to access the “right” answers or more knowledge, we can lose our ability to attune to our kids. This is different from simply knowing what to do.
Yes, tools and strategies are important, but they are useless if you can’t understand and decode your child’s behavior. We also can’t remove ourselves from the equation. When your child engages in a behavior you want to change, you play a part. There is reciprocity in that.
I’m going to break down the five things I know to be true.
Kids Learn in Patterns and Respond to Patterns
This is one I learned early on, and I stand by it. Kids are like little scientists. Joe Newman, author of Raising Lions, describes them as constantly taking data. If you’ve ever been tasked with data collection before, you know that, essentially, you’re trying to find a pattern.
What increases the likelihood of a desired outcome?
If every time you set a boundary, you wind up negotiating with your child, they learn the pattern of negotiation. If you have a hard time following through every time you say no, your child will test that boundary. If you engage in arguments when your child isn’t listening, they will learn to argue.
We often believe we’re responding to them, but more often than not, they’re responding to us.
I break this down more in this episode of the podcast, where I talk about common patterns and how to create new ones that yield better outcomes.
Kids Are Sensitive to Our Energy and Our Unspoken Communication
When I started working one-on-one with neurodivergent kids, I realized they were highly sensitive to my energy. What that means is that if I felt tense or stressed, they picked up on it.
I remember working with this incredible child who was nonverbal. In his first session with me, he was hesitant and had experienced negative therapeutic settings in the past. When he dialed up, I dialed down and stayed present and steady.
I asked nothing of him. I wanted him to know I would be there when he was ready, and I would not pressure him.
He felt this.
He knew there was no pressure to perform, and I allowed him to get comfortable with me and the new setting. Instead of talking to him nonstop, insisting he stop crying, or urging him to come play with me, I reduced all demands and stayed calm.
Eventually, he came over to me while I was playing, and he joined me. It was similar to parallel play. And yes, shortly thereafter, we were best buds.
He didn’t need a skilled clinician; he needed a safe presence who could be with him until he felt comfortable.
Being that safe, steady presence requires us to regulate ourselves and create the calming, grounding energy kids need.
Kids Need to Struggle or Face Challenges Head-On
I say this to my coaching clients frequently: the only way is through.
As humans, we are born without certain skills. In childhood, we have to develop many skills. Skills develop through maturation, time, and practice.
If your child has a hard time hearing the word no or not getting the outcome they want, they need to develop the ability to tolerate frustration. Allowing them to feel frustrated while staying regulated yourself shows them that you believe they can manage this hard moment.
This builds resilience, and over time, those skills begin to develop and strengthen.
This is one of the hardest parts of parenting, but it yields some of the greatest outcomes.
Consider the skills your child is building. How long does it take them to start walking steadily or speaking in sentences? Skill-building requires time, consistency, patience, and understanding.
Boundaries Teach Safety
Not just kids, but all of us feel safest when things are predictable and consistent. This is especially true for children.
We create predictable and consistent environments when we set and hold boundaries.
Most parents know this. However, somewhere along the way, we assume our kids should simply accept the boundary. But for some kids, the boundary needs to be tested before it feels clear.
This is where we struggle.
Instead of seeing the testing as a healthy action, we either become reactive, punish, and yell, or we adjust and modify the boundary. In either scenario, we are not holding the boundary with steadiness.
When kids test us, they are asking, “Do you really mean it?”
Instead of feeling challenged, respond to the question they’re asking and hold the boundary.
Emotion Regulation Requires a Regulated Adult
The comment I receive most often on social media or in my inbox is:
“I struggle to help my child regulate their emotions because I don’t even know how to regulate my own.”
If you have a child who expresses their feelings in challenging ways—arguing, defiance, whining, tantrums, and so on—and you don’t learn how to regulate your emotions, you will become reactive every time.
The story most parents tell themselves is this: if my child demonstrates a “negative” behavior, then I am not a good parent.
Your child’s behavior will trigger this story. If you don’t manage it, you will become reactive because it creates discomfort within you.
If you can pause and acknowledge your state when your child pushes back, you will be able to steady yourself first. From there, before responding, consider: What does my child need in this moment?
This helps you respond in a more meaningful way rather than reacting from a triggered or activated place. Later, you can reflect and interrogate the story you’re telling yourself. Your value as a parent cannot be contingent upon your child’s behavior. Defiance is healthy. It’s our job to teach our kids how to express defiance in healthy ways.
Most parents, because they are unable to regulate themselves in the moment, meet a defiant child with their own defiance.
Pause and ask yourself: When I yell or react harshly, does it create the outcome I want? The answer is usually no.
Parenting is a relationship in which we all grow—not just our kids.
Kids often show us where we need to change patterns, make shifts, heal old wounds, and release our expectations about what it means to be a good parent.
When we can show up and be present, that’s really all kids want.
Not perfection.Not performative.But present.
And you don’t have to be present all the time. That’s impossible. You need to tend to other responsibilities, and that’s okay.
But when we carve out intentional time to be present with our kids, they feel it. That’s nourishing. That’s connection.
Kids are often telling us exactly what they need. The challenge isn’t understanding them—it’s slowing down enough to listen.
After 23 years of working with children, that’s what I know to be true. The more we let go of the need to control, fix, or force outcomes, the more clearly we can see what our kids have been trying to show us all along.
Allow them to teach you and help you grow so you can become an attuned parent who understands their unique needs and gifts.
Love always,
Albiona
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