BOOMERS & MILLENNIALS AIN’T EATIN' APPLES LIKE THEY USED TO

(THIS NEWSLETTER HAS BEEN 100% WRITTEN BY A HUMAN -- ME)

A Gravenstein a Day for these Boomers might keep the doctor away

Item: GRAVENSTEINS ON THE BRINK

A devastating combination of early warm weather, fire blight, and pests has triggered a historically low harvest for Sonoma County’s iconic Gravenstein apples.

And we thought the wine had it bad. But, the way I see it, wine has an easier way out of its crisis than do apples. Why you might ask, all the while taking a slug of Riesling and biting down, hard, on a Gravenstein. Precisely. One is liquid. Even if you have no teeth left because of all those years crunching apples, wine goes down easier.

Thus commented apple farmer Zeke Schmidt, “I guess we’re going to have to make more apple sauce so that the boomers and the next generation after them – what do they call ‘em, Milliners(?) – can chew it more easily.” Adding, “Unlike the wine guys, their customers have to use a strange and complicated tool to open their products. With apples, all you need is a spoon.”

Unless, of course, the apple jars are so hard to open. There have reports of folks going to the emergency room because they took crazy measures trying to pry open apple sauce -- with a knife. (But truth be told, the teensy tiny knives on corkscrews and the pointy screws themselves have been known to cut more than a few fingers.)

And just like the wine sistren and brethren – who are pivoting to sweeter, canned wines -- their doppelgangers in the apple game are going to have make a concerted effort to mix their sauces with a variety of sweet flavors such as sweet potatoes, beets or rutabaga. The Gen Zers won’t like it, but so what. Our target constituency here are folks over 60, you know, the Milliners. The ones who listen to the Beatles, on Apple Records.

Also, the apple jacks and jills will now have to give their consumers some Experiences with apples. For instance, let them come to your orchard and pick the fruit from the trees. Romantic! It’ll give them a sense of what it takes to make apples; but don’t tell them you’ll save a lot of dough with that free labor force. Now, how do you like dem apples?

Or you can have those Boomsters and Millipeds doing the blending for you. I.e. let them experiment with combining your apples with sweet peas or sweet corn or some such to see which they prefer. Again, those younger kids – although many of them are vegans – will call your apple things, “sauce for the old ganders”. So what if they kvetch, “What’s good for them, ain’t good for us. We like our apple sauce pure.” Remembering all the while, the New Apple Ain’t for Johnny Anymore. It’s to help the apple of our (failing) eyes.”

So don’t fret appleseeders, we got you, Ye Ole Apple Fritters you.

According to the Santa Rosa Press Democrat, which covers mostly Sonoma County, whose identity may be wine now, but it’s been the Gravenstein Country of California, forever, “(L)ocal orchards … report yields down to just three percent of their normal average, forcing early closures on direct sales right before this weekend’s Gravenstein Apple Fair.

“The crisis is compounded by long-term industry struggles, including the recent loss of regional buyer contracts and the upcoming closure of the county’s last local processing plant. While small relief initiatives and a new press planned for Santa Rosa offer a glimmer of hope, growers warn that high costs and dwindling crops threaten the future of the region’s heirloom apple heritage.

“Local officials and farmers urge the community to support remaining growers at the upcoming fair in Sebastopol.”

Sounds familiar, don’t it, you winers.

Gravenstein spritzers may be ticket to Sonoma appleseeders’ bigger piece of the pie

Additionally, according to Bay City News Service, reported last March, “They (Gravensteins) were to western Sonoma County what Kona is to macadamia nuts, or sockeye salmon to Bristol Bay: a food emblematic of the region, a comestible that simultaneously drove the local economy and served as a cultural icon.

“But that was many years ago. Gravenstein apple orchards were once ubiquitous in the rolling hills and fertile vales surrounding the town of Sebastopol. Back then, close to 15,000 acres of “Gravs” grew here, and several large processors turned the fruit into sauce, cider and vinegar for distribution across the nation. And now …?”

There’s only 600 to 800 acres left.

Which, of course naturally, calls for more apple cider (cold cider is hot now) and fermented apple cider vinegar is good for the gut(s) of the intended audience, the old Boomers’ gut and the Millers’ boilers.